The script in the following pages is totally owned by Paramount Pictures. This is not being used for personal profit or gain, it is strictly for those people who love the movie.

Film Credits pinched from the Internet Movie Database
Directed by
      Amy Heckerling
CAST:
Alicia Silverstone.........Cher Horowitz
Stacey Dash................Dionne
Brittany Murphy............Tai
Paul Stephen Rudd..........Josh
Donald Adeosun Faison......Murray
Elisa Donovan..............Amber
Breckin Meyer..............Travis
Jeremy Sisto...............Elton
Dan Hedaya.................Mel
Aida Linares...............Lucy
Wallace Shawn..............Mr. Hall
Twink Caplan...............Miss Geist
Justin Walker..............Christian
Sabastian Rashidi..........Paroudasm
Herb Hall..................Principal
Julie Brown................Miss Stoeger
Susan Mohun................Heather
Nicole Bilderback..........Summer
Ron Orbach.................DMV Tester
Sean Holland...............Lawrence
Roger Kabler...............College Guy
Jace Alexander.............Robber
Josh Lozoff................Logan
Carl Gottlieb..............Minister
Joseph D. Reitman..........Student
Anthony Beninati...........Bartender
Micki Duran................Dancer
Gregg Russell..............Dancer
Jermaine Montell...........Dancer
Danielle Eckert............Dancer
Written by
      Jane Austen   (novel Emma) 
      Amy Heckerling

Cinematography by
      Bill Pope

Music by
      David Kitay

Production Design by
      Steven J. Jordan

Costume Design by
      Mona May

Film Editing by
      Debra Chiate

Produced by
      Barry M. Berg  (co-producer) 
      Twink Caplan  (associate) 
      Robert Lawrence (III)
      Scott Rudin
      Adam Schroeder  (co-producer) 

Other crew
      Den Abraham..............set dresser 
      Barry M. Berg............unit production manager 
      Alan 'Doc' Friedman......make-up 
      Richard Graves...........assistant director 
      Raul Gutierrez...........assistant to Scott Rudin 
      William Hiney............art director 
      Lawrence Karman..........camera operator 
      Mark Kusy................set dresser 
      James LaBarge............set dresser 
      Alyson Dee Moore.........foley 
      James Muro...............steadicam operator 
      Wendy Murray.............set dresser 
      Patricia Nedd............foley 
      Nina Paskowitz...........hair styles 
      Karyn Rachtman...........music supervisor 
      Patrick Romano...........stunt co-ordinator 
      Marcia Ross..............casting 
      Daniel Silverberg........assistant director 
      Jeffrey T. Spellman......location manager 
      Amy Wells................set decorator 
      Diana Williams...........assistant director 

 

OK, so here it is. The entire script to Clueless including important actions, songs from the soundtrack, and my own personal comments. Just hit the little speaker  next to the character's name to hear the lines from the movie (They're not working yet). I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It's amazing the things you pick up when watching a scene 50 times. One thing: this is written by a hopelessly devoted and loyal Alicia Silverstone fan, so some of the commentary may be biased. But, I figure if you're reading this then you must have some interest her. Enjoy.

 

SCENE I - CHER'S HOUSE
"Kids in America" The Muffs
(Heaps of shots of the girls having fun)
CHER V.O.

So OK, you're probably thinking, "Is this, like a Noxema commercial, or what?!" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl. I mean I get up, I brush my teeth, and I pick out my school clothes.

"Fashion Girl" David Bowie

Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. He's so good he gets paid five hundred dollars an hour just to fight with people, but he fights with me for free 'cause I'm his daughter.

CHER

Daddy!

MEL

Cher, please don't start with the juice again.

CHER

Daddy, you need your vitamin C.

MEL

Where's my briefcase?

CHER

It's been a couple of months now, so I say we go out to Malibu.

MEL

Don't tell me those braindead low-lifes have been calling again.

CHER

They are your parents. And don't try sneaking out of the office. Dr. Lovitz is coming by to give you a flu shot.

MEL

Oh, Josh is in town. He's coming for dinner.

CHER

Why?

MEL

Because he's your step-brother!

CHER

But you were hardly even married to his mother and that was five years ago. Why do I have to see Josh?

(Watch those LIPS!!)

MEL

You divorce wives, not children.

CHER

Here.

MEL

Forget it!

SCENE II - CHER'S CAR

"Just a girl" No Doubt

CHER V.O.

Did I show you the loqued-out Jeep Daddy got me? It's got four wheel drive, dual side airbags and monster sound system. I don't have a licence yet, but I need something to learn on.

(Cher runs over a potted plant on the kerb)

Oh, why that came out of nowhere.

(Watch her face when she looks back at the road)

Here's where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like to have people be jealous of us.

DIONNE

Dude!

CHER

Girlfriend!

CHER V.O.

And I must give her snaps for her courageous fashion efforts.

DIONNE

Hey Cher.

CHER V.O.

Dionne and I were both named after great singers of the past who now do infomercials.

DIONNE

So?

CHER

Shopping with Dr. Seuss?

DIONNE

Well, at least I wouldn't skin a Collie to make my backpack.

CHER

It's Faux.

DIONNE

Hello. That was a stop sign!

CHER

I totally paused!

DIONNE

Yeah, OK.

SCENE III - SCHOOL WALKWAY

DIONNE

It's not even eight thirty and Murray is paging me.

CHER

He is so possesive.

DIONNE

Tell me about it. This weekend he called me up and he's all "Where were you today?" and I'm like "I'm at my Grandmother's house"...

CHER V.O.

Dionne and her boyfriend, Murray are in this dramatic relationship. I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie just too many times. Now I have to say to her...

CHER

Dee, why do you put up with it? You could do so much better.

DIONNE

Alright, sh, sh. Here he comes.

"Shoop" Salt n' Pepa

MURRAY

Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages?

DIONNE

I hate when you call me Woman!

MURRAY

Where you been all weekend? What's up? You been jeepin' around behind my back?

DIONNE

Jeepin'?

CHER

Jeepin'.

(Watch Cher closely. It's Classic!)

MURRAY

Jeepin', jeepin'.

DIONNE

No, but speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can explain to me how this cheap K-mart hair extension got into the back seat of your car.

MURRAY

I don't know where that came from. That looks like one of your stringy something on others you got up here...

DIONNE

Excuse me. I do not wear polyester hair, OK. Unlike some people I know, like Shawanna.

CHER

Dee, I'm outie.

DIONNE

Bye.

MURRAY

Why do you gotta go there?

DIONNE

That's it. I've had it with you.

MURRAY

Is it that time of the month again?

(Croud Gasps)

CHER V.O.

I don't know why Dionne is going out with a high school boy. They're like dogs. You have to clean them and feed them and they're just like these nervous creatures that jump and slobber all over you.

(Random guy puts his arm around Cher)

CHER

Ooo! Get off of me! Uh, AS IF!

SCENE IV - CLASSROOM DEBATE

MR HALL

Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America? Amber will take the con position. Cher will be pro. Cher, two minutes.

CHER

So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all "What about the strain on our resources?" But it's like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty?

(Class breaks into applause)

CHER

Thank you very much.

MR HALL

Uh, Amber? Replying?

AMBER

Mr. Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti and she's talking about some little party.

CHER

Hello?! It was his fiftieth birthday!

AMBER

Whatever. If she doesn't do the assignment, I can't do mine.

MR HALL

Ladies. So, does anyone have any further thoughts on Cher's oration? Elton? Comments?

ELTON

Yeah, I can't find my Cranberries CD. I've gotta do to the Quad before somebody snags it.

MR HALL

I'm afraid I can't permit that. Any further insights?

TRAVIS

I had an insight, Mr. Hall.

