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August 29 2001 I’ve
made a change in my plans, no matter how much I enjoy my walks on friday I’m
going to change my routine and do my regular workout on that day. Why ? Well
because I burn more calories by doing the cardio/weight lifting than by just
walking. Once I’ve lost the excess weight I will resume my walks for
maintenance. I’ve noticed an “increase” in my weight since I started walking
about a month ago, I got stuck at a certain weight and then gained some so
I’m going to try this plan out and let you know if that was the difference. I’m
still highly motivated and I want to tell all of you out there who are
starting a weight loss program to not give up, results sometimes take longer
than we would like, but any change you make today will be a positive one for
you in the future. Always keep in mind that you didn’t get to the weight you
are in a day or two, it took many years so changes will not happen over
night. Just
do something to change. You’ll start to feel so much better about yourself,
more confident and more in control. I
wish you all a healthy and happy thursday ! Pictures
will be posted on Sept. 1st. Wish me luck !
August 28 2001 Yesterday
I put all my heart and energy into my workout and today my body is feeling
severe pain. As I woke up this morning and tried to get out of bed I felt as
if I was a piece of log (totally stiff) so I started stretching and little by
little I was able to move again although the pain is terrible. What
was different in my workout yesterday ? I concentrated ! Yes, on every single
move I made, I could feel the muscle I was working and I pushed myself to the
limits, that means until I felt that particular part I was working on was
ready to fall off. Last
night I dreamt with chocolate. It must be like when you quit smoking and 3
weeks later you dream you are smoking because in my dream I totally pigged
out on chocolate. Somebody kept leaving me chocolates in the mailbox and I
would come home and find all sorts of them and start eating them like there
was no tomorrow. When I woke up this morning I felt guilty, until I realized,
hey ! I DIDN’T eat them I just dreamt I did. So
now you know I’m a chocolate junkie :) I’ve also had a craving for cake, but
not just any cake, birthday cake, I have no idea why because I’m not even a
big cake eater. I
feel very good, except for the body pain, but I guess even that feels good. Have
fun today !
August 28 2001 Thank
god this month is almost over. It’s just one of those things, this month
seems to have some sort of jinx over it and that makes it odd. I’ve
gone back to watching my food and I think I’ve lost the excess weight I had
gained, I won’t know for sure until I weigh myself in a couple of days but I
do feel lighter. I
think that one of the problems I had was an increase in my hunger (I didn’t
know how to deal with it) so instead of eating an apple or something good I
would eat cookies or something bad. I’m paying close attention to “those”
moments and I’ve come to know that: 1.-
They always come in the afternoon 2.-
It usually happens about an hour before I exercise 3.-
I usually crave “salty” foods The
better part of this is that I’m controling those hunger pangs, how, you ask ?
Well, as soon as I “feel” one coming on I immediately pour myself a glass of
water and drink it as fast as I can. This usually takes care of the craving,
I try to relax an concentrate on something else. Yesterday for example I
started to get ready for my workout way ahead of time but it took my mind off
the food. Today
it has been much better, I haven’t had a craving yet :) It is, as everything
else, a matter of habit. Have
a good day.
August 27 2001 Yesterday
I managed to put in half an hour of biking, I usually don’t exercise on
Sunday but I was so pissed off about the weight gain that I did some extra
work. I’ve been incredibly good today with my food. I was getting into
snacking again (bad habit) when I watched t.v. and usually not healthy snacks
but yesterday to me was like a wake-up call, I’ve come to a point where I
feel good, better than I have in many years and when you start feeling like a
“thin” person you feel like you can eat anything, at least I do. Wrong!!!!!!
