Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather,
and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and
I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK
TIME!
There had better be some changes around here by next
Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown
(and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So,
here's my holiday wish list:
1.A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much
smallerare these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any
idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling
up your butt?
2.Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably
white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and
MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like
cellulite!
3.A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo
over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And
what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer
with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4.Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5.Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have
to twist, just get it done.
6.A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7.A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut
it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an
advertising account exec.
8.A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete
with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough
ice cream and a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, out-
fitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs;
"Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and
equipped with several packs of gum.
9.No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is
wrecking my vinyl.
10.Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I
deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution
to society,I don't think these requests are out of line. If
you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll
for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
