I've had so many debates over the last 10 years or so about whether people are born gay or if its something that they choose. I can only speak from my own experience, of course, but it is my general belief that sexuality is a big grey area. There's no easy answer answer to that question. There are feelings that are innate and dormant early in our lives, but we don't become aware of them until later. Other times, our environment and life circumstances push us in certain directions and lead us to certain choices. Gay and straight is never cut and dry. Or in my case, serendipity plays a part...
I was 9 years old the first time i saw a woman naked.
On previous expeditions, i had gone in the drawers and closets...looking for anything interesting. Not much was to be found other than cartons of cigarrettes, weed, or rolling paper. EZ-Wider. But this day, i went under the bed. Jackpot. I pulled out about 4 or 5 magazines...Cheri, Hustler, Chic, Penthouse, Oui. My blood pressure shot up instantly as i fixed my eyes on the covers....women with no clothes on..heads tilted back, tongues protruding out of hot red lips, eyes half-closed, long hair caressing their necks...breasts pointing to the sky...silky hair between their legs. I couldn't believe my eyes..i hadn't ever seen anything like this. I mean i saw my mom naked all the time but that was my mom...and besides, her body looked nothing like these women.
They had names...Sexy Seka and Serena. I was mesmerized....i slowly opened the magazines...my hands were sweaty and i couldn't move...there were more pictures of the women in various poses...some with legs askew or spreading themselves, some just about to lick a man or another girl....as if the photographer stopped them just short and they were to resume right after the click of the camera. There were stories with words i'd never heard or seen before cock, pussy, shaft, cum, tits..among others... I couldn't get enough. I heard the familiar sound of keys in the door so i hurried up and shoved all the mags under the bed and ran to the living room. I dove onto the couch and turned up the volume some so she would think i was watching TV.
After that day i couldn't stop thinking about those magazines. I told my best friend Sandy about them. She was 11. She had large breasts like the girls in the photos but for some reason, i hadn't noticed before. Sandy said she'd already seen magazines like that in her dad's drawer. She said the people in them played "dirty house". Then she asked me if wanted to play. I felt a little apprehensive but i said yes. Sandy took me into her room (damn we sure were left home alone alot..lol) and undressed. She instructed that i was to be the man and she would be the woman...which meant i was to do all the "giving"...
The things we did that day (and continued to do quite frequently) had a big impact on me. I can see parallels between the way i felt about Sandy and the way i deal with women to this day...the desire to please...the almost unnatural willingness to be the giver and not caring if i get anything in return. Its funny how your first sexual experience shapes you...
Sandy moved away that summer and we did not keep in touch. I ran into her almost 10 years later in the mall. I noticed her and ran over to say hi...i asked if she remembered me. I saw it all dawn on her...her face changed. She said solemnly "yes, i remember you." then promptly turned and hurried away. I never saw her again. The memories that were special to me were obviously painful for her.
Oh well. Here's to my St. Pauly Girl. *raises glass*