I ate a bunch of stuff that I shouldn’t of and the result was a gain, I’m not
going to pretend that I’m intrigued about my gain, I brought it on to me, I
have to take responsibility for my actions and change the outcome, and I am ! I
feel that not all is lost because this little slip up put me right back on
track. We’ll see what’s up by the end of the month with the pics. I’ve
been drinking a lot of water but not as much as I was drinking at he
beginning of my weight loss program, I’m trying to get back into that mode
but for some reason it gets harder as I go along (the water drinking I mean=)
So
not much more for today, just get my ass into gear again, no use crying over
spilt milk, best thing I can do to start feeling better is to regain control
of my eating. Have
a great week !
August 26 2001 Ohhhh!!!!!!!!
What a horrible situation :( I gained weight ! This is so bad. If you look at my
measurments you can see they’re all weird, I lost in some areas, gained in
some and stayed the same in some. This does not mean I’m giving up, no way,
on the contrary, I’m going to be extra careful now. What
could have happened ? Here are my thoughts: * I
slacked off on my eating. I felt hungry a lot and confident that I could eat
anything because I was doing the exercise, bad. *I
hardly drank water this week, and I did resent this in my workouts. I would
start feeling dizzy and would have to stop for a few minutes, drink water and
then keep going. *Almost
all month I didn’t do exercise on thursday and that meant not doing the work
for the lower part of the body, yesterday I decided to do what I was supposed
to do on thursday and today my legs, butt and waist are very soar, can’t skip
that particular day. This
in a nutshell is what I think I did wrong this week, and besides I’m pretty
certain that a lot of the weight I put on is water weight, all week I’ve been
having salty food and I’m hoping that if I make wiser food choices this week
I will not only lose this extra weight but I’ll maybe go down another kilo. So
all is not lost ! I did lose 2 cms. on my chest, and 1 cm. on my hips/butt,
that’s good enough to keep me going. Picture
time is coming and now I’m petrified of it, but if I do things right for the rest
of the month I’m sure I’ll be able to see results in the pictures. Wish
me lck :)
August 25 2001 Today
I’ve kicked back and relaxed, the whole day has had a kind of rainy-day
feeling to it (which I love) and it just seems to invite you to relax. I went
for my walk yesterday and just as I was getting into my house (right after my
walk) it started pouring rain, I was so lucky, I would have gotten drenched
and maybe my CD player would have been ruined. My
exercise plan for today you ask ? Well, in a while I’m going to get my bike
out and do 20 kms. on it and then I plan on doing some floor exercises and
some crunches, I also have to weigh and measure myself today (which in a way
is very scary) because I haven’t seen any progress for tha past month almost. I’ve
been having a real craving for pizza, and it’s one of those things where
everywhere you look someone is eating pizza, on the TV, the neighbors,
arggg.....we’ll probably order one, you have to eventually give in :) It’s
time to get rid of all my fat clothes, yes, today I put on a pair of shorts
(which felt very comfortable) and when I had to go out and do something I
glanced at myself in the mirror and I looked HORRIBLE. Both my shirt and
pants look big thus giving me a look of “bigness” that I can’t truly
describe. Something like a stuffed bean-bag, so I’m not putting it off
anymore, anything that makes me look as dumb as the clothes I wore today is
going to be donated somewhere. Pictures
again in a few days !!!!!!! I want to SEE if there is any change in me, my
clothes today confirmed I’m losing weight, 2 months ago the things I’m
wearing now were tight on me and now they look as if they belonged to someone
else. Not
much more for today. Have a fun and healthy weekend.
August 24 2001 If
the weather keeps up as is I will be going for my walk today, the sky looks
very suspicious, as if it’s going to start pouring from one minute to the
next, but I can see the sun trying to push it’s way through all of the
clouds. I
didn’t exercise again yesterday, why ? I have no idea. I wasn’t tired or
anything I just didn’t feel like I wanted to. I
tried some clothes on today that had been too tight on me a few months ago,
I’m not saying they look “great” on me yet but at least it doesn’t look as if
I was going to burst out of them :) That means that I have lost weight this month. Tomorrow is measurment and
weigh in day, I’ll know for sure then. I just hope that I’m past the 77 kilo
plateau. Don’t
have much more to say today. Have
a great weekend.
