To my darling son, Henry,
Sorry that this has taken me so long to write... I have been putting
it off... just like I put off thinking about you too much. For when
I do, too many feelings rise up inside me... fear, guilt, hurt, extreme
sadness, etc. And those feelings have been too hard to face for so
long, but it's time to talk to you and tell you my story about that time
in my life, and about how I feel about you.
I never did want kids... never imagined in my wildest dreams that they
would be such a huge part of my life. I was the selfish type...
wanted to do what I wanted to, in my own time. But then I met your Mummy
and fell in love with her. She is my soul mate and my life is only
complete with her in it. But her biggest dream was to have a child.
This frightened me for ages, but then I came to realise that it was much
better to share my life and share Mummy with another, than for her to have
huge regrets as we grew old together.
So we began the process. Mummy did all the hard work - research,
chasing leads etc. Now, when your Mummy has a plan, she does not
rest until she succeeds! And finally she found a donor. Both
Mummy and I were so surprised when she fell pregnant with you after the
first try... but for different reasons. Hers was excitement and mine
fear... oh my God, it really was going to happen!!!
Not only was I so scared about raising a child, having responsibility
and learning not to be so selfish, but the pregnancy did not progress without
enormous stresses. This did not at all help my feelings about this
big step in my life. Mummy was sick day and night, week after week
and was in and out of hospital for 20 weeks. I was trying to keep
the house running, hold down a full-time job and look after Mummy all at
once. It all became too hard so I applied for nine weeks long service
leave. And the timing for this was fate without a doubt.
I will never forget my last day at work. I had spent the week
getting my office in such order that my replacement could just step in
and the place would run itself. In fact, on my last day I worked
an hour over just to finish. On the way to the hospital I decided
to stop and get a 'feast for two' of calamari and prawns... a change from
hospital food for Mummy. When I eventually arrived at the hospital
I walked into Mummy's room smelling like a fish and chip shop to find her
crying. She told me that her doctor had just informed her that she
was very dangerously sick, that he had to deliver you that night and that
she was being transferred to a larger hospital with all the necessary facilities
by ambulance, as soon as possible.
I was so shocked that I sat on the bed, and without even thinking, turned
the 'feast for two' into a 'pig out' for one... I sat in a daze and ate
the whole lot!!! Lucky Mummy was having emergency surgery and couldn't
have any anyway!!!
Eventually the ambulance arrived. I followed in my car. It's funny
how your brain works at times like this. We had to drive straight
past our house to get to the hospital and I did think for a minute that
I might stop to feed the cats, as I didn't know what time I'd get home.
Mummy was being RUSHED to the hospital and I thought about stopping.
Fortunately sense kicked in and I didn't.
Your Nanna and Pa came to the hospital too. While Mummy was being
prepared in her room for surgery, the doctors and nurses were explaining
things to us all... everything seemed to be happening so quickly. (We found
out later that Mummy was a lot sicker than we knew. They had to hurry because
both her life and your life were in danger.) I was going to be allowed
into theatre with Mummy until she was "out to it", then I would have to
leave. Now, I don't wear a dress for anyone, but I did for you and
Mummy that night. To be allowed in I had to put on a theatre gown
(which hugged me and showed a body shape that I always try desperately
to hide!) It also only came down to my knees... below that were legs
which had not been shaved for probably 6 months - a hideous look, but a
sacrifice which had to be made under the circumstances. Your Pa even
wanted to take a photo of me for future reference, but I fortunately got
out of that one.
The next thing I knew we were rushed into theatre. I was taken off to
the side and a gorgeous nurse sat with me explaining what they were doing
and what was going to happen. As they were giving Mummy something to go
to sleep I was allowed to go and give her a hug. As soon as she was asleep
I was quickly shuffled out of the room... and left. I felt so alone.
I was standing in a corridor. I could see into the theatre because
the doors had small windows. Part of me wanted to watch... to look
over my family, but the other part of me was too frightened. So,
like any expectant parent, I paced the hallway... except the tears were
just flowing down my face. My brain was racing. Was my family going
to live or die?
Eventually I decided to find my way back to Mummy's room to wait.
I had to get out of that hideous costume and back into my comfortable jeans.
Your Nanna and Pa were waiting there. They asked me if I wanted anything
to eat, but funnily enough, I had eaten sufficient!!!
