By Lucillus
(To the tune of "These are my mountains")
For fame and for fortune,
I've wandered the earth.
But now I've returned to
The land of my birth.
I've brought back some treasures
But only to find
They;re less than the pleasures
That I left behind.
(CHORUS)
For these are my mountains,
And this is my land.
I've dreamed of the moment
I'd see them again.
I know that no matter
How far I might roam
That these are my mountains
And this is my home.
When I was a young man,
I yearned to be free.
I'd wander the valleys
And gaze out to sea.
Adventure came calling
And I sailed away,
But I never doubted
I'd come back some day
(CHORUS)
For many a long year,
I've fought and I've bled,
And sometimes I wonder
If I'll end up dead.
But through all the battles
I knew in my heart,
My homeland was waiting
And we're far apart.
(CHORUS)
Boats sail from here to there,
Chancing upon new lands,
Though many try only few find,
The land I speak now of.
The grass is green and bright,
In winter spread with snow,
The trees grow lush and towering,
Sunlight stays always soft.
In springtime flowers bloom,
Across the dale and hill,
In fall the leaves are rainbows,
Falling upon brown earth.
The valleys echo dreamily,
Sweet, lulling, drifting words,
And music gay and cheery,
Or gloomier then rain-clouds.
This is the land of Bards,
Of gentle poets and love,
Of music, and of tragedy,
And of heroism born.
So do not, fair traveler,
Seek to bring much distress,
This land is for the Bards,
The people with the gift.
By Lucillus
Dedicated to testosterone
(Sung to the tune of "The wearing of the green")
There was a pair of warriors,
Who thought they were so cool.
Bain and Magnus were their names,
The king and prince of fools.
Now as to which is greater,
Come listen to my tale,
And I will tell you of the time
These mighty warriors failed.
Late one night a bet they made
A very manly boast
So many maids each could bed
But who could get the most?
And so they set out for to prove
Who was the biggest prick
And just how stupid they could act
And get away with it.
Bain and Magnus wanted
To show who was the best
And each man was determined
To win this manly test
By fair means and by foul
Many maidens they would lay
Then prove it all by boasting
In a very manly way.
Bain went into town now
And found a likely inn
He was sure the maids would swoon
As soon as they saw him.
He preened and pranced and pampered
To show his better side
And practiced his sincerity
To hide the fact he lied.
And sure enough the spell he wove
Had all the ladies there
Dying for the chance to run
Their fingers through his hair.
"Please, ladies, take a number!"
Pretty Bain he then did say,
"For I will serve you all upstairs,
Until the break of day."
Bain thinks he's a stud now
And many maids agree
He cares not for discretion
In fact, he charged a fee.
All the ladies they were waiting
To take their turn in bed
Then boast to one another:
"I'm his only love", they said.
Now Magnus thinks he's clever
Of this he is so sure
He followed Bain to see how he
Would all the ladies lure.
He saw a lady that he knew
Whose jealous husband cruel
Would kill to keep his lovely wife
As a miser keeps a jewel.
So straight away he went to tell
This jealous hulking man
Of just what Bain was going to do
And his wife's part in the plan.
And so, he thought, he could be sure
To win their manly bet
This surely was as clever
As any man could get!
But Magnus he is lazy
As if you didn't know
He thought he had it made now
And wished to see the show.
So he went into the tavern
And waited for to see
A very jealous husband
And his victim soon-to-be.
Upstairs Bain was grooming
He made the ladies wait
While Magnus tried his best to hide
And leave Bain to his fate.
Soon the jealous husband
Had gathered to his side
As many friends as he could find
To help him take his bride.
But Magnus was impatient
And quite horny now as well
So he slipped out through the back
To stables by their smell.
He was sure that he could ream
Some very lonely horse
Then be back inside in time to see
Bain thrashed by manly force.
But even for old Magnus
Things sometimes work out well
For Bain chose for his first lay
The faithless wife from hell.
She could not wait for foreplay
But jumped upon his steed
And started quick to ride him
To service her deep need.
I know now what you're thinking
How typical it seems
For Bain to end up with a maid
While Magnus a horse reams.
But justice it soon entered
Into this merry tune
The husband and his many friends
Had come, and none too soon.
Up the stairs they charged as one
And burst into the room
Then looked Bain, and saw right there
His own impending doom.
And naked as a jaybird
He took his only chance:
Went leaping out the window
Without even his pants.
But Bain had not yet finished
His very manly chore
His manhood still was rigid
And hard now to ignore.
But his luck did not desert him
For below him now he saw
A thatched roof coming quickly
Made of soft and yielding straw.