August 23 2001 Oh
Bummer ! I might not be able to go for my walk tomorrow, the weather is
HORRIBLE here and will most likely be worst tomorrow so I’ll have to stick to
my good ol’ bike :) There
was a commotion today on the internet, one of the journals I follow (which by
the way I find very motivating) is Fred’s.
This man has totally re-made himself from scratch. The way he sees it is that
his whole process is not hard and that annoys the hell out of a lot of
people. But I have to agree with him, it’s not hard. When you’ve made your
mind up to change your whole attitude and outlook and start living a positive
and healthy life it can’t be hard. We’re not playing games here, this is your
life, the ONLY life you have. There is no second time around. Keeping that in
mind, why wouldn’t you want to have the best possible life ? Why wouldn’t you
do everything in your power to change yourself if needed ? We
look for excuses always, our failures, lack of self-esteem are always
somebody elses fault and if we come across someone that IS doing something
about his situation we feel that person has it easier than us. Why can’t we
take responsiblity for ourselves? We’ve made the choices, we’ve walked the
road, right or wrong, it doesn’t matter, it’s in our hands to change things.
Someone is always going to have it better than us and somebody is always
going to have it worst. We should not worry about that and concentrate on
using whatever is in our power to start doing things right. I’m
with Fred all the way, if you want something bad enough you make it happen,
no matter what your condition. That
brings me to ask myself a question. Do I want to change bad enough ? The
answer is YES ! August 22 2001 The
decisions we make today are going to affect the rest of our lives. That’s a
very scary thought considering that we make most of our choices at the spur
of the moment, never well thought out things. In part I agree with this
statement and in part I don’t. I believe that we have to put some mind into
the things we do, not just do them in an automatic motion, we have to take
responsibility for our actions, but I also believe that we have the right to
make mistakes also. The
most important thing we can do is rectify our mistakes. So we didn’t make “the
best” choices, so we didn’t finish this or that, it’s ok, because now you
know you made a mistake and now you have the power to “change” the outcome. Life
is a process of trial end error, it’s always been that way and always will
be. We tend to go to a “comfortable” zone where we are protected (from the
weather, emotions, other people, etc...) and that’s just our human nature.
Food is a protective coating, food gives us something to do when we’re bored,
food will never judge us, food gives us a special “high”. It’s true, food is
one of the greater pleasures. Trial and error. For 12 years I’ve confided in
food, trusted it, hidden in it and today I question myself. Am I happy ? Is
this what I wanted ? The answer is overwhelming, NO. Actually I’m very unhappy,
I feel “left-out”, unwanted, insecure, unattractive, etc...or I did anyway,
I’ve changed now because I gave food it’s perspective, the true one, I would
never have done it with out goofing up in the first place, I wouldn’t value
myself as much as I do now if I hadn’t had the chance to be totally
de-valued. Mistakes
are part of us and we learn a lot from them. We’ve all had them. My
body is very soar today, I concentrated on my exercise last night and I think
I did a real good workout, my body thinks so too. Have
a good day.
August 21 2001 I
feel like last night I had a real good workout, I was really into it and
paying close attention to the movements of my muscles, did them slowly and
savouring every minute of it (am I weird or what ?) then I went to bed
expecting to have a good night’s sleep. Half an hour into my dreams I had to
get out of bed to shut every window in my house (yes, it started pouring), it
rained for about 15 mins. and started getting terribly hot (I can’t sleep
with air conditioning on because it gets me very sick so we leave the windows
open and use fans) so I got up again an opened all the windows then went back
to bed. 30 mins. later it started pouring again so I got up closed the
windows and went back to bed. 15 mins. later it stopped so I got up and
opened the windows, get the picture ? I was doing this practically all night.
