As soon as this thing started, the only thing I could think of was "DEAR GODS! I CAN'T STAND THIS MUSIC!". Then I unplugged my ears and opened my eyes, and saw some cop searching a little isolated island society to find a missing girl. Sgt. Howie is forced to sit through WAY too much folk singing and loads of sexual related things as he searches throughout the town. The people fuck with his head, giving him nonsensical and double sided answers as his Christian faith is tested amongst a community of "Godless heathens". Haha! A hardcore Christian amongst an entire island of crazy religious zealots, oh those wacky Pagans! Well, Howie starts thinking that the girl he's looking for may have been sacrificed by these unholy bastards. The people follow the NIN philosophy, "Your God is dead, and no one cares"... gotta love those heretics! After digging up what is supposed to be the grave site of Rowan (the girl), he finds a rabbit has instead been put in her coffin. This movie has more twists than a bag of pretzels... Rowan is GOING to be sacrificed due to last year's harvest being such a disappointment... so she's still alive and Howie can save her! Man, the piggies are always fucking with shit that doesn't follow their "moral code"... friggin' Nazis. In the end it looks as if the entire town was fucking with him from the start as they booby trap him into becoming their sacrifice! Even the girl Rowan was in on it! HAHAHAHA! It all went down like this: Howie dresses in a life sized Mr. Punch costume, infiltrated their harvest festival, and "saved" Rowan from the sacrificing ritual. What he didn't know, was that as they made their escape, Rowan was leading him right into the clutches of the townsfolk! Howie is sacrifice because he's a good little virgin (i.e. "a fool" to the pagans HAHA). Despite his final pleas to his "God", Howie is burned alive inside a 30ft tall wicker statue/alter! This movie was a cool little murder mystery thing, but when everything was revealed and Howie was burned alive THAT was when I REALLY took interest in the movie! I gotta get myself one of those wicker men for my lawn. Oh, and from this point forward, I shall be known as the Salmon of Knowledge! For my first decree, "I'd like a dingy please".

Sequels: None

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: APRIL FOOL'S DAY or PHANTASM