Now Magnus in the stables
Had found a horse to pork
Was pounding deep into her tail
And leaned into his work.
When crashing through the rooftop
Came Bain with his stiff spear
And found poor Magnus most exposed
And thrust him in the rear.
A mighty squeal of pain and glee
Was heard for miles around
And far away some pigs got hard
Just thinking of that sound.
And so we have a sandwich
Of two men and a horse
It's hard now to imagine
How things could turn out worse.
And Bain, who was stuck deep now
Was trying to escape
But Magnus had recovered
And started screaming "Rape!"
Out came the jealous husband
Who could not believe his eyes
Followed closely by the ladies
Who laughed until they cried.
Now if a man were able
To die of shame alone
Then surely now our heroes
Would be deader than a stone.
But alas, in their position
An embarrassment from hell
They could not defend themselves
And their fate I now will tell.
They were taken to the woods
And then tied upside down
Their clothes were burned
before their eyes
And all went back to town.
You think the story's over
But there's one more thing to see
Who had won the wager
And the greatest prick would be.
For as they were a-hanging
An argument ensued
Bain said: "I'm the winner,
And still the coolest dude."
But Magnus he retorted:
"At least I finished mine,
So shut up, Bain, you loser,
I hate it when you whine."
By Lucillus
Dedicated to my mates at Anglesea
(Sung to the tune of "Wonderful Beer")
(CHORUS)
You could be a Concusare, a Tuchuk or a King,
But now you're here in Anglesea, so join us as we sing!
When we're on the battlefield, there's nothing that we fear,
The only thing that worries us is running out of beer,
Beer, beer, wonderful beer, beer, beer.......
Whenever you come to Anglesea, you'll find a welcome here,
And you know our campsite is always full of cheer!
The most fun that we ever have is right here in our home,
You will find us partying until the keg is blown!
(CHORUS)
Handrick is our champion, with mighty mugs of clay,
Although they always seem to break before the end of day.
But does he let such little things stop him from more beer?
All he does is open his mouth and says, "Pour some in here!"
(CHORUS)
Mordock's drunk a thousand beers, give or take a few,
Once he tried to count them all, but couldn't get off his shoes,
So he stopped his counting when he got up to ten.
Oh well, he said, I'll drink some more, and then I'll try again.
(CHORUS)
Thorack drinks so many beers he sometimes can't stand up,
That is why you see him slumped, staring at his cup.
He says, "Why should I strain myself to get another beer,
As long as I have swordbrothers. Hey, Badger, over here!"
(CHORUS)
Here we have the Shindar, who do not like to drink,
It's not that we condemn their choice, or so they like to think.
But maybe if they drank some more, they wouldn't be so uptight,
Then again, with hangovers they might not want to fight.
(CHORUS)
I could tell you lots of tales of beer and Anglesea,
And all the stupid things I've seen from drunken fools like me.
But luckily when I wrote this, I hadn't had a drop,
It's probably the only time that I knew when to stop.
(CHORUS)
by Gabrielle of Poteidaia, as told to WLMcCord
The campfire snaps as I sit by your side,
"This cycle of hate has to end," I confide.
"Only love can stop it and turn it around,"
You say, "That is so hard, is what I've found."
As I brush back my red hair you seek to explain,
just what you would do if they caused you pain,
"If he or mother or you were killed dead,
I'd run amok slaying!" you, trembling, said.
I say, "Listen, you promise me no matter what,
you will not go back to that mad monster rut."
You laugh, "Oh, I like ya just how ya are,
now go get some sleep cause we gotta go far."
"No," I cry harshly, "You promise me this,"
you look at me soft, say, "I'll give it a miss,
for you and no other I'll hold myself back,"
and a tear trickles down that I wipe off with tact.
Now I lay my head on your shoulder and look,
deep down in the fire I read like a book,
while you stare at the dark where your demons reside,
and we wait for the dawn hand in hand side by side.
a poem by WL McCord
The first sound I recall besides mother's screams,
is a hiss from a woman with eyes like blue beams.
"Gabrielle.... It's a baby!" she says in some wonder,
and the look on her face says shes struck by the thunder.
Next she hands me to mom, and whips out a sword,
to defend me against three nasty warlords.
As I snuggle with mom, she says, "Oh, you're my Hope,
and I always will love you and help you to cope."
It just felt so good, I was safe and protected,
and I don't know anything else I expected.
As the sword clashes ended we went somewhere warm,
and sweet mother fussed o'er me, so glad I was borne.
But soon came a time when things changed for the worst,
I don't even know why that my world came to burst.