About 3:30 in the morning I realized how idiotic my behaviour was and started
laughing like a mad woman in the middle of my living room while thunder lit up
the sky, scary, huh ? At least that’s what my husband thought when he walked
in and caught me laughing. Said he
heard noise and realized I wasn’t in bed so he came to see what was going on. I
don’t get men, how could he sleep through all of this and not hear anything ?
It’s the same with the weight issues, here I am doing all sorts of exercise,
watching what I eat to lose 1/10000000000000000000000000000000000000 of a
pound, so my husband gets motivated and decides to cut back on bread (no
exercise, mind you) and loses 5 lbs. in less than a month. Is that fair ? Is
that justice ? Anyway......I
got up this morning (thinking all the time I’d probably be as tired as a dog)
and was ready to go ! Not tired or anything. I was surprised. It must be that
I’m in better condition now than before, but just wait until tonight, I’ll
probably pass out as soon as I walk through my bedroom door :) Have
a great day !
August 20 2001 Last
night we went to the movies and saw “AI”, what a great movie ! I loved it and
as a special bonus I had half a bucket of popcorn, yes I did. It had been a
while since last I had it and when we got home I was feeling as sick as a dog
to my stomach. I can’t tell you what it was exactly but I can assure you it
had everything to do with the popcorn. *
Sigh * I was looking at myself in the mirror
this morning trying to see any changes in my blubber suit and I can’t seem to
find them, I get a “general” sense of me looking “smaller” and “lighter” but
I can’t see where, if you know what I mean. My gut still feels as if it were
getting bigger instead of smaller (can’t figure why ) and in my head I still
see myself big. I
can’t eat as much as I used to, that’s a fact, everyday when I eat my dinner
I always leave something on the plate because I can’t finish it (I’m too
full) and I guess that’s good but a little while later I’m very hungry. I
need to look at the bright side of things, I’m “stuck” at 77 kgs. (170 lbs)
which is excellent considering that not too long ago I was weighing 86 kilos
(which is 190 lbs), I’ve lost 9 kilos (20 lbs) that is pretty good. OK
I’m motivated again ! Have
a good week.
August 18 2001 Well,
as you can plainly see here there is no progress except for a teeny
one on my waist and arm, I guess it’s better than nothing but still it sucks
:( I
went for my walk yesterday, as it turned out the sky cleared up and I was
able to do my thing. Today I woke up and felt ready for action. Last saturday
I recall being very soar and just very tired and not wanting to really “do”
anything but not this time, I was ready to go early in the morning. It’s only
4:30 pm and I already did everything and managed to do 20 kms. on my
sationary bike. I’m hoping that maybe this afternoon I will do a little bit
more on the bike (because of not doing anything on thursday). I just hope
that I start to see some progress soon because I’m in dire need of breaking
this damn plateau. It’s really good that I’m out of the 80’s(which is where I
started) but I have been really good and I feel I’m not losing as quickly as
I’d like. Last
night (after my walk) I took a shower and
settled back to watch a movie, I wasn’t tired at all, I was actually
surprised about how good I felt and then suddenly it hit me, just like a
wave, I could feel my body get relaxed and my head getting cloudy and I just
started to drift off into sleep. What a great feeling ! I haven’t had
sleeping problems ever since I started exercising but yesterday was the most
relaxing sleep I’ve had in a long time. Another good reason to keep doing the
work ! Have
a fun weekend !
August 17 2001 Yesterday
Geocities was down and I wasn’t able to post my journal entry but I did today
:) All is well, I’m totally hyped up
for my walk this afternoon although there might be a little setback, it’s
been raining practically all morning and it sure does look as if it were
going to continue raining throughout the day. I want to go for my walk though
so I just might go even if it’s raining (I’m not sure if that would be a lot
of fun) but I can give it a try. My
elbow is officially killing me now, it hurts very much, I know what it is,
it’s a muscle I pulled and it was just so stupid. I was looking through a
magazine and I saw some exercises so I pulled out the pages and figