Shared in the knowledge that it may help someone else who finds themselves in a similar situation....
(originally written for a Women's issues publication in 1999)
October 26th 1984...
Great excitement reigned... the day before I had signed the lease on my own Flat... first home since returning from Canada where I had worked for some months previously... My friends Jan and Mark were so excited that I had a flat in the same large victorian house as they lived... life was going to be one long party, and it was to begin here, and now, on the evening of my 23rd birthday...
..hmmmmm... who is that bloke?..... I asked Jan as we sat on the floor of my candlelit flat surrounded by friends,drink, food and great music... ...him? oh he's the guy who lives in the flat above you... want me to introduce you?..... well that, as they say, was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.... I wouldn't go so far as to say we had an awful lot in common, but he was kind, helpful( he decorated my flat for me, within a fortnight) he was a 37 year old Irishman, ok....I fancied him a wee bit!!..and...I thought it was ded cool that he called himself by his star sign, Leo.... ( only later was I to discover it was short for Leonard!!! speaks volumes eh!!).
He beguiled me with tales of wild antics in Lima, Singapore, London and Belfast..he talked endlessly of the beatnik days in London... schooldays with Van Morrison.... life working on the buses during the early days of the troubles in Belfast... and I listened..... He had a really great 12 year old son, Paul, from a marriage that had only lasted two years......and a six month old daughter from a relationship that had ended during the summer before we met....(alarm bells ringing yet? not a bit of it!)...
...for three years we kind of drifted along nicely... no real signs of things to come.... we didn't do too much... frequented the local pub a lot... sat in with friends, talked.....always about him.... what an unhappy childhood he'd had... how he had hated the navy..... how hard-done-by he felt...how no-one had ever encouraged him to do anything..... ...I went out and bought him his first set of paintbrushes and paper and he began to paint....... ....meanwhile I had gone back to college to do various things.. photography, Ceramics, Printmaking, etc...... and applied to university to do a Ceramics degree...... ...the relationship was drifting and although we didn't argue or anything like that, I knew I was adjusting my behaviour to suit him... ....I had begun to be hugely aware of his mood swings, when to speak my mind, and when not to... little things began to bug me, like the seemingly constant critisism of my work, what I wore, how I looked, the way I spoke... so when I was offered a place in Befast, I saw it as a chance to start again.....
...off I went to Belfast and for three months life was good.......but I missed him......his company....his talk..... we wrote to each other and spoke on the phone frequently..he was so unhappy in Manchester....he had no contact with his son, who by this time was fifteen, and was feeling pretty sorry for himself ....then one day I came home from college to find him sitting on the doorstep.... ...he moved in..took over ..and soon the relationship was back on the same keel as it had been in M/cr only more so.... he changed once in Belfast... and I began to see a side of him I didn't know... his obviously supressed bigotry began to rise to the surface... he had family in Belfast..who expected us to be a part of their lives...these were people who I had nothing in common with , shared no values with , and who I found to be really quite abhorrant in their attitude towards Catholics in Northern Ireland...
...we had been up the Shankhill road visiting his uncle, and were walking back down to town the first time he hit me..... I had been drinking whiskey and biting my tongue all night....hating the way his family were carrying on.... I had marched off down the road, ahead of him....feeling so angry....and told him I wouldn't be going back there.......the next thing I knew he'd grabbed hold of my hair and pulled me back towards him then hit me with such a whack to the side of my head.....I remember thinking that it was just like the cartoons..I literally had white flashes in front of my eyes and a ringing in my ears....otherwise I was in total shock.... ....going into denial was the easiest way to cope with it...we got home and I shut myself in the bedroom.....after a few hours I went downstairs to get some water, and found him in the sitting room in tears... ....it was so easy to go to him, to comfort and reassure him...as though I was saying those words for my own benefit as well as his.... ...but I realised that I had uncovered his demons....
...life carried on for a few months without reference to what had happened...like if we both were silent then we could pretend it hadn't happened...but it had...and would again......and did...I forget what started him off..but there was a trigger and it was like a repeat performance of what had previously happened.....this time I walked out..went to stay with my friend Amanda....but then came the tears, the promises, the begging me to come home....and we had created a pattern.....which was to carry on for another year and a half.........
