http://www.oocities.org/halokpl/journal.html
Simple, unedited writing, babble of how I feel at times... Don't take offense to anything I say... It sometimes is a momentary thing or juss me being the emotional person that I am...
3/18/03
One chapter of my life comes to a close...
Learned a lot...
Still have a lot to learn...
But I guess it's all a part of growing up...
12/11/02 10:00 PM
I haven't wrote in this journal for a while... Xanga just became more of a convenience I guess... This is a lot more intimate tho~ just because I know that there aren't a lot of people who would come here to read my journal... I'm more myself without having to worry too much about other people (always have to be careful tho).
This being home for a semester so far has been good for me actually... resting and getting away from all the craziness of the spring semester definately helped my sanity a bit... And spening a lot of my time w/ the boyfriend is always good... It's great... All the turbulence in my love life in college seems to have settled down & I'm really happy with this change in my life...
Six months plus a few weeks worth of laughter~ we're one crazy & cute couple though... Our parents are thrilled and it's always fun to see what our parents will say next... I think the last comment from his mom had to do with how I should finish school quickly so we can get married and have kids... b/c she won't be able to take care of kids if we wait to long?!? Kinda scares me... because I guess I was always one "commitmentphobe"... But I'm dealing with it... Sometimes... yea... sometimes... I really find myself thinking that he's "the one" for me... But there is a lot of time down the road and who knows what will happen?
4/15/02 6:15 PM
I went to the cornell plantations today... It's one of the prettiest places on Earth... The breeze was just perfect, the beams of light radiating from the sun seemed almost as though God was present all around... Even the ripples in the lake were amazing... I guess I'm in one of those moods when everything seems so nice and perfect and I start to over analyze everything once again... But right before I was leaving, I wanted to find a four leaf clover... I couldn't find any, but I had one of those weird moments when I find strange metaphors in nature to life...
Often as a child, I'd sit around ALL day trying to find a four leaf clover. Truly believing that it will bring me all the luck in the world. Sometimes I really did and I probably had the cheeziest grin on my face for the rest of the day... I guess I was a dreamer for as long as I can remember...
Now, after 20 yrs of my life, I realize that there is no such thing as luck. It sounds kind of sad, but it really isn't... Maybe it's just one of those reality checks you get as you grow older...
It's what you make of yourself~ If I just sit around looking for luck to come around, it will never come.. But then, when I take a deep breath, and look at all the things that surround me~ Having something to do, something to love, and something to hope for~ I feel like the luckiest person on Earth... All those things that I never fully appreciate make up that fourth leaf on the clover... haha get it? It's a strange parallel, but then again, I'm a strange person =)It's like a whole new epiphany for me! LOL~ yea i'm so silly at times... but ReALLY!!! THis whole new thought probably made my day! So... yea... There is this new quote i found from a friend's profile... It sums up so much in just a few words... it has so much meaning to it... =)
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for"
3/04/02 6:50 AM
I rarely beg for anything... I got too much pride to do that kinda shit...
I'd rather have people give me whatever they have to give and if it's not what I expected, then I guess I blame myself for seeing someone to be that way; when in reality they really wern't... That was a poor judgement on my part and there is no one else to blame except myself.
I guess I get hurt because of the expectations that I have of certain people... I don't like telling people what I expect of them because I don't like for them to do anything out of their will or intention. I don't like people doing things for me just because they think it's something I want. Be what you truly are and be your true self to me. I don't want anything more or less than that.
Be straight foward with me so I know what to expect and what NOT to expect. That's all I ask. I hate vague bullshit. Deep down, I'm not that nice girl that some ppo see me as. I'm neither patient nor understanding. I get angry, upset, mad at the lil things that people do, but I just hold it in for the most part... I may smile and pretend that everything is okay but deep down, I may be crying my heart out...
If you truly care for me, then I should be able to see it. Don't expect me to just know it and understand. Don't hurt me and think that I'll be fine with it... Actions speak louder than words...
I am a girl full of barriers. The minute you think you know me, think again... I put up walls after walls... Barriers hinder one's growth blah blah blah... But I don't like to get hurt... When bothered by something, it's when I know that I've let someone get too close to me than they should be... This doesn't mean that I don't care for people... I care too much for people. Maybe that's one of my biggest weaknesses... I guess what I want to say is that...
Don't take advantage of that and don't take advantage of me because I may seem to be an understanding person... In reality, everything that you do affects me twice as much as I try to hold it in and try not to break down from it... But I guess that's the pain I give myself for having too much pride...