After what seemed hours, the doctors came to tell me that I had a son...
who was alive, and that Mummy was ok too. As soon as possible Nanna,
Pa and I went to the nursery where you were. I couldn't believe my
eyes. I was looking at a perfectly formed baby who I could have held
in the palm of my hand. I guess it was only then that I really fell
in love with you. You were hooked up to all these machines and cords
were going everywhere. But you were alive and that was all that mattered
at that moment. We stayed a short while with you, then went back
to the room to wait for Mummy. When she got back she was still very
sick, but very happy that you were alive. It was probably about 1.30am
before I left the hospital and went home for 4 hours sleep.
To this day I can't believe I went home that night. I obviously
thought things were ok... but now I regret wasting those hours and not
spending them with you. I got back to the hospital at 6am the next
day and then did not leave again until Mummy did.
I spent the next day and night feeling very torn between you and Mummy...
you both needed me and I couldn't be in two places at once. So I
spent the time going between the two of you. I really thought you
were going to make it... I just kept wondering what disabilities you might
have to live with. It was a bit of a shock when we were told that
you were starting to go down hill. I came to see you and watched
you fighting with all your strength. So I bent down and whispered
in your ear that if it was too hard that it was ok to let go. Should
I have said that? If I had told you to hang in there and keep fighting,
would you have survived? I will never know the answer. And
when you finally did let go, I was broken hearted. I'm sorry that
I didn't love you right from conception... right from the very beginning.
Did you know how much I really did love you before you died?
Mummy stayed in that hospital for another 4 days... and so did I.
I camped on a mattress on the floor of her room. Whenever we wanted
to see you all we had to do was ask, and you would be brought to us so
that we could spend a little time with you. In those few days we
tried to drink in every one of your precious features and your smell, so
that we would never forget. The last day was so very hard, knowing
that we would never be able to touch, hold or even look at you ever again.
That day Mummy was transferred back to her original hospital to completely
recover... and I went too. Once again I slept on the floor in her
room, just to be by her side night and day. When she was sleeping
I put a lot of thought into your funeral... I wanted to have a lot of say
(along with Mummy) as to what was going to be said and what music was going
to be played. I guess I thought I'd done nothing for you while you
had been growing in Mummy's tummy and during your 32 hours on this earth.
I wanted to give you a special farewell gift, just from me. Maybe
then you'd know that I loved you. The hospital staff were fantastic to
me... they gave me all meals and let me stay for free. Their support
at that time was invaluable.
Finally Mummy came home. We were both completely numb. The
days just seemed to go by without us. The day of your funeral the
heavens opened up... it rained and rained and rained. Maybe they
were making some room for you up there. We had you cremated and put
in the children's area of the cemetery.
After that, things seemed to go from worse to 'worser'. Your Mummy
began to suffer from anxiety attacks. Different things seemed to
set her off... dreams and smells mainly... and night times were the worst.
Because it was winter she was worried about you being alone out in the
cold. At some point we decided we had to bring you home so we could
at least be near you. Your ashes were in a beautiful white box, which
we put on the mantle, in what was going to be your room. That night
Mummy suffered the worst anxiety attack ever. She felt that you were
angry because we had disturbed you. She was so frightened that in
the early hours of the morning we had to leave the house for a while and
go for a drive so she could calm down. We decided that having you
inside the house didn't feel right either. So the next day we put
your beautiful box in a special container that would protect it, and then
put it in the ground under our palms... the most beautiful part of our
garden. And that felt just right. And it was then that we began
to start feeling some peace and begin our healing process.
Mummy still struggles with "WHY?" And I don't know the answer
to that. I only know that because of you, family and friends are
now totally accepting of your brother, Harrison. It's like you had
to pave the way for him. But I'll never understand why you had to
struggle and feel so much pain, just so they could learn a very important
lesson.
You will always be a part of our lives, sweetheart. It is so nice
to be able to go and sit outside with you when I need to. We talk
to Harry about you all the time. He knows he has a brother called
Henry who is a star. Often when I won't let him have something, he'll
say "Oh, that's 'coz it's Henrys!" And every Christmas and on your
birthday we go outside and light a candle for you. I will always
be sorry that you are not alive to feel our cuddles and our touch of love,
but will be forever grateful for the sacrifice you made for Mummy, Harrison
and me.
You will always be one of my two sons, Henry. Nothing can ever
change that.