On the neck of a man left to guard me, I wanted,
this fire gleaming silvery thing, how it taunted.
See I've always loved fire and burny small things,
why I don't know, they just give my heart wings.
So I grabbed it and pulled and to my intent wonder,
the man's eyes began bulging, his life I did sunder.
Mom still fast asleep, at her side I lay down,
but now Xena came in with a terrible frown.
For some reason we fled then, sweet mother and me,
from the tall blue eyed woman who wanted to see,
the shade of my blood from the inside to out,
so mom and I fled by a difficult route.
First horse, and then boat that she bought from a man,
but I knew she was worried when we came to land.
"Oh, my dear darling Hope, my Xena's relentless,
she'll track us forever, your trail must be scentless."
In a basket she put me with a wooden carved lamb,
and sent me down river, not that she gave a damn.
It was cold and scary out there all alone,
and I cried and I cried "Momma, come take me home."
But she did not come, and I knew my first hate!
To me she could do this? Was this how I rate?
So there I was off in the world all alone,
till a fiery hand grabbed my boat with a moan.
"My name is Dahak, and you are my daughter,
help me enter this world, and the innocent slaughter."
It sounded like fun, so I thought that I'd help,
since darn mom didn't want me or love me herself.
Dad taught me some tricks I could do with my mind,
and I thought how I'd show mom, then all of mankind.
Oh, I grew up so fast then, it seemed like just minutes,
Dad helped me find mom too, see, he had no limits.
In the camp of some Centaurs and Amazons there,
was my mean old mom, who for me didn't care.
And what luck, for there too was bad Xena I hated,
and her silly son Solan to bring death I was fated.
And I made me a plan, my vengeance to sow,
but I needed some help, so I freed Callisto!
See, she was a god, hated Xena and mom,
so I figured she'd work for not even a song.
While Callisto kept Xena too busy to think,
I snuck to the village to attack her weak link.
But when I saw mom there, now here's a queer thing,
I had thought that I hated her, even her name,
But she was so sweet I thought ,"Come on, Hope, trust her."
and somehow felt glad she had love she could muster.
For she cried when she knew who I was from that lamb,
and swore she still loved me just for who I am.
So I hugged her and lied about how I was there,
and I'm sure she believed me and thought I did care.
Then with mom's help unwitting I killed Xena's son,
and punished that bitch, by the gods that was fun.
I went back to mom to share my love with her,
but something had happened to put up a barrier.
For thanks to damn Xena, mom poisoned my drink,
and thought I was dead, just a coma I think.
Then they burned my body, which felt kind of nice,
and my sparks whirled away on the winds of the night.
The flames seemed a part of me; actually helped,
to bring me around, once more make me myself.
I have to admit Dad was in there someplace,
he came round and helped me to finish the race.
Now my ash floated down and I ate some guys life,
stripped off tasty flesh like I had used a knife.
Next I spoke to a campfire and heard my dad speak,
"Daughter, let me come see you, your help I do seek.
For I tell you again, daughter, bring me the blood,
of sacrificed innocence dragged through the mud.
Then I can come to you and we'll rule all,
we two can cause gods and mankind both to fall!"
"Well, why not?" I thought, "It might be a hoot.
I might as well help the old fiery coot."
My options were few for allies I had none,
So Callisto again, I turned loose to run.
For I needed to rid me of Hercules strong,
he was one who could stop me, who hated the wrong.
But that story is long and unhappy for me,
for Hercules lived and my plans ceased to be.
I was not enough strong, it was far too soon,
so for rest I went to a large ugly cocoon.
Inside I changed; grew out my burned flesh,
to look just like mom; I've a problem I guess.
Then Callisto and innocent blood set me free,
but came Xena and mom again just to fight me.
Twas Ares who saved me this time I was weak,
He and Dad made a deal for the power he'd seek.
Part of that was that we two would have a child,
the Wargod romped with me and passion we riled.
Now back in my temple, I safe should have been,
but soon felt the presence of mom once again.
I wanted to see her, can't even say why,
when I felt she was out in the forest nearby.
We met in the woods, she looked tired and grim,
and she jumped when she saw me, her fear at the brim.
"Hope," she quavered all worried and gaunt,
"what is it you want from me, please do not taunt."
"I'm not going to hurt you," I whispered, "it's true,"
The babe's growing inside me, like I grew in you.
Come, be my mother, come join in my dealing,
Please, mother?" I was shaken by the depth of my feeling.
"Hope," she said sadly, "That poison, please listen..."
and soft touched my cheek with her hand as tears glistened.
"I forgive you," I whispered and my heart gave a leap,
sweet mother still loved me, would be mine to keep.