2.22.02 5:25 AM
I feel like shit today... Just really tired, not motivated, can't think for shit... I got this 5 page paper to do on how to make dormatories better using the HER process I learned about in my DEA 150 class... If I spend the hours thinking of these ideas... Is it really gonna make a difference to anyone at all?? On top of that... The doctor took 3 test tubes of blood and a urine sample b/c he thinks that I MIGHT have Mono or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome... WTF has Cornell done to me? Can I sue the school for that? Hahah~ I must be really tired b/c I'm starting to act really stupid... ANYWAYS~!
But just as I feel like I want to give up, little things just brighten up my day... Today it was a friend... well, more than a friend *wink* giving me saltine crackers and Gingerale... Hahah~ funny thing to give someone huh?
(It supposedly stays in your system and is good for you when you can't hold down the food you eat which I'm doing now a dayz)
You know when you feel like you just want to break down and cry? At the right moment, someone gives you a call or the warmest of hugs and it makes it all go away? It's like this quote...
"A silent hug means a thousands words to the unhappy heart."
What brightened up my day wasn't the crackers and soda... It was the thought that someone cared for me that much... It made me feel so much better and put a smile on my face... It was the hug that made me believe that everything will work itself out...
I'm so glad to have you in my life... All the silly things you do to make me smile... sometimes even unintentionally... (...popcorn...) Maybe that's the greatest magical power you have =) It may seem like nothing at all, but it means A LOT to me... =*)
So... to come to a strange conclusion... never did I even think of crackers and soda brightening up my day~ =)
2.16.02 5:40 AM
Someone asked me the other day... If I could have ONE super power, what it would be... The first thing that came to mind was the ability to fly... I've always imagined flying to have this great, carefree, uplifting, sensation... Soaring above the clouds in the pale blue sky... Being on top of the world... Feeling the warmth of the sun as if I was walking along the side of God...
To burst this big bubble of my dreams... I guess the closest I've come to flying was on an airplane or sometimes in my dreams... One of those dreams that I hate waking up from... =)
But then... When I gave more thought to that question... If I had the ability to fly, then wouldn't I eventually get sick of it? Wouldn't it be just another bodily function that I would take for granted? So thinking about other things that's been going on in my life, the answer that I came up with was that I wanted to have the ability to make everyone happy...
As cheezy as it may sound~ here is my logic for it...
All of the "bad" in the world seems to be created by unhappiness... Or so I thought when I answered the question... People who hurt others seem to have some 'bad' influence within their lifetime that made them that way... If I were to make everyone happy, then... Why would anyone think to harm others?
I think my "friend" called me naiive or told me that I was still a baby... Maybe I still am... It does seem very idealistc now that I think about it... But it wasn't one of those simple, generic, "I want world peace" answers... =P
See, even people who are considered 'bad'... and even some that I can develop hatred towards... I don't think that it's their fault... It must have been something that influenced them to be that way... No matter how much that person hurts me, I guess I can't help but still love them... I say to myself every time it happens... I won't forgive... that I refuse to forgive... That if I can forget and say that I didn't care, I won't be hurt ever again... But it seems as though that the harder that I try not to forgive, I just make things harder for myself... I guess this can imply a lot of things but it's hard to understand if you don't know the story...
To make things simpler... I just think that if I can make everyone in this world happy, there wouldn't be any injustices or hurting of the ones you love and care for... If you're GENUINELY happy with what and who you are, where you are in life, what you have, where you're going in life etc. etc. etc. I don't think that there would be any jealousy, betrayl, hatred... All those things that make living so much harder than it is...
I have no idea if it makes sense now... It's like I have it in my head, but I can't exactly get it down in words... Hope you understand... Whoever is bored enuf to hear me blab =) If you get what I'm saying~ let me know, maybe you can help me understand myself?
I think it's just getting too late... Time for me to sleep~
1.4.02 1:00 AM
I'm in Korea right now... I guess everyone comes to these "PC bang" a lot... it's basically a huge room with a lot of carriges of computers and you pay like 2 dollars to use the computer for an hour... so I come here to check all my e-mails and stuff.... If come at a certain time, in the morning here, everyone is online but right now it's pretty late at night here so everyone over there is either sleeping or doing something else other than talking online... so since I was bored, I'm just writing another journal entry...
Once I arrived at the airport, everything seemed so foreign, yet felt like home. Even though some friends may call me a "fob" (fresh of the boat) back in the US, I'm still a foreigner here in Korea. They can tell right away by my accent that I'm not from here, even from the way I dress and the way I carry myself... I thought that coming back here after 12 years would be so awsome. Don't get me wrong, it's great to see all my relatives and to speak korean, go to kareoke every other day and stuff but I definately don't feel comfortable here. Not knowing where I am or where to go... It's pretty strange...
