Child rearing is one of the most important tasks anyone ever performs, and the one for which there is the least preparation. Most of us learn how to be parents through on-the-job training and by following the example that our parents set.
Today the widespread use of alcohol and other drugs subjects our children, families, and communities to pressures unheard of 30 or 40 years ago. Frankly, many of us need help to deal with this frightening threat to our children's health and well-being.
Recent surveys show that we are making progress in our national battle against some drugs. Casual use is declining, attitudes are changing, and we know more about what works to prevent drug use by our young people.
As parents, we can build on that progress in our own families by having strong, loving relationships with our children, by teaching standards of right and wrong, by setting and enforcing rules for behavior, by knowing the facts about alcohol and other drugs, and by really listening to our children.
Every family has expectations of behavior that are determined by principles and standards. These add up to "values." Children who decide not to use alcohol or other drugs often make this decision because they have strong convictions against the use of these substances - convictions that are based in a value system. Social, family, and religious values give young people reasons to say no and help them stick to their decisions.
This does not mean, however, that if you are in the habit of having wine with dinner or an occasional beer or cocktail you must stop. Children can understand and accept that there are differences between what adults may do legally and what is appropriate and legal for children. Keep that distinction sharp, however. Do not let your children be involved in your drinking by mixing a cocktail for you or bringing you a beer, and do not allow your child to have sips of your drink.
· Look for conflicts between your words and your actions. Remember that children are quick to sense when parents send signals by their actions that it's all right to duck unpleasant duties or to be dishonest. Telling your child to say that you are not at home because a phone call comes at an inconvenient time is, in effect, teaching your child that it is all right to be dishonest.
· Make sure that your child understands your family values. Parents assume, sometimes mistakenly, that children have "absorbed" values even though they may be rarely or never discussed. You can test your child's understanding by discussing some common situations at the dinner table; for example, "What would you do if the person ahead of you in line at the theater dropped a dollar bill?"
Setting and Enforcing Rules Against the Use
of Alcohol and Other Drugs
As parents (or Grandparents or Step-Parents), we are responsible for setting rules for our children to follow. When it comes to alcohol and other drug use, strong rules need to be established to protect the well-being of a child. Setting rules is only half the job, however; we must be prepared to enforce the penalties when the rules are broken.
· Be specific. Explain the reasons for the rules. Tell your child what the rules are and what behavior is expected. Discuss the consequences of breaking the rules: what the punishment will be, how it will be carried out, how much time will be involved, and what the punishment is supposed to achieve.
· Be consistent. Make it clear to your child that a no-alcohol/no-drug-use rule remains the same at all times - in your home, in a friend's home, anywhere the child is.
· Be reasonable. Don't add new consequences that have not been discussed before the rule was broken. Avoid unrealistic threats such as, "Your father will kill you when he gets home." Instead, react calmly and carry out the punishment that the child expects to receive for breaking the rule.
As parents, we need to know about alcohol and other drugs so that we can provide our children with current and correct information. If we have a working knowledge of common drugs - know their effects on the mind and body, and the symptoms of their use--we can discuss these subjects intelligently with our children. In addition, well-informed parents are better able to recognize if a child has symptoms of alcohol or drug-related problems.
At a minimum, you should:
Many parents hesitate to discuss alcohol and other drug use with their child. Some of us believe that our children couldn't become involved with illegal substances. Others delay because we don't know what to say or how to say it, or we are afraid of putting ideas into our children's heads.
Don't wait until you think your child has a problem. Many young people in treatment programs say that they had used alcohol and other drugs for at least two years before their parents knew about it. Begin early to talk about alcohol and other drugs, and keep the lines of communication open.
Don't be afraid to admit that you don't have all the answers. Let your child know that you are concerned, and that you can work together to find answers.
Here are some basic hints for improving your ability to talk with your child about alcohol and other drugs:
Be available to discuss even sensitive subjects. Young people need to know that they can rely on their parents for accurate information about subjects that are important to them. If your child wants to discuss something at a time when you can't give it full attention, explain why you can't talk, set a time to talk later, and then carry through on it!
· Give lots of praise. Emphasize the things your youngster is doing right instead of always focusing on things that are wrong. When parents are quicker to praise than to criticize, children learn to feel good about themselves, and they develop the self-confidence to trust their own judgment.
· Give clear messages. When talking about the use of alcohol and other drugs, be sure you give your child a clear no-use message, so that the child will know exactly what is expected. For example, "In our family we don't allow the use of illegal drugs, and children are not allowed to drink."
