Humorous Cat Sports

A shocking first round of tennis has rocked the Winston Salem Sports Community. Thomas Vasilos, who seemed to have fallen from his former grace last summer, seems to be back on top of things after not playing for almost 8 months and having to switch to a racket, in which the new grip is made from Duct tape. Vasilos began his summer with a match against famed opponenet Anders Larson. Larson had posted a 2-2 record playing intramural tennis at Wake Forest, and had also been playing with a roommate who is of even greater talent than Larson is. Vegas odds makers had larson at a 6-1 favorite to win the match, and even Vasilos was overheard expressing his unease and lack of confidence in his game before the match. What happened on the court came as a massive shock to the throngs of fans and the two competitors. The final score of the first to ten games was 10-3 Vasilos, with Larson getting most of his games in the earlier stages of the match. A disgusted Larson had problems vollying all day long and, in the end it cost him. Fan Jonathan Hancock, when asked about Larson's performance, said that there seemed to be a point where Larson just sort of lost it; "It was like one second it was my brah Anders playing, and then i look away and i come back and it's Mark Wohlers. It wasn't Anders any more bro, it was fucking Mark Wohlers man! He was the Coolest! You don't know!" Hancock is of course speaking of famed Atlanta Braves pitcher Mark Wohlers, whom Larson is oft compared to in times of intense anger and rage on the court. Next up for Vasilos was upstart Jonathan Greene from Appalachian State. Greene also played intramural tennis at school and before the match seemed to be very confident about his chances of winning. "Thomas plays like a girl, I'm gonna crush him. He can't even hit the ball right, he's weak." Vasilos declined comment, and spoke for himself on the court. The final count was 6-3, though all who were in attendance saw Vasilos basically give Greene his last game. Greene insisted that Vasilos did indeed play like a girl after the game, but admitted that he did indeed lose. Vasilos maintained that he plays "thinking man's tennis" where pure skill and power aren't as necessary as having a good head for the game. Vasilos's most recent match was against a newly energized Alex Punger, who had been boasting about his new found abilities on the court. Despite a more powerful serve and ground stroke, Punger fell to Vasilos 10-0 in a rather embarassing fashion. Punger said after the game that he was worn down. "He wore me down mentally, after going down 3-0 i just kind of lost hope. Then I got tired and he just kept getting to everything. And then i just started hitting every thing long or in the net." Vasilos seems excited about his prospects this summer, and would like the chance to play people at a different skill level, to see if he's actually good or it's just a fluke. Either way, fans and competitors alike are stunned about the young man's presence and excited about seeing more.

Thats right, your insider news source, has done it again. Tutterow, quickly becoming known as the "Pfafftonian Geraldo" has broken another story. Tutterow recently learned that a new web site named "MTHS Humor - The Three Wisemen" has sprung up on the internet and is causing a bit of turmoil amongst the Mount Tabor community. Due to the high degree of journalistic integrity demonstrated by our site, the three perpetrators names will not be mentioned on the site. However, their blatant crimes against intellectual property will not go unnoticed. Their name "MTHS Humor" is strikingly similar to that of our own Thomas Vasilos' "mthumor." Vasilos has yet to speak out on the issue. Whether or not he will sue the perpetrators hangs in the balance. Legal expert Bob Crumley believes he could win the case. "If they have money, I can take it, whether or not they did anything wrong is not an issue - this is justice" he said in an interview Thursday morning. However, Vasilos would be well advised to seek the council of Jackie Gleason, prominently featured on the show Seinfeld for representing the character Kramer in a variety of cases, including a lawsuit against the tobacco industry. Gleason's area of expertise is civil cases though, as demonstrated by his loss in the famous "Bystander" case that sent the entire Seinfeld cast to jail for a year in the finale.