MR HALL

I'm all ears.

TRAVIS

OK, like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones is the way my kids are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really shouldn't torment my Mom anymore, huh?

MR HALL

Yes. Well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti, but tolerance is always a good lesson, even when it comes out of nowhere.

TRAVIS

Thank you.

MR HALL

And with that in mind, I'm going to distribute you report cards. Now, is there a Christian Stobich in this class?

CHER

MR. Hall? The buzz on Christian is that his parents have joint custody, so he'll be spending one semester in Chicago and one semester here. I think it is a travesty on the part of the legal profession.

(Look at Cher's face while speaking! Ahhh, I can't take it anymore!)

MR HALL

Thank you for that perspective Cher.

(Mr. Hall hands out the report cards)

Now could all conversations please come to a halt.

(Travis jumps up to the window)

And could the suicide attempts please be postponed till the next period?

TRAVIS

Must die.

(After Cher, the most classic character in the movie)

CHER V.O.

Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period. I got a C in debate?!

SCENE V - SCHOOL HALLWAY

CHER (on phone)

Dee?

DIONNE

Wassup?

CHER

Did you get your report card?

DIONNE

Yeah, I'm toast. How'd you do?

CHER

I totally choked. My father is going to go ballistic on me.

DIONNE

Mr. Hall was way harsh!

(Cher and Dionne meet up in the hall)

He gave me a C minus.

CHER

Well, he gave me a C, which drags down my entire average.

DIONNE

Bye.

CHER

I'll call ya, OK?

DIONNE

Yeah.

SCENE VI - CHER'S HOUSE

CHER V.O.

Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972. Wasn't my Mom a betty? She died when I was just a baby. A fluke accident during a routine liposuction. I don't remember her, but I like to pretend she still watches over me.

CHER

Hey, Ma. 98 in geometry. Pretty groovy, huh?

"Fake Plastic Trees (Acoustic Version)" Radiohead

CHER V.O.

Yuk! Uh, the maudlin music of the University station.

CHER

Waa, waa, waa.

(Cher enters the kitchen)

Yuh, what is it about college and cry-baby music?

JOSH

Hey, who's watching the Galleria?

CHER

So, the flannel shirt deal. Is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?

JOSH (grabs Cher's tummy)

Oo, wow. You're filling out there.

CHER

Wow. Your face is catching up with your mouth.

JOSH

I went by Dad's office.

CHER

He is not your Dad. Why don't you torture a new family.

JOSH

Hey, just because my mother marries someone else, doesn't mean he's my father.

CHER

Actually, Kato, that's exactly what it means.

(They enter the Lounge)

I hope you're not thinking of staying here.

JOSH

I sure want to.

CHER

I'm sure you do.

JOSH

I've got a place in Westwood, near School.

CHER

Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast? I hear girls at N.Y.U. aren't at all particular.

JOSH

Hahaha, you're funny.

(Josh changes the channel from Beavis and Butthead to the News)

CHER

Hey! God, you just got here and already you're playing couch Commando!

JOSH

Hey! In some parts of the Universe, maybe not in Contempo Casual, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.

CHER

Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me that part about Kenny G again?

MEL (From Dining Room)

C'mon you chuckleheads, get in here!

(They move to the Dining Room)

Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.

JOSH

I don't think so.

MEL (to Cher)

Doesn't he look bigger?

CHER

His head does.

MEL

So, Josh, have you given any thought to our little discussion about Corporate Law?

JOSH

Yeah, you know, but I think I'd really like to check out Environmental Law.

MEL

What for? Do you want to have a miserable, frustrating life?

CHER

Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.

MEL

At least he knows what he's doing. And he's in good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.

CHER

I have direction.

JOSH

Yeah, towards the mall.

MEL

Which reminds me, where's your report card?

CHER

It's not ready yet.

MEL

What do you mean, "it's not ready yet?"

CHER

Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, "Never accept a first offer", so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.

