Diary

     So, I've decided to add a Diary feature to my page. I'm sure not enough people read this that I have to be worried about this being posted all over the internet. I'm not that popular. This being my first page, I really don't know where to begin. I suppose starting with the most recent events would be a good way to start. I've decided to make an appointment with my Dr. to be evaluated for Depression. This was a tough decision. I've been struggling with feeling low and depressed for over four months now, and I just can't seem to beat it. I always used to believe that depression was all in your head. That you could overcome it with sheer willpower. But now I know that's not possible. I've done some research on the net and had to face it. Depression is a disease. And I think I have it, either that or I'm just nuts. That's the first step and there's not much hope for me right now, but I'll try not to think about it.
        I hung out with my friend Sin over the weekend. She's hilarious. We've been hanging out a lot and I suppose she's the closest thing I have to a best friend. Aside from Jenny, but she doesn't really count cause she's my cousin. Sin and Steve picked me up after I got out of work at Blockbuster. I tried my best to be quiet, cause Mike was sleeping, but I know I woke him up a few times. He's so cute. The three of us hung out and went to eat breakfast. By this time, I was exhausted having been up for 24 hours! So, Sin and I went to back to her house and crashed. We woke up around 2:30 p.m.! Then layed in bed all day. We eventually went out to see Ice Age. So funny. It reminded me of Mike and how much I missed him. By Sat. night I hadn't seen or talked to him in like two days! That's weird for me!
        Wresltemania was on last night and Mike had a few friends over. I was really tired becasue I worked all day, and didn't get enough sleep during the weekend anyway. So, I fell asleep after the Hogan vs. Rock match. Which was AWESOME! It was hard for me to get up for work today. I really just wanted to stay in bed and sleep all day. I've felt this way everyday for about four months. I'm trying, I really am, but I feel so helpless. I decided to write some poems to see if I could have an outlet. Maybe when I go home, I'll draw something. I have to work tonight. I'll be so tired in the morning. I always am when I work. But it's okay because it keeps my brain from concentrating on how miserable I am. I should be off to work now. I have so much to do, and of course no motivation to do it.
        I keep thinking of Scotland. Mike's so excited about it. I am too, but it still seems like a dream to me. I never thought I'd be worthy enough to travel to another country. I'm just a lowly massachusetts girl. I'm not rich, we're not rich, but here we are, going to Scotland in less than two months. Hopefully it will change my perspective on a few things. I'm keeping my hopes up for it. It's a dream come true for Mike and I hope against hope that it is everything he wants it to be. He deserves so much to be happy.

       Well, here I am again. I like this diary thing. It's much easier to type than to hand write. Maybe I should keep a full detailed diary at home where no one can read it. I'll think about it. This is a good step for me. I need to be able to tell people how I'm really feeling, and if doing it online is the best I can do, it's okay for now. Naturally, of course I will have to be able to talk about it. But that will come with time.
        I worked at BB last night. I had to leave before my manager, but it was really late and I was exhausted! She was fine about it though. She had all that manager stuff to do. Working a second job has been great for my savings. I've almost got enough for my trip to Scotland. Mike's been able to save more than me, but that's cause he makes more, so in comparison we're saving the same amount. I've got the binder to work on. I think it's pretty much done, but I still have to research the lowlands and find out where we can stay and stuff. Unless Mike thought I wasn't going to do it, and did it himself. I'll ask him today at lunch. I hope I get to see him. We've been bad about going out to lunch every day. The school cafeteria is closed and we don't have any sandwich meat to make lunches.
        Sin called me yesterday before I went to work, but I didn't have time to call her back. I'll call her tonight when I get home, probably right before I cook dinner. Unless she beats me and calls me at work! Sometimes she does that. Steve emailed me. He emails me with silly stuff now cause I said I like getting emails. Jenny called me this morning. Tyler is sick. It worries me that he gets sick so much. I mean, I know he's a baby and all, but it does seem that everytime he goes to his paternal grandmother's house, he comes home sick. She's a little worried too, but she's kind of helpless without a job she can't afford daycare. And God forbid Kevin do anything. I could rant and rave about how much I hate him, but that would ruin my mood.
        I'm feeling somewhat better today. Not as sad. Spending time with Mike helps alot. He's so sweet. He has all these subtle ways to make me smile and laugh and to let me know that everything will be okay. I wish anyone going through what I am would have someone like Mike. We're truly meant to be. I got home at 1:00 a.m. and fell asleep by about 1:45 or so. I was so tired, but I get figety at night when I go from being active to trying to fall asleep! Mike let me sleep this morning a little late and woke me up to get in the shower. He knew exactly what I was thinking. He asked if I felt rested. This may not sound unusual or special, but it was nice. He always asks if I slept well, and sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. Same with him. But this time, I slept well, and also felt refreshed when I woke up. And he knew it. He sensed it right away. Okay, enough babbling about that.
        I don't have to work tonight. So, I'm going to try to be productive around the house. I'm going home, cooking dinner, making some phone calls, and cleaning the bathroom. All in time to watch 24 on TV. I love that show. We have shows we watch together and it's nice quality time. Except when he flips through the channels. I hate that! But then again, what woman doesn't hate that? I should call my mom. It's her birthday coming up and I want her to come visit me. Maybe she can teach me how to sew so I can fix my veil for my bellydancing class. It's funny, I'm a pretty busy person, I wonder how I find the time to be depressed! Well, I'm going to go back to work now. I just felt like writing and I think it's good therapy to write when you feel the need.