I would like to give a very big round of mental applause to the site that started off helping me, and ended up just pissing the crap out of me (my penis is still sore)... IMBD!!!
Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa - ... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.
Stewie: No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
Lois: Peter. You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?
Peter: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.
Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Brian: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris: That would explain all the gravity.
Tom Tucker: Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
[they laugh]
Cameraman: You guys, we're still on in Boston.
[Tom and Diane stare in horror]
Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight, I have been cast as the lead in the Quahog Players' production of The King And I.
Tom Tucker: In other news, I wont be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.
Diane Simmons: This just in: Tom, you're such a closet case.
Tom Tucker: We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?
[the cable television transmitter was knocked out]
Tom Tucker: Diane, that last report was so good, you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom... I don't think your wife would like that.
Tom Tucker: My wife is a bitter old hag, she's in Quahog and cant hear a word we're saying.
Director: Uh, guys, we're back on in Quahog.
Doctor: Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.
Peter: Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy.
Doctor: ...Can't it be both?
[trying to potty- train Stewie]
Peter: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
Stewie: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter: Rea... Really?
[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
Brian: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour guide: [yelling] I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.)
[throws his hand up in a Hitler salute]
Brian: ...uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.
Guy on Street #2: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".
[At a job interview]
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter: [Thinking to himself "Don't say doing you wife. Don't say doing your wife."] Doing your, uh, son...
[An extremely obese Peter and Brian are sitting on the dock]
Boy: Daddy, what's that?
Father: Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here on the wharf I haven't the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist.
Peter: I'm a man jackass.
Stewie: 867- 5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two- Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111- 1111, Lois? Damn. 111- 1112 Lois? DAMN. 111- 1113...
Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.
[Peter has to come up with a fake name on the spot, so he looks around the room to get inspiration]
Peter: Uh... my name is...
[he sees a pea]
Peter: Pea...
[he sees a woman crying]
Peter: ... tear...
[he sees a Griffin fly by]
Peter: ...Griffin. Peter Griffin.
[Peter makes a joke during a Christmas play]
Spectator #1: Oh my God. I'm so offended. I'm going to do something about this.
Spectator #2: Mike, there's not really anything you can do.
Spectator #1: Wow, you're right. I guess I'm just going to have to develop a sense of humor, huh?
[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Glen Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.
Stewie: Come any closer and I'll cut her.
[realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected.
[during a fishing trip]
Peter: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of cliches.
Lois: Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter: OH MY GOD.
[runs off crying]
Lois: Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?
Meg: It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack- addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?
Lois: Peter, she's sixteen.
Peter: You KNEW about this?
Lois: So he just left without saying anything?
Peter: All I asked him to do was buy some peanuts and cracker jacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever gets back… No, I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.
Peter: I tried finding my talent like you said. First, I tried art.
[flashback of drawing class]
Peter: Am I supposed to draw the penis?
[end flashback]
Peter: Then I tried sculpting.
[flashback of sculpting class]
Peter: Am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
[end flashback]
Peter: Then I tried music.
[flashback of him as a conductor]
Peter: Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
Lois: Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
[on the phone]
Chris: So, what are you wearing?
[pause]
Chris: Wow. I bet you can see right through that.
Lois: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris: Grandma.
Peter: I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Glen Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge.
Stewie: Damn the toilet. It's made slaves of you all. It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.
[Louis is upset about a cult that is worshipping Peter]
Peter: Don't worry Lois. I'll handle this. I read a book about this kind of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was in a book? Are you sure it wasn't... nothing?
Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Glen Quagmire: Forty- five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.
[Peter is watching TV]
Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo- conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate...
Peter: What the hell does rant mean?
Lois: Kids, stop fighting or we wont go to McDonalds after church.
Meg, Chris: MOM.
Peter: OK, we can go... but you cant supersize.
Chris: Awwwwwwwwwww...
Peter: OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.
Meg: Oh, come on.
Peter: OK, you can have an apple pie but you cant blow on it.
Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: If by "read", you mean "imagine the naked lady", then yes.
Judge: Mr.Griffin, we have undisputable evidence that not only were you ever not in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you were never even in the same state. What do you say for yourself?
Peter: BABBA BOUI. BABBA BOUI. BABBA BOUI. HOWARD STERN'S PENIS. BABBA BOUI. BABBA BOUI.
Peter: Son, we're going to get you back in the Scouts so fast, they wont know what hit 'em.
[he backs into a parked car]
Peter: And, um, neither will that guy.
Peter: You wanna talk about awkward moments? Once, during sex, I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.
[Peter is watching a beer commercial]
Announcer: Paw McTucket Beer. If you drink it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Peter: Chris is not as smart as you think he is...
[Peter slaps Chris in the back of the head]
Chris: HEY.
Peter: He did it.
[Peter points to a nearby floor lamp, and Chris attacks it and starts fighting with it]
[The Griffins are being relocated to the South]
Peter: The South? Isn't that where the black people are really lazy, and the white people are equally as lazy, but they're mad at the black people for being so lazy?
[To Louis]
Peter: If I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A child molester, and I'll be damned if I stand here and get lectured by pervert.
Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh! Excluding that first "ha".
[they are in court]
Judge: I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
[bangs Gavel]
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
[Kool Aid Man busts through wall]
Kool- Aid Man: Oh yeah!
[all stare, Kool- Aid Man backs out uncomfortably]
[Brian's been hired as a drug- sniffing cop dog]
Peter: Hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage?
[he laughs]
Brian: Clever, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that?
Peter: No, I got to bed around two, two- thirty.
Peter: Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill?
Brian: That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong!... the ugly one.
Protestors: Free Tibet! Free Tibet!
Peter: I'll take it!
[He runs to a nearby phone booth]
Peter: Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost ya. That's right. All the tea.
Ghost: Come hither and give heed!
Peter: Sorry buddy, I don't swing that way