"I'm so sorry... " she sighed, and I simmered with love,
"...that it did not kill you!", like a bolt from above.
My dreams turned to ashes, my heart filled with hate,
from the mother that bore me my love found no mate.
I left her and cursed my way back to the temple,
and caused her no harm though it would have been simple.
Then she and damned Xena attacked and fought through,
and too soon I was facing the warrior eyes blue.
To the edge of the volcanic pit I was driven,
I could not escape, was about to be riven.
Xena brandished a dagger with Blood from the Hind,
I knew I could die, but mom came from behind!
She rushed up and embraced me, and whispered my name,
then she spun us down into that pit filled with flame!
"Why, mother, oh, whyyyy?" I screamed as we fell,
but darn mom never answered her story to tell.
I thought I would die then, but dad came once more,
and bore me back safe with the flames of his lore.
So mom was now dead, and damn Xena had gone,
I crawled out of that pit to continue dad's song.
Soon I birthed my baby, my darling; come see!
And I vowed I would love him as mom had not me.
He was bumpy and blue, with claws on his hands,
the most most beautiful baby in all of these lands.
At first I hugged him and kissed him all over,
but his bumps soon grew spikes; holding him was no clover.
I still wanted to hold him, but darn his sweet spikes,
it hurt me to touch him no matter my likes.
When I'd no longer cuddle, he whimpered and cried,
calling me "Momma", but I'd rather have died.
My dear little child with fangs, spikes and scales,
soon needed to nourish, so I killed a quail.
He drank down its juice; what a clever young thing,
then ripped off the meat, while this song I did sing,
"My darling, my sweet one, I'll love you forever,
your momma is here, you sweet baby so clever."
He crooned back at me, saying "Momma", that's all,
he seemed to not know one more way he could call.
We were happy enough then, but I knew our need,
to find us a safe peaceful place we could feed.
Then I thought, Potidaea, to there we could go,
to meet dead mom's family and lay their lives low.
What a good idea that was, we went right away,
and I killed us a sheep for a snack on the way.
And when we got near, found a cave for my son,
to live in until my good work was all done.
Then I went to Potidaea, pretending to be,
my mom coming home, her dear family to see.
I soon met her sister, her mom and her dad,
and they looked like the family that I'd never had.
They took me right in, showered love and attentions,
and this gave my revenge on sweet mom new dimensions.
I stayed for a while, how to kill them was planning,
but then I thought, "Wait! My sweet baby's demanding.
He needs to grow up in a comfortable place,
filled with food he can catch without a big race.
What better a spot than here in Potidaea,
my mothers home town for my son's panacea."
So I stayed with them there while my son kept on growing,
and he hunted and ate, on his own he was going.
Then things progressed nicely one day to the next,
and it looked like my plans were all following the text.
My son killed and ate chickens and hogs and a sheep,
next a horse, then a man; my, that was a big leap.
It was all going splendid till one day at shopping,
a bad feeling came that removed the cream topping.
I turned around then, and damn! Xena was there!
I thought, "Now, what to do?" But she showed loving care.
"That's right," I thought fast, "I look just like mom!"
She rushed up and sobbed, "Gabrielle!" like a psalm.
Then this booby called Joxer ran up to me too,
and it seemed like old home week before he was through.
"I thought you were dead," Xena hugged me so tight,
And I smiled "Glad to see you," but wanted to bite.
Then I told her some lies of how I'd escaped,
and she seemed to believe me; boy, that took the cake.
When we went to my family I set up a trap,
so my dear son could kill her, wipe her off the map.
He attacked her at night in the barn, death the fee,
but the bitch would not die, and dawn caused him to flee.
I thought she had hurt him, was worried a bit,
so went taking mom's sister to see my poor kit.
My good "sister" Lila, was meat for his snack,
but Xena showed up so my plans went to wrack.
Then I managed to lose them and went to his cave,
and soon I was with him, worried sick for my babe
But my precious was fine, with no wounds at all,
the War-Princess had lied, caused my fine mask to fall.
So she knew who I was, was determined to martyr,
her best friend's poor daughter, come fire or water.
I headed on home then, but attacked was by Joxer,
I hung him for baby, he was just too cocksure.
Then I told mom's parents bad Xena had beat me,
and they sent her packing, I'd fooled them completely.
Everything had gone fine, and my plans I still had,
but then I felt something that made me real mad.
I knew Mom was alive! She was here in the house!
I couldn't believe it! How'd she live, that darn louse!
To the room she was hidden I went straight away,
"Hello, there dear Mother!" with a snarl I say.
"Hope," she spoke softly, "why aren't you dead?"
