| Why I can't get Laid: I honestly don't know. Maybe this involuntary celibacy is due to one or more reasons. Let's explore a few: 1. My standards are too high. Ha! True, a few young women fall slightly below the line of acceptability, but that's why they make those leather masks, you know. And alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol.* So that one's out. 2. The age range that I seek is too narrow. I doubt it. I'll go from 16 to 40 without reservation, and slightly above and below that in extreme cases (of beauty).** 3. I am too ugly for procreation, as determined by a female conspiracy to keep me a virgin. Ummm.....well, I have no evidence to refute this claim. Damn. 4. I am too Vulgar. What a load of bull. You see that? Self-censorship is possible. In fact, I won't swear throughout the remainder of this composition. Whatever it takes. 5. I am not making my availability known to female counterparts. Again, laughable. I have done everthing short of wearing a sign around my neck....Oh, wait, I did do that.... 6. I am trying to hard. Nonsense. No further comment. 7. I seem cold and heartless. Wrong. I don't know what to tell ya here. If you jump to those conclusions, I don't know if I want to associate with you, much less be intimate. Just kidding. I am incapable of hate, except toward Phil Tomasetti, but that is no longer an issue. And my body temperature is considerably higher than most peo-ple's. Seriously. Just come up and touch me sometime. (Females ONLY-any males that try that will be hurt) 8. My penis is too small for your tastes (no pun intended). Well, all I can say is that I'm not content with 8 inches (19.2 cm). 9. I'm not wealthy enough. True, I am not personally rich, but I sit next to Pat Steele in Calculus. 10. I am boring. Come on now, that's just mean. I am very funny and I've got a ton of interesting stories, like why I had to have two neck and back surgeries, how I nearly got expelled three times, all within 3 months, and how I really am Jill Heffer's brother. 11. I am condescending. No, I'm not. You don't know what you're talking about.*** 12. I am too smart. Once again, I'm not. I am only average, but I can seem really intelligent, and I can communicate with dumb people too. 13. I won't like you because you like *Nsync (or any other boy band) and you have seen my "*NSUCK" t-shirt. False. My sister has a ton of hot friends.**** That's about all of the false preconceptions that girls get of me, that I can think of, anyway. If you are a girl that knows of more, just Email Them to me, or, if you feel like embarassing me, just put them in the guestbook. See Ya. *: I do not advocate underage overdrinking. A little here and there's OK. I am Italian and Irish, after all **:I am not a pedophile. I am not Phil Lamartina It's also not illegal, because I am only 17 years old. ***:That was a joke. ****: That means that music tastes do not weigh heavily in my assessment of a potential sexual partner.***** *****: Appearance is a small factor, however. |