MEL

Very good.

(One of the mobile phones rings, everyone answers their phone)

CHER

Dee?

JOSH

Yeah?

MEL

Hello? Yeah, Jake, what? NO! Not the afternoon.

(Cher and Josh put their phones down)

CHER

You are such a brown-noser.

JOSH

Oh, and you are such a superficial space-cadet. What makes you think you can get teachers to change your grades?

MEL (in background)

I told you I wanted it in the morning! Doesn't he understand? In the morning.

CHER

Only the fact that I've done it every other semester.

SCENE VII - VARIOUS SCHOOL LOCALES

"Shake some action" Cracker

CHER V.O.

I told my P.E. teaher an evil male had broken my heart, so she raised my C to a B.

CHER

I'm so miserable. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't study.

MISS STOEGER

They're slime, they're slime, I mean they're horrible, don't feel bad, don't feel bad, I know, and you see they're all like this.

CHER V.O.

Then I promised Miss Giest I'd start a letter writing campaign to my congressman about violations of the clean air act.

But Mr. Hall was totally rigid. He said my debates were unresearched, unstructured, and unconvincing, AS IF!

I felt impotent and out of control, which I really hate. I needed to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and regain my strength.

SCENE VIII - THE MALL

DIONNE

Dude, what's wrong? Are you suffering from buyer's remorse or something?

(Watch Cher flick her head)

CHER

God, no! Nothing like that. It's just that, we've been shopping all day and I still don't know what to do about Mr. Hall. I have tried everything to convince him of my scholastic aptitude, but I was brutally rebuffed.

DIONNE

Get over it, OK. He's a miserable little man who wants to make everyone else miserable too.

CHER

Dee, that's it! We've got to figure out a way to make Mr. Hall sublimely happy.

SCENE IX - SCHOOL

CHER V.O.

Here's the four-one-one on Mr. Hall. He's single, he's 47, and he earns minor duckets for a thankless job. What that man needs is a good healthy boinkfest. Unfortunately, there was a major babe drought in our school. The evil trolls from the math department were actually married,... oooh Snickers... and in the grand tradition of P.E. teachers, Ms. Stoeger seemed to be same-sex oriented. Of course, there was always Miss Giest. Something told me not to discount Miss Giest. Well sure, she has runs in her stockings, and her slip is always showing, and she always has more lipstick on her teeth than her mouth. God, this woman is screaming for a make-over. I'm her only hope.

(Cher is writing a note outside Miss Giest's pidgeon hole)

DIONNE

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May but thy eternal summer shall not fade. Phat! Did you write that?

CHER

Duh, it's like a famous quote.

DIONNE

From where?

CHER

Cliff's notes.

DIONNE

Oh.

(Travis and Miss Giest walk out of her office toward where Cher and Dionne have split the scene)

MISS GIEST

I know you're going to be better now. Now, you run along and I'll see you third period and you will try to remember to bring your textbook.

TRAVIS

Uh, OK.

(Miss Giest reads the note left by the girls and her face brightens)

DIONNE

Oh, my God! She actually looked happy!

CHER

Oooh, classic!

(Scene changes to Mr. Hall's classroom)

MR HALL

Paroudasm Budapshawn, 16 tardies to work off.

(Paroudasm mutters something in Farsi and his friends cheer)

Janet Huon, no tardies.

CLASSMATES

Kisser!

MR HALL

Travis Berkenstock, 38 tardies. By far the most tardies in the class. Congratulations.

(The whole class cheers and applaudes. Travis approaches the podium)

TRAVIS

This is so unexpected, I, uh, I didn't even have a speech prepared. Uh, but I would like to say this: Tardiness is not something you can do all on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. Uh, I'd like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the L.A. city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid, and, uh, last but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonalds for spending hours making those egg McMuffins, without which I might never be tardy.

MR HALL

Well, if Mr. Berkenstock has no political messages to include in his speech, I'll go on. Cher Horowitz, two tardies.

CHER

I object! Do you recall the dates of these alleged tardies?

(Cher in lawyer mode. Legendary!)

MR HALL

One was last Monday!

CHER

Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave, I had to haul ass to the ladies'.

MR HALL

I assume your referring to women's troubles, and so I'll let that one slide.

CHER

Thank you, Mr. Hall. Miss Giest was right about you.

MR HALL

What do you mean?

CHER

Well, she said that you were the only one in this school with any intelligence.

SCENE X - CHER'S HOUSE

MEL

Cher, get in here!

CHER

Yes, Daddy?

MEL

Would you tell me what the hell this is?

CHER

Um, a second notice for three outstanding tickets. I don't remember getting a first notice.

MEL

The ticket is the first notice. I didn't even know you could get tickets without a licence.

CHER

Oh, sure you can. You can get tickets anytime.

MEL

Oh, is that so?

(Cher nods)

Well not around here you can't. From this moment on, you will not drive, sit, do anything in that jeep without a supervised driver present. And no cruisin' around with Dionne, alright? Two permits do not equal a licence! Do I make myself clear?

CHER

Yes, Daddy.

MEL

Cher, I expect you to become a good driver. I want to see you apply yourself.

CHER

I will. I'm gonna practise real hard.

MEL

OK.

(The scene moves to the poolside)

CHER V.O.

A licenced driver with nothing to do? Where would I find such a loser?

CHER

Hey, granola breath, you got something on your chin.

JOSH

I'm growing a goatee.

CHER

Oh, that's good. You don't want to be the last one at the coffee house without chin pubes.

JOSH

I can't tell you how much I enjoy these little chats of ours, but in the interest of saving time, why don't you just tell me what you want.

CHER

OK. So, actually, I have a permit and I can drive and all, but Daddy says I can't take the jeep out without a licenced driver, and since your not doing anything and all, you know?

JOSH

What are the chances of you shutting up until you get your way?

CHER

Hmmm, slim to none. C'mon!

SCENE XI - CHER'S CAR

JOSH

Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.

CHER

I am. You try driving in platforms.

JOSH

Look, I got to get back to school. Ah, you want to practise parking?

CHER

What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet. What class you going to?

JOSH

Actually, I'm going to a tree people meeting. Me might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.

CHER

How fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants-dropping schedule to plant trees? Josh, why don't you just hire a gardener?

JOSH

You know, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause, make a contribution. In case you have never heard of that, a contribution is the giving of...

CHER

Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy...

JOSH

time... funds...

CHER

And as soon as I get my licence I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours helping two lonely teachers find romance.

JOSH

Which I'll bet serves your interest more than theirs. You know, if I ever saw you do something that wasn't ninety percent selfish, I'd die of shock.

CHER

Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.

SCENE XII - SCHOOL

CHER

Would you call me selfish?

DIONNE

No. Not to your face.

CHER

Really?

DIONNE

What's wrong? Is Josh giving you shit because he's going through his post-adolescent idealistic phase?

CHER

Look, there's Mr. Hall.

(The girls run over to Mr. Hall)

Mr. Hall, Mr. Hall, Mr. Hall, um, do you drink coffee?

MR HALL

Well, not from this cafeteria. But, uh, yes under normal circumstances.

CHER

Well, I am such a retard. When I was packing Daddy's lunch this morning I gave him my lemon snapple, and I took his sucky Italian roast. Do you want it?

MR HALL

Are you sure you don't want it?

CHER

Duh, it might stunt my growth. I wanna be 5'10" like Cindy Crawford. But I thought maybe you and Miss Giest might like it?

DIONNE

Maybe you can share it?

MR HALL

Well, uh, thanks.

CHER

Sure.

(To Dionne)

Hmm?

(Outside Miss Giest's office, she opens the door)

CHER & DIONNE

Miss Giest!

MISS GIEST

Hi girls. Did you sign up for the environmental fair?

DIONNE

Oh, yeah, we will.

CHER

You have such pretty eyes. Don't hide them. And these clips are so cute.

DIONNE

And this tiny little waist. Oooh, wow.

MISS GIEST

Girls. Oh, and don't forget to sign up for the environmental fair.

DIONNE

Not a total betty, but a vast improvement.

CHER

Well, we did our best.

DIONNE

Mmmm, Hmmm.

CHER

We gotta book it if we're going to make it to P.E.

(Scene moves outside)

C'mon, Dee.

DIONNE

Ohh, I feel like failing, dude, c'mon.

CHER

I know what you mean, but at least it's exercise. I feel like such a heffer. I had two bowls of special K, three pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, five peanut butter M&M's, and like, three pieces of licorice.

DIONNE

(Gasp) Oh, my God. Look. Is that a photo op, or what?

CHER

Will you look at that body language? Legs crossed towards each other. That's an unequivocal sex invite.

DIONNE

Oh, Cher, he's getting her digits. Look at Giest, she is so cute.

CHER

Ohh, old people can be so sweet.

"Change" Lightning Seeds

(The following scenes show Miss Giest and Mr. Hall get it on while everyone is thanking Cher.)

CHER V.O.

The entire student body was utterly grateful for the improvement in their grades.

SCENE XIII - CHER'S HOUSE

MEL

Cher, what's this all about?

CHER

My report card?

MEL

The same semester?

CHER

Uh-huh.

MEL

What'd you do? Turn in some extra-credit reports?

CHER

No.

MEL

You take the mid-terms over?

CHER

Uh-uh.

MEL

You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-?

CHER

Totally based on my powers of persuasion. You proud?

MEL

Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.

CHER

Thank you.

MEL

Fabulous.

SCENE XIV - SCHOOL P.E.

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" Robert Hazard

CHER V.O.

I felt so satisfied, I wanted to do more good deeds.

(Dionne sneezes)

CHER

Dee, when your allergies act up, take out your nose-ring.

MISS STOEGER

Follow... through! There you go, there you go. All right, Cher. Earth to Cher! Come in Cher!

CHER

Oh. Miss Stoeger? I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for forty minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I've worked off the calories in a stick of care-free gum.

(Class cheers)

MISS STOEGER

Well, you certainly exercised your mouth Cher. Now, hit the ball.

(Ball flies by, inches from Cher's nose)

CHER

Miss Stoeger, that machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen!

MISS STOEGER

Thanks for the legal advice.

(Cher returns to line)

Dionne? You're up.

DIONNE

Uh, no, Miss Stoeger? I have a note from my tennis instructor, and he would prefer it if I didn't expose myself to any training that might derail his teachings.

MISS STOEGER

Fine! Amber?

AMBER

Miss Stoeger. My plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.

DIONNE

Well, there goes your social life.

(Girls giggle. Principal walks onto the scene)

PRINCIPAL

Miss Stoeger? Got another one. Ladies, we have a new student with us. This is Tai Frasier.

MISS STOEGER

Tai, you don't have time to change, but you could hit a few balls in those clothes.

AMBER

She could be a farmer in those clothes.

CHER

Dee, my mission is clear. Would you look at that girl? She is so adorably clueless. We have got to adopt her.

DIONNE

Cher, she is toe-up. Our stock would plummet.

CHER

Dee, don't you want to use your popularity for a good cause?

DIONNE

No.

CHER

(Motions to Tai)

C'mere. Yeah, c'mere. Hang with us.

TAI

Oh, thank you.

CHER

How do you like California?

TAI

Man, I am freakin'. I could really use some sort of a herbal refreshment?

DIONNE

Well, we do lunch in ten minutes. We don't have any tea, but we have Coke and stuff.

TAI

No shit! You guys got Coke here?

DIONNE

Well, yeah.

CHER

Yeah, this is America.