It's really great to see family here... Not having any extended family in the US really sux... no one to get together with to have dinners with, no baby cousins to play with etc... it seems like no big deal, but once seeing how great it is, I don't know how it will feel to go back again...
But at the same time, I can't wait to go back to see all my friends and family back at home... I miss everyone lots... I dunno~ I guess I'll end it here for now...
12.10.01 4:00 PM
So it has been a year... Since I lost a very good friend... Never passed a day without thinking about him... But today, more than ever, he seems to occupy the heart and mind of ALL of us... Most of the time, it seems as though he's still somewhere around here... It's just that I won't see him for a long long while... maybe that's what it is...
*Sigh~ I don't know what else to say or do... All I know is that I miss him tremendously... I'm not too eloquent of a person...
I just wish that he was still here... Loving his car to death... Talking about his fraternity with pride that's so hard to come by... Loving his girl to death... Loyalty I've never seen before... Caring and giving his all to everyone and everything that surrounded him...
I remember before both of us pledged into our respective organizations, we promised each other that we'd share all the pledging secrets even... Writing the three greek letters of our future on the desks of econ class even though we knew that we weren't supposed to... I remember him trying to find a blue rose... So precious and rare of a kind he said it was... He only wanted the best and perfection for everyone he cared about... Jokingly he was called the "kappa bitch"... Always willing to help out with everything and anything possible... I remember him getting mad that we ruined my birthday cake that he bought me on my 18th birthday... All these lil things... So many lil memories... Makes me miss him so much more...
I feel... NUMB... my heart feels so heavy... sinking so low... But I guess we all do live on... And carry those memories of our friend with us and taking it out of our lil box of memories here and there... Whether it brings us laughter or tears, there isn't a thing in this world that we'd trade in for that one memory...
I miss you Dave... Odie... My guardian angel... Rest in peace...
"Somewhere there's someone who dreams of ur smile, & finds in ur presence that life is worthwhile, so when u are lonely, remember this is true: Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you."
12.05.01 10:15 AM
I wonder if I can make it through this week... I feel so weak... Just want to collapse... Running on no sleep... Long days... It never seems to end... But I don't have a choice do I? They say you always have a choice, but how come I feel like that isn't so? I guess I'm babbling on about nothing...
12.02.01
My b day... Madd memories... Too much to write...
Crazy...
"We do not know the true value of our moments until they have undergone the test of memory." -Georges Duhamel, The Heart's Domain
So I guess I'll leave it to that... unless I decide to write more when Cornell actually gives me the time to... But at the rate I'm going, that'd be never~
10.25.01 3:00 AM
Happy Birthday Dave... Miss you~
8.20.01 7:30 PM
Wow, I haven't written in this journal for a LONG LONG time!
This time, I just wanted to write about an AMAZING experience I had at Camp SeJong this past week. I heard about this camp from MeeHyun, a friend of mine and as soon as she mentioned it, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to attend.
It just celebrated it's 10th anniversary... It's a week long camp for Korean adopted kids where they have the chance to learn about korean culture, language, poong mool (korean drum), tae kwon do, art, dance, traditions etc. I basically volunteered as a counselor and worked there for a week.
I have to admit, it was very tiring and often frustrating when the kids wouldn't cooperate, but it was definately worth it. In fact, I became so attached to them, that I couldn't stop my tears on the last day when we were saying our good bye's...
I never knew what kinds of impressions children can leave on you... They are so deep that I think about them every single moment, and wonder how they are doing...
I often had to hold my tears in for I wished that they were more exposed to their culture and heritage. Perhaps this thought is wrong? They are happy where they are and if they didn't have the family that they have now, god knows where they would be now... It's really nice to see smiles that can light up the darkness of night... ONLY children have those "special" smiles... SO pure and genuine... A quality that human beings tend to lose as they age... But again, I'm digressing from the subject here...
The hardest challenge that I failed to succeed in was holding my tears in on the last day of camp as we said our farewells... It was one of the toughest battles I fought... And now... Here I am counting the days till next summer...