...whilst all this was happening, he had also been offered a place at university, to study Fine Art...he was so thrilled and it was good to see him with a purpose in life....but it was also another consideration in our 'secret battles' ...more people who would be stunned if they knew what was happening 'behind closed doors' by this time I had forgotten what it was like to even think about what I deserved..my self esteem was at such a low ebb that I truly believed that if I could just behave the way he wanted me to, then none of this would happen... I would get up at ungodly hours of the morning to clean and hoover and dust, so that he wouldn't be able to fault my housework....laughable with hindsight, since I had been brought up in a home where housework was the last thing on anyone's mind if we had better things to do....when I went shopping I had to remember to keep the receipts because he would insist on checking them after.....and he was so obssessed with things being in the right order! .....when I was at college I kept up the facade of how hunky dory everything was..or so I thought....one day my tutor took me aside and made some remark about the bruising on my face....he was concerned that I'd been 'bumping into too many doors'.... I knew he knew what was going on....but I just shrugged it off... I only had three months to go before I finished my degree..and I had my plan of action...... my escape route ready........I had been applying to universities in the US to take a Masters degree on a teaching scholarship......I had had word from the University of Syracuse, that they would be interested in offering me a place.......having been encouraged to apply by a guy who was over from Canada doing his MA, Fine Art in Belfast.... he had began to restore some semblance of self value in myself....and I ws beginning to see the relationship with my partner for what it was.....
....and then, a week before my final assessments.I found out I was pregnant......and not just pregnant, but four and a half months pregnant......my partner of course was delighted... I knew that my plans would have to be put on a back burner......but at least the violence stopped.........my self esteem continued to grow.....I almost felt like things were back to normal...but I knew deep down that they wouldn't be until I left.......we played at happy families for the few months that I had left before my son was born........we moved into a nice house in a nice area...my partner took a year out from university and got a job as a manager of a fastfood chain.....and in November 1990 our son was born..
...after a few weeks though the criticisms started.....'you're not doing that right'..'.how do you expect to do that when you can't even do that properly'......this time though I had learned to expect them, and also to ignore them....I made all the right noises and coped with the new baby as best I could....actually I knew I was doing a great job....I had the most beautiful human being in the world and no one was going to deny me the fact that I was a bloody good mother......but then when my son was 6 months old, was probably the worst incident of our relationship..
...we had planned a night out and had organised a babysitter to come round in the evening......the baby had woken at about 7am for a feed..I was breastfeeding him...and was sitting in the armchair in his bedroom....I could hear my partner moving around in the bedroom getting dressed....he was saying something, but I wasn't really listening...just enjoying being with my child......suddenly he flung the door open, ...very calmly took the baby from my arms, and put him back in the cot......and then grabbing me by the hair began to punch me in the face......I was as quiet as I could be because I didn't want to frighten the baby...but evey time he punched me my head was being knocked against the fireplace.......I remember everything going black...and then the next thing I remember was knocking on the front door......my partner was sitting in the armchair looking at me...'you better go and see who it is ' he said.....I felt so woozy but I went down and smiling from behind the front door, I sent the visitor away....I went and sat down in the sitting room I couldn't believe that I had been out cold for about six hours and he had just sat watching me, I could feel dried blood on my face and my mouth was in a mess...he came in with the baby..'he needs changing'....I changed the baby..kind of felt like I was on autopilot 'this has got to stop' he said...I remember looking at him in disbelief...I could really understand how women in that situation could freak out and kill, just to stop....'oh....it will ' I said very quietly.... all night we sat in those chairs...til it began to get light again outside...then he got up and told me he was going to work...this isn't over yet, he said...we'll carry on when I get home.....and went........
.....I sat in the chair for about another half an hour...still pretty dazed.....then I had a bath...got dressed and began to pack a bag with things I would need for the baby....I put the baby in his carrycot......phoned a taxi....walked out of the door ....and was free.....
the taxi driver asked me if I was going anywhere nice for my holidays when I told him to take us to the train station......not for any reason but it was the first place that came into my head when I got in..I just smiled at him and said 'oh yes...' I pushed the baby in the pram into the station and went to a phone box to phone a friend....but then I noticed a telephone number for a women's refuge...I dialled that number..and within ten minutes I was in a taxi on the way to the rest of my life......