· Model good behavior. Children learn by example as well as teaching. Make sure that your own actions reflect the standards of honesty, integrity, and fair play that you expect of your child.
The preceding sections have outlined some general guidelines for talking with children about alcohol and other drugs. We can make these messages more effective by taking into account the knowledge youngsters already have and their readiness to learn new information at different ages.
Drug education may seem unnecessary for preschoolers, but the attitudes and habits learned early can have an important bearing on the decisions children make later.
Three- and four-year-olds are not yet ready to learn complex facts about alcohol and other drugs, but they can learn the decision-making and problem-solving skills that they will need to refuse alcohol and other drugs later. Remember that children in this age group are not able to listen quietly for very long; they are more interested in doing things for themselves.
It's tempting for busy parents to do things for young children because it's quicker and easier. With a little planning, however, you can use the learn-by-doing approach to teach your preschooler how to make decisions. Let your child pick from a range of options that are acceptable to you. When the choice is made, make sure your child sticks with it.
Five-to-nine year-olds usually feel good about themselves. They like growing up, and they generally like school and all the opportunities it provides. They still think and learn primarily by experience, and they don't have a good understanding of things that will happen in the future. Facts and fantasy mingle easily; the world is seen as the child wishes it to be, and not as it actually is. Children of this age need rules to guide their behavior and information to make good choices and decisions.
Discussions about alcohol and other drugs must be in the here and now, and related to people and events the child knows about. Most children are very interested in how their bodies work, so discussions should focus on maintaining good health and avoiding things that might harm the body. Adults are very important both as teachers and as role models. Children are generally trusting, and they believe that the decisions adults make for them are right. Helping your child know whom to trust is important. They need to understand that just because someone tells them to do something, it is not always right.
By the end of the third grade, your child should understand:
· Children in this age group need to understand the family's rules. You can explain the need for rules by talking about traffic safety rules and school rules with which your child is already familiar.
· Emphasize the importance of good health by talking about things people do to stay in good health, such as brushing teeth after each meal, washing hands, eating good food, getting plenty of rest and sleep. You can use this discussion to contrast the harmful things that people do, such as taking drugs, smoking, or drinking in excess.
· Discuss how TV advertisers try to persuade children to buy their products, including high -sugar/additives-loaded cereal, candy bars, and toys named after characters in cartoon shows that children find appealing.
· Discuss illnesses with which your child is familiar and for which prescription drugs are often necessary. Many children have had strep throat, ear infections, flu, and colds. Discussing such illnesses can help your child understand the difference between medicine and illicit drugs.
· Practice ways to say no with your child. Describe situations that may make your child feel uncomfortable: being invited to ride a bike where you do not allow your child to go, for example, or being offered medicine or other unfamiliar substances. Give your child some responses to use in these situations.
· Develop a "helpers" file of people your child can rely on. Put together a phone list of relatives, family friends, neighbors, teachers, religious leaders, and the police and fire departments. Illustrate the list with photos. Talk with your child about the kind of help each person on the list could provide in case of various unexpected situations, such as being approached by strangers or losing a house key.
This is a period of slowed physical growth when typically a lot of energy goes into learning. Children 10 to 12 years old love to learn facts, especially strange ones, and they want to know how things work and what sources of information are available to them.
Friends--a single best friend or a group of friends--become very important. What children this age are interested in or will be committed to often is determined by what the group thinks. Children's self-image is determined in part by the extent to which they are accepted by peers, especially popular peers. As a result, a lot of "followers" are unable to make independent decisions and choices.
This age is perhaps the most important time for parents to focus on increased efforts at drug prevention. These late elementary school years are crucial to decisions about the use of alcohol and other drugs. The greatest risk for starting to smoke comes in the sixth and seventh grades. Research shows that the earlier youngsters begin to use alcohol and other drugs, the more likely they are to have real trouble.
Your child will need a clear no-use message, factual information, and strong motivation to resist pressures to try alcohol and other drugs and to reinforce the determination to remain drug free. Appropriate new information could include:
· Create special times when you are available to talk to your child. Try to give your child undivided attention. A walk together, dinner in a quiet place, or a visit to the ice cream parlor after a movie are some ways to make talking together a little easier.
· Encourage your child to participate in wholesome activities that will allow the child to form new friendships and have fun. Sports, Scouts, religious-sponsored youth programs, and community-sponsored youth organizations are excellent ways for children to meet others of their own age.