"Not for your lack of trying, oh mother!" I said.
"I wanted to love you," she blinked back a tear,
"but I just had to stop you,", "for Xena?" I leer.
"Not just Xena," she gasped, "for the world bright and green,
I loved you but Dahak was just too obscene!"
Now I felt sparks of love for my mom, but was careful,
she had hurt me too much, so I lied, sort of fearful.
"I don't care anymore, one way or the other,
my son will kill Xena, and then you, dear mother."
The next thing I knew she ran out of the room,
and I heard my son bellow, knew Xena'd die soon.
I came out with a laugh, heard his roars from the barn,
then heard my son scream, my joy turned to alarm.
I rushed in at once then, by fear was distracted,
saw the warrior's sword in my son's back impacted!
"Noooo!" I cried out, ran in rage and great dread,
my sweet baby was hurt and it made me see red.
He spun around then and his hand spike stabbed deep,
my eyes opened wide, I was stunned, could not speak.
As perceptions dimmed fast, I saw Xena and mom,
and knew they had tricked my poor innocent son,
made him think mom was me, and then they betrayed,
so he attacked me, what cruel sense it now made.
My child he was dying, and I knew I was too,
"Momma, momma," he sobbed, his voice broken through,
the only word he could speak, and I hugged him right to me,
despite his pain spikes, he was still my sweet baby.
Eyes widened at mom and damn Xena who'd killed,
I could see Mom still loved me; her green eyes tear filled.
And wanted to tell her... something that I knew...
but could not get my breath, for numbness just grew.
As we sank down I thought, "Third times... the charm...
three times now I've died.... I can do no more harm..."
My dear son and I rode down death with compliance,
I thought, "Mother.... I love you..." and then there was silence.
The End
A TRUE STORY OF HARE RAISING HORROR
By Gabrielle of Poteidaia, as told to WLMcCord
We were deep in the swamp for Argo out looking,
and had run out of food then smelled Joxer cooking.
The Mighty said, "Radish soup's what I got,
I'll be glad to share." We said, "Oh, we think not."
Out of food in the swamp. Oh my, what a lark,
I said "Xena, I'll get us some food before dark."
"Oh right, Gabrielle," she turned her nose up,
"Like you've ever found us some food which to sup."
You who are bent, and bald, and blind,
with a heavy heart and a wandering mind,
Have known three centuries, poets sing,
Of dalliance with a demon thing.
----------------------------------
I return once more in shame,
Exhausted, embittered, the Knight with
No one save myself to blame.
I return to this ragged keep
For it alone is all I reign.
No banners, no songs, no glorious
Cheers for what I have attained,
Not even a maiden to greet me as
I return once more in shame.
You see the blood I wear is mine.
So many battles fought and tried;
Years that have been less than kind,
But the Witch and her cards said
The scars would heal through time.
Yet, I know my valiant deeds will
Never be written in heroic rhyme;
Through all I've endured and
Survived, the blood I wear is mine.
My armor has become a shroud,
The once new gleam now bent and
Stained, doesn't seem to wear so proud,
And two silver lions on a field of gold
Return again alone, afraid, head bowed.
If only I could rend it from my
Body to stand naked and cry aloud,
My quest is honor bound, though
My armor has become a shroud.
This sword alone still brings me pride.
The Wizzard's gift from happier times.
Through death and night it has been my guide,
My companion, my lover, my savior
Against the evils I have vied.
A symbol of rightousness to the
Befuddled mass I dreamed of unified.
I find the strength to carry on because
This sword alone still brings me pride.
What a mournful, hollow sound,
Are the hooves of this weary steed
Dragged over cobblestone ground.
I have entered my realm yet
Not one kind face can be found.
To have faced such deaths for
These for which I was crowned,
But to endure this silence,
What a mournful, hollow sound.
Thank God, today there is rain
And I can ride these bitter streets
As always hiding my pain
Or at least make my castle floor
To weep and dream before I go again.
So many have counted on me yet I
Can give no more and still be sane.
These tears I'll never show;
Thank God, today there is rain.
I have but journeyed to my door
To find a young maiden waiting and
Watching, I have felt hate before.
But as I fall from the saddle,
I sense there is something more.
Fresh blood flows, my shield lost,
My sword in mud, but my spirits soar.
Before I died, she smiled at me and
I have but journeyed to my door.
I wake in the comfort of my bed.
The maiden has been so kind when
My soul had known it was dead.
It was the way she understood my
Haunting quest, the things she said.
A promise to wait if I'm forced
To roam again, or to choose instead
A quest in love and forever wake
In the comfort of her bed
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