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encouragment to others going through the same things. I guess I'll start at the beginning. Ken asked me to marry him on March 19. 1989 after dating for 3 years. I of course said yes and we set a date right away. We picked June of the same year to get married and we knew that we wanted to start a family right away so I immediately went off birth control. Nothing happened... We tried and tried and every month would end in heart break because we weren't getting pregnant. I think it probably went on like that for a year before I finally made an appointment with a OB/GYN. He really wasn't much help at all. He told me signs to look for to know when I was ovulating but since I have always had very wacky periods it was hard to predict. We just figured that was what the problem was...my weird cycles. Sometimes I would have them for 2 weeks and then wouldn't have one for 6 months and then when I did they were soooo heavy. To this day I'm still that way. I went to another Dr. a year or so later and she did a bunch of tests on me to see how my hormones and thyroid were and everything came back normal. Ken was also tested and his test came back perfect. She only did tests that insurance would pay for and at the time we really didn't have the funds to do a whole bunch of other stuff and have to pay for it ourselves, so we kept trying on our own. As the years went on and every month ended in tears I finally got a chance to get into the Dr. that I had always wanted to see but he was never accepting new patients. I got lucky and a friend got me into see him. He was wonderful and he immediately sent me to a specialist out of town. I went to the specialist thinking that I would go for the appointment but that I wouldn't be able to do anything about it because in my mind the only treatment would be Invitro and that is highly expensive. I had visions of thousands of dollars for each try. I was so wrong and I kick myself now for not asking more questions years earlier. 5 minutes into the conversation the Dr, told me that I did not ovulate and that he would put me on a drug called Clomid for 5 days and that should work. He hadn't even examined me, just listened to my history. I couldn't believe it could be so easy. 4 weeks later I was pregnant!!! We were on cloud nine. I swear I floated on air when I walked. It wasn't meant to be though and we lost that baby to miscarriage at 11 weeks. In the mean time we had found out that I wasn't immune to Rubella so the Dr. wanted me to have the immunization before we tried again. This meant waiting 3 months to try again because the vaccine was live. We waited the 3 months and this time it took 3 more months of Clomid at a higher dose each time. Finally at 100mg we got pregnant again. I was a nervous wreck for those first few months. We had found out that my progesterone levels were very low and that is what caused the miscarriage. The levels were very low this time also so we tried supplements but they weren't helping. Finally we had to resort to my having an injections of progesterone every night for the first 12 weeks. They taught Ken how to give the shots and he was wonderful. I had a very sore "behind" but it was worth every second of it. Finally, after 7 very long years or trying, we had a beautiful baby boy...Alex Matthew!
{Home}{About Me}{Ken}{Alex}{Mom}{Blog}
Updated January
8, 2002
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I want to be a Mom.
But I can't. Instead, I am a Mom Wannabe. I want to procreate. I
want to conceive a child, naturally, with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the
spirit of love and passion, in the way God intended. I want to discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a + sign. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discovered. But I can't. Instead, I cry tears of pain at random, for no reason and with no warning. I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the "pregnant glow". I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't. Instead, I try not to look pregnant. I don't buy clearance clothes for next year, "just in case". I try to keep my emotions from going haywire. I dream that my husband talks to my belly. I want to take prenatal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met. I want to hear the doctor say "You're Pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't. I want to surprise my parents with a new grandchild. I want to tell my friends and family our good news. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read "What to Expect When You're Expecting". But I can't. Instead, I have no news to tell. I realize my life hasn't changed in years. I read "When Empty Arms become Heavy Burdens". I want to monitor the progress. I want to see ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks. But I can't. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. Instead, I imagine a crib in an empty room down the hall. I avoid baby stores in the mall. We spend our money on doctor's appointments, tests and high-tech procedures. We spend our money on a dream. We are left with an empty bank account. We are left with empty arms. I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes. I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want an epidural. I want my husband by my side and family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever imagined. I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking "We did it", but knowing that God did it. But I can't. Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wondering what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this. I want to pray the one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray that someday soon He will give it to us. I want to be a mom. But I can't. Instead, I am right where God wants me to be: Thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in status. From a Mom Wannabe, to the Mom I WANT to be. Written by:
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