....my immediate needs were seen to..someone took the baby away to be fed...the first of many steaming mugs of tea was handed to me....and the warmth and support of the women there slowly seeped through to me......it was the first time in about three years that I had felt truly safe.....someone took me down to the hospital to get checked out..then the dentist who did what he could...then back to the refuge....I just sat huddled in a chair (with more tea) and listened to the noises around me....children laughing in the playroom, women joking in the kitchen..gradually the room began to fill with other residents... no one spoke to me directly..just talked among themselves, but I listened ....and I heard.....the same thoughts...feelings...tales with a familiar ring......and then the tears flowed....it was the first time I'd cried, just for me..for months, maybe years......I felt arms around me ....that just held me.......I felt like a child in it's mothers arms......and I knew everything was going to be alright....
...During the next week I was offered so much practical support...someone came with me to file reports with the police, the solicitor, the housing executive....no-one pressurised me to make decisions that I didn't want to.I felt as though control of my life was being given back to me, and I grabbed it with both hands!.........Someone came to court with me when I applied for restraining orders ....and best of all, my son and I finally got time to just be happy together.....
....I had counselling to help me understand how the whole nightmare had gone on for as long as it did...some of it was tied up with guilt feelings following the death of my mother when I was a child...y'know the way kids think that if only they had behaved better these things wouldn't have happened...kind of a desire to be punished.....I went to sessions especially geared towards raising self esteem....
...the whole house was joyous when my son took his first steps across the living room floor....
....and I knew it was almost time to go, when the doorbell rang and a distraught woman and her two children stood in front of me on the doorstep.... showing the children into the playroom and the other children to play with...I led the woman into the living room, where one of the workers was ready for her...'would you like sugar in your tea' ...she nodded and I smiled..'it's ok...you're safe now' and gently touched her arm.......I turned and went into the mad chaotic messy kitchen, treading on lego and spilt juice as I put the kettle on....'ok!! who's used the last of the milk! '...I shout smiling at another woman as we send one of the kids round to the corner shop to get some more....
...not long afterwards, my son and I moved into our own house...I went back to university and took a course in I.T. then got a job with a national charitable organisation....we lived in Belfast for another 3 years..during which time I worked aas a volunteer for Women's Aid and also as a volunteer counsellor on their 24 hour domestic Violence helpline.....and then in 1996, moved back to England....... last year I went back to University for the third time and gained my Post Graduate Certificate in Education....I am just halfway through my first year as a teacher.......
.....My son is now 9 years old....and I'm SO proud of him....he is doing extremely well at school, he has absolutely no problems with communication skills!! and he is a kind thoughtful, considerate and happy human being...he has no contact with his father, but we talk about him from time to time , when he wants to....
....and I certainly don't expect all men to behave the way my ex-partner did....I don't see it as a 'male thing' ....he was just a very sad human being who had suffered a great deal during childhood and who was so lacking in communication skills as an adult that violence was the only way he could communicate his frustrations.... and most of all I learnt to forgive....myself for putting me through the trauma that I did........and him for doing the things he did... .....for without forgiveness we can't move on.....He also went for counselling, which I hope has helped him......
... and you know, I wouldn't have my life any other way than the way it is right now...I could wish that those things had never happened, but I like the strong, self assured person that I have become because of it all, ..I know exactly what I want and don't want out of life now... I have had a couple of relationships since...nothing serious....just fun and lighthearted.....but have been happy on my own for the last nine years... I know what I'd be looking for in a partner, and I know I shall recognise it when I find it......but whatever happens with life, there's only one way to go and that's up, high, ..as far as you can reach........and I shall never undervalue myself again....somewhere out there is someone who might just deserve me!!! or someone so brilliant that I deserve them!! :-) and if not , well hey! I deserve me!!!!
Helena Clare Cook
March 2000.
Northern Ireland 24 hour Domestic Violence helpline : 028 90 331818
National Domestic Violence Helpline : 0345 023468
Postscript:
Today is October 19th 2001...for the last 7 months I have been on cloud nine..I met my soulmate!!...he's been staying with me since the day we met although we talked on the internet and phone for a few months before...today we move into our house together...life is wonderful...he is the sweetest kindest most gentle human I have ever had the pleasure of knowing...he nurtures my soul and adores me...and I him.... afterr many years of sadness and heartache...today I know, for sure, that all that is behind me....and I truly have found the one who deserves me...I knew I would know, and I do....today my soul is flying with it's mate........
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