Though their site is obviously attempting to duplicate the Mount Tabor web Renaissance of 2001, initiated by the mthumor and Big Cat Press sites, they have fallen short of the mark set by their predecessors. Their site consists mainly of inflammatory remarks against certain groups and individuals. English composition professor, Walton Withersfield, from the prestigious DeVry Institute commented that "the inauspicious tone of their site is characterized by a cynical weltanschauung, filled with the anxiety, anger, and feelings of inadequacy that comprises teenage angst." He also remarked that "Their prose, whilst maintaining a high degree of negativity and condescension, possesses little to no humor whatsoever, as their site title connotes." Bob Crumley chimed in "I could sue them for that too, false advertising, those bastards." The only two articles on the site thus far are entitled "Top 20 things I hate" and "Why Lacrosse Kids Suck." Withersfield said that neither of the articles have been cited or displayed in any academic journals to date and are not expected to make any stirrings amongst the intellectual elite. In fact, he had only two words to describe the pieces: "utter hogwash." He then stated: "It would be one things if the pieces were funny. But, to degrade people, just for the sake of degrading them, without even bringing a smirk to the readers face, is a crime against humanity. The disdain the writers show towards their nemeses only subtract from the aggregate happiness. Instead of taking away that pleasure and converting to another form, while giving it to other people at their expense, they have ommitted that pleasure from the agreggate calculus. Horrendous." Horrendous, indeed.

A composite sketch of the culprits, as well as a link to their web site, can be viewed below. If you have any information of their whereabouts, please contact local authorities.

LINK: www.oocities.org/karlmalown69/threewisemen

Logan set to be tallest game show contestant ever.

Yes, you heard it here first. Inside sources close to the Brunonian known to some as "Lurch" has disclosed to Humorous Cat C Tutterow that Logan will indeed appear on the hit television show "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire." As most of you know, Logan is a frequent visitor/patron of the site and has been an integral part of the Humorous Cats family. As far as we can tell, the 6'10" Logan will be the tallest contestant in game show history. Whether or not a humorous cat will be listed as a lifeline in the "phone a friend" option remains to be seen. Logan's more accurate, more detailed, but more boring version of the story can be viewed on the message board.

Cruisin'

In the first two columns, I tried to ‘keep it real.’ But, to be frank, I needed a break. Reality is stark and bleak. Typically, vacations are advertised as a break from reality, an escape into the ‘imaginary.’ So, I went on a cruise. This is the chronicle of my gambling experience while cruising.

One of the most attractive features of a cruise is the minimum gambling age (18, as opposed to 21 in the States). I figured I would try my hand at Blackjack. I started out with $50 of my own money, plus $30 of my dad’s leftovers from Carribean Stud Poker. The first thing I noticed were the minimum and maximum bets ($10, $300). At this point, a light bulb went off in my head. I remembered my friend explaining an ‘unbeatable,’ yet very simple Blackjack strategy. In order to use this strategy, the minimum and maximum bets must have a wide range. All you do is double your bet every time you lose. So, I started off with a $10 bet. If I won, I kept it at $10. If I lost, I doubled it to $20, and $40, and $80 and so on. The chance that you lose 5 hands in a row is a miniscule 3.125%. So, the first night I go from $80 to $160. The second night, I go from $160 to $400. The third night I go from $400 to $700. Then, it went downhill. Understandably, I was elated and cocky. I felt invisible. The other players at the table spited me. The thing you have to understand is that most cruise gamblers are complete idiots. They buy in for $400, bet $100 each hand, and they’re gone in twenty minutes. Most of them could care less. They just came to get plastered and bet it up. But, they still get pissed when they lose. And when they see a guy like me racking up the big bucks and rubbing it in their face, they don’t like it. I was known for ‘classless’ celebrations after a big win. I often exclaimed “make money, make money money money!” or started humming the PDiddy/Notorious BIG classic “Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems.” So, if you know me, this luck was fated to end. If you thought I got screwed with the $1/hour pay cut (see last column), you have another thing coming. So, I go back the next day, and drop $400 by losing 5 hands in a row two different times! The odds of that happening are slim to none. I guess it was just God’s way of saying: “Craig, you aren’t nyce, stop pretending you’re a high roller when you make $5.50 an hour picking up trash at Joe White Tennis Center.”