(Scene changes to the girls walking down main path)

"Unknown song and artist"

CHER V.O.

So, we decided to show Tai the ropes at Bronson Alcott High School.

CHER

That is Alana's group over there. They do the T.V. station. They think that's the most important thing on Earth. And that's the Persian mafia. You can't hang with them unless you own a BMW. And there's Elton in the white vest, and all the most popular boys in the school.

DIONNE

Including my boyfriend. Ain't he cute?

TAI

Yeah.

CHER

If you make the decision to date a high school boy, they are the only acceptable ones.

TAI

Cher, which one of them is your boyfriend?

CHER

As if!

DIONNE

Cher's got attitude about high school boys.

CHER

It's a personal choice every woman has got to make for herself.

(Murray approaches the girls)

MURRAY (to Dionne)

Woman, lend me five dollars.

DIONNE

Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me Woman!

MURRAY

Excuse me, Miss Dionne.

DIONNE

Thank you.

MURRAY

OK, but street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily in a misogynistic undertone.

(Murray hops away)

TAI

Wow! You guys talk like grown-ups.

CHER

Oh, well, this is a really good school.

TAI

I'm gonna go get a soda. You guys want?

CHER

Sure.

TAI

Alright.

DIONNE

She's nice.

CHER

Oooh, project!

(I can't put that cute little squeal into words)

(Scene changes to inside cafeteria)

"My Iron Lung" Radiohead

TRAVIS (To food)

Oh, wow. That's disgusting.

(To Tai)

That's nice representation.

TAI

Thanks. Those are really nice stickers.

TRAVIS

Oh, you like 'em? See, I was thinking it was too cluttered. You know, I wanna wipe all of this out and concentrate on one main decorative statement. Like, uh, Marvin the Martian. Right there.

TAI

Get outa town! I can do Marvin the Martian.

TRAVIS

Really?

TAI

Well, I mean, there's not really a lot to him. But, you wanna see?

TRAVIS

Yeah.

TAI

Here.

TRAVIS

Oh, wow! That's really cool.

TAI

Thanks.

TRAVIS

You drew that?

TAI

Yeah, and wait, I got... one here.

TRAVIS

You didn't trace this?

TAI

Uh-uh. No. Here's another one over here. And, lots of little guys.

TRAVIS

That is so cute!

TAI

I love to draw.

TRAVIS

You're really good at it.

TAI

No.

TRAVIS

Yeah, really you are.

TAI

No.

TRAVIS

Yeah!

(Scene changes to outside)

DIONNE

Are you sure that's fat free?

CHER

Oh, yes. And you lose wait by doing it like this. Like really small.

(Dionne giggles/hisses)

It's true.

TAI

I met a really cool guy.

CHER

Describe!

TAI

Alright, he's got long hair, he's really funny, and straight off, right? He offers me some smoke. There he is!

CHER

Are you talking about drugs?

TAI

Yeah.

CHER

Tai, how old are you?

TAI

I'll be sixteen in May.

CHER

My birthday is in April, and as someone older, can I please give you some advice?

(Tai nods)

It is one thing to spark up a dubie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.

DIONNE

Do you see the distinction?

TAI

Yeah.

CHER

Loadies generally hang on the grassy knoll over there.

"unknown song and artist" guitarish

Sometimes they come to class and say bonehead things, and we all laugh, of course. But no respectable girl actually dates them.

DIONNE

Hmm-mm.

CHER

You don't want to start off on the wrong foot, do you?????????????

(TAI shakes her head)

I've got an idea. Let's do a make-over!

(Dionne lights up)

TAI

No, no.

DIONNE

Oh, c'mon! Let us! Cher's main thrill in life is a make-over. OK, it gives her a sense of control on a world full of chaos.

CHER

Pleeeaaase.

(How could anyone resist that?!)

TAI

Sure. Why not? Shit! You guys! I have never had straight friends before.

 

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