· Teach your child to be aware of how drugs and alcohol are promoted. Discuss how children are bombarded with messages--from TV, song lyrics, billboards, and advertisements--that using alcohol and other drugs is very glamorous. Clearly separate the myths from the realities of alcohol and other drug use.
· Continue to practice ways to say no with your child, emphasizing ways to refuse alcohol and other drugs. It is not uncommon for sixth graders to be offered beer and cigarettes and to know other children who smoke and drink alcohol.
· Encourage your child to join a local antidrug club or peer assistance group that encourages drug-free activities.
· Ask your child to scan the morning newspaper and to circle any article that has to do with alcohol and other drug use. No doubt there will be articles about drug-related murders, strife in other countries due to drug trafficking, and alcohol-related auto accidents. Talk with your child about the tremendous loss of lives and resources because of the use of alcohol and other drugs.
· Make friends with the parents of your child's friends so that you can reinforce one another's efforts in teaching good personal and social habits. A neighborhood social gathering, sporting event, or school assembly are good places to meet.
· Join with other parents in providing supervised activities for young people to limit "free time," which often leads to experimentation with alcohol and other drugs.
Here are some steps that you can practice with your child to make it easier for the child to refuse an offer of alcohol and other drugs. Tell your child to:
· Ask questions. If unknown substances are offered, ask, "What is it?" and "Where did you get it?" If a party or other gathering is proposed, ask, "Who else is coming?" "Where will it be?" "Will parents be there?"
· Say no. Don't argue, don't discuss. Say no and show that you mean it.
· Give reasons. "I'm doing something else that night" or "The coach says drugs will hurt my game" are examples of some reasons that youngsters can use. Also, don't forget the oldest reason: "My parents will kill me."
· Suggest other things to do. If a friend is offering alcohol or other drugs, saying no is tougher. Suggesting something else to do--going to a movie, playing a game, or working together on a project--shows that drugs are being rejected, not the friend.
· Leave. When all these steps have been tried, get out of the situation immediately. Go home, go to class, join a group of friends, or talk to someone else.
During the early teens "fitting in" with friends is a controlling influence. In some ways, the onset of puberty is like a "rebirth." Children want and need to let go of the past and to find their own unique identity. This often means letting go of old friendships and ties with teachers and other adults, as well as old ways of doing things. The decision-making and problem-solving methods that they learned as young children are still helpful, but young teens will be making new decisions based on new information and new goals.
Young people this age can begin to deal with abstractions and the future. They understand that their actions have consequences, and they know how their behavior affects others. They sometimes have a shaky self-image: they are not sure whether they are growing and changing adequately, they are often in conflict with adults, they are not sure where they are headed, and they tend to see themselves as not "okay." Strong emotional support and a good model of adult behavior are particularly important now.
Young people who use alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs typically begin before leaving the ninth grade. Be sure that family discussions about drugs emphasize the immediate, unpleasant effects of alcohol and other drug use. Telling junior high school students who are smoking that they will get lung cancer or heart disease in several decades is less likely to make an impression than talking about bad breath, stained teeth and fingers, and burned clothing.
Many young people use drugs because their friends use drugs. A large portion of your prevention efforts during these years should be spent reinforcing your child's motivation to avoid alcohol and other drugs. Here are some important steps:
By the end of ninth grade your child should know:
· the characteristics and chemical nature of specific drugs and drug interactions;
· the physiology of drug effects on the circulatory, respiratory, nervous, and reproductive systems;
· the stages of chemical dependency and their unpredictability from person to person;
· the ways that drug use affects activities requiring motor coordination, such as driving a car or participating in sports; and
· family history, particularly if alcoholism or other drug addiction has been a problem.
High school students are future-oriented and can engage in abstract thinking. They have an increasingly realistic understanding of adults. Young people therefore want adults to discuss their concerns and the ways they solve problems and make decisions. You may have a tremendous new opportunity to help your children at this age. At the same time, the teenagers continue to be group-orientated, and belonging to the group motivates much of their behavior and actions. During these years, young people often develop a broader outlook and become more interested in the welfare of others.
By the end of high school, your child should understand:
You may want to focus on the potential long-term effects of alcohol and other drugs during these years: drugs can ruin your teen's chances of getting into college, being accepted by the military, or being hired for certain jobs. Your teen may also be impressed by the importance of serving as a good role model for a younger brother or sister.
Although young people long for independence, it is particularly important to keep them involved in the family and family activities. They should join the rest of the family for dinner regularly, be part of family vacations, and remain part of family routines.
What To Do If Your Child Is Using Drugs