5.4.01 1:00 AM
This is a Christian praise song that I listen to a lot these days... It helps me reach out for God's help when I feel alone in this world... A lot of the times when life is tough, I tend to reject God in my life... A lot of the common sayings that come to my head are: "If you are God, then why do you watch your people suffer?" "Are you even there..." etc. etc. etc... But this song helps me realize that he IS there for me at all times... I just have to ask for his help and not lose faith in him... Every stepping stone that he throws at me only makes me a stronger person and it's for a reason that I cannot see... Maybe it will help someone else like it does for me... Try to download the song~ It's really worth it ~
"On My Knees"
There are days when I feel
The best of me is ready to begin
Then there're days when I feel
I'm letting go and soaring on the wind
'Cause I've learned in laughter or in pain
How to survive
Chorus:
I get on my knees
I get on my knees
There I am before the love
That changes me
See, I don't know how
But there's power
When I'm on my knees
I can be in a crowd
Or by myself almost anywhere
When I feel there's a need
To talk with God He is Emmanuel
When I close my eyes, no darkness there
There's only light
I don't know how but there's power
In the blue skies
In the midnight
When I'm on my knees.
2.4.01 1:30 AM
I hate seeing people miserable... That's one of the things that can always bring me down... I almost feel miserable along with them... I sometimes wish that I can take some of that pain away from them by feeling the misery myself. Maybe that way, I'll be able to understand them more, and even relieve them from the agony that they are going through...
When I hear him talk about how much he hates himself, it brings tears to my eyes... I don't even know how many times this has happened... He's such a beautiful human being... Of course he is... He was created in the image of God... If there are all these people that love him so much, why must he hate himself? Why can't he see the beauty in himself? Only if he can see what I see... Only if...
When I imagine him sitting in that corner of the room holding the teddy bear... It just brings back memories of how bad it used to be... I wonder if he has the same expression that I saw that day right now... I know what I can say or do that would make him happy, but that wouldn't really make him any stronger...
When I hear her talk about about how much the memories can just consume her... How she can be fine one moment, but the next be miserable... I am absolutely speechless... What am I supposed to say? I feel so helpless... Only if I can take that pain away... Only if I can sheld even half of the tears that she must shed...
I guess this makes me think about one of those questions that are asked often... "If you were a super hero, what kind of power would you want?" I guess at this moment in time, I really wish I can take people's pain and sadness away from them. Even if it's only for a day... Even half a day...
But then... Maybe that would be working against God's will? Because I know that we all live the lives that God had intended for us... Even if it seems as though there couldn't be anything worse... I guess God has a reason for everything that happens to us... Whatever that may be... And if we knew, we wouldn't be human, and he wouldn't be God...
Sighs... Maybe I'm just speaking nonsense... As usual... right? What else is new?
2.3.01 12:40 AM
My new facination these days is the "OD" Ed showed me what it was one night, and once I opened up my account, I couldn't stop writing. The Open Diary... Of course no one knows my user name... In the begining, I guess I used a name that anyone can guess that it was me, but now I'm just using a hidden, unknown name. You should try it too... (www.opendiary.com)
I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I love getting my thoughts out through writing. It seems as though, those complications, those knots in your head seems to detangle itself as I express myself by stroking each key on this keyboard. It's a strange sensation actually. Hard to explain...
Opening myself up to a group of strangers seemed scary at first, but someone reminded me that strangers can be the best people to get advice from. I've gotten some notes from those who read my diary entries and they're interesting. It's so facinating... It's almost like an addiction now... If I don't keep this journal updated, I guess that would be the reason why...
1.28.01 7:25 PM
Loving something that you can't have may be one of the hardest things that you go through in life. It doens't matter if it's a person, place, or thing... Regardless of what it may be, it's always hard to let go, and move on... To this, I've always carried two little quotes or what not in my planner inorder to keep my sanity and as an attempt to fill the gap that has formed in my heart, life, and me.
Perhaps this will help some of those people out that I have in mind, and maybe even for myself at this moment...
A SEASON
When people come into your life for a season,
it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real!
but only for a season
In the same way that leaves must fall from the trees,
or moon becomes full and dissappears,
your seasonal relationships will end at the dively appointed time
When that time comes,
there is nothing you can do or say to make it work.
There is no, one you can become
You cannot fix it
You canot explain it
The harder you clutch, the worse it will feel.
When the end of a seaon comes in a loving relationship,
the only thin for you to do is let go.
A REASON
When someone is in your life for a reason,
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assit you through a difficulty,
To provide you with guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally and spiritually
They may seem like a godsent, and they are.
They are there for a reason you need them to be.
Then without, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it it time to move on...
1.3.01 1:30 AM
Everyone has their "highs" and "lows" in their faith. But it's sad to see someone who has come back from a retreat (a gathering that usualy involves religious praise, singing, praying etc.) to say that they're still not at a "high."
My past experience of retreats have always been good. They always bring me closer to God, and deeper in my faith. They bring tears of joy, sadness, everything all at once. But anyhow, at the end of the last retreat I attended, I felt so much love around me, felt the presence of God, and I cried because I was so happy. Probably a happiness that can't be felt anywhere else.
I don't know what it is that brings a person to become so cynical. It seems as though, they were just so free spirited just a year ago when i first met them. Is it just the society that we live in? I mean, I can't say that I am not a cynical person, but I do have my moments when I am optimistic. Some people even tell me that I am always optimistic. Strange...
It made me sad today to hear from someone I always have in my thoughts say that they didn't really feel that "high" that a retreat usually had given me. And that they've gotten too cynical.
I hope that they, sometime soon, have one of those magical moments in life when you realize what you have is just enough. Just what God has intended for you... And be able to just smile knowing that they are content.
Afterall, I think that one of life's main goals is just to be... CONTENT...
12.25.00 3:30 PM
Have I just gotten too old? No, it can't be... I'm only 19 years old... But this year, it seems as though the whole spirit of Christmas isn't there... I know that it's a celebration of the birth of Christ, not a designated time for giving gifts. But at least there was an appeal to it... Can't explain.
12.15.00 1:55AM
"Life ain't always what it seem to be
Words can't express what you mean to me
Even though you're gone we still a team
Thru your family I'll fulfill your dreams
In the future can't wait to see if you'll
Open up the gates for me...
.....
It's kinda hard wit you not around
Know you in Heaven smilin' down
Watching us while we pray for you
Everyday we pray for you
Till the day we meet again
In my heart is where I keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need to proceed
Strength I need to believe"
12.13.00 / 10:30PM
Dear Friend,
It was just last weekend that I saw your face... You gave me one of your warm hugs as you always do when I see you... Even if only a few minutes passed by since our last meeting...
It was just over a year ago when I first met you... You were just a stranger that opened the door for me as I walked into Jameson Hall for the first time as a frosh with my big luggage... I even remember what you were wearing... White crisp ironed button down with your kachis... A polite and cosiderate one you always were... "After you," "Thank you." Ever since our first exchange of words, you were and always will be close and dear to my heart...
Always looking out for all those around you... Making sure you drove me right to the door of Baker Hall when it was pouring outside... Buying those milky pens to write to your little baby cousin... Silly Odie... Always walking me back to the next building just because the sun had gone down... Specially ordering me that beautiful cake from Wegmans on my 18th birthday... Giving me wake up calls at 9:00 AM so that I'd wake up for our Econ 101 class...
Hey, I thought that you were gonna wait for me to come back to school next year... so that I could make your bed like I did that night Christine was coming over your room for the very first time... so I could iron your shirts again... so i could pick out your ties for you... so i could hold the flash light for you when you worked on your car... so we could all stay up and play puzzle fighter and watch movies like frehmen year... so i could make sure you looked good... so that we could act all gay and sing classical songs together... so i could go to the florist with you to buy flowers for the semi... so i could give you advice about girls and hear you bitch about girls...
A few simple words... Extravagant words... or even millions of pages written on our times shared together can't express our friendship. Odie... A man's best friend... you were always everyone's best friend... I hope you're somewhere up there looking over us...
Gosh, I miss you so much... I'm sorry for not talking to you as much recently... I'm sorry for not being there for you when you needed someone to talk to... It's just an endless path of "sorries," and "I should've."
I know that if there is one thing that you ask of me right now is to take care of Christine... Don't worry... We all will take care of her... Just know that everyone loves you... That you're greatly missed... and most of all...
Rest in peace...
Missing you greatly,
Halo
P.S. The next time I see you, do you think you can give me one of your hugs again...?
12.11.00 / 3:00 PM
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."
12.10.00 / 6:15 PM
It's a "moody" day out today... It was dark ever since I woke up, and this weekend for me wasn't particularly great... Being in a car accident, finding out my friend got beat up, and getting pulled over by the cops all in one day... Well, that was yesterday...
And as of this moment, I am really hurt... I dunno if it's just me, but I get more tears and pain from those who I keep close to me. Perhaps it's because I do care for them more than others... I'm sure it will pass by... I'll be fine tomorrow... Right?
But there are always those "God sent" angels that come to you through friends and always bring that smile back to your face... And for that I am so greatful =)
Thank God it's Sunday... And I can start a new week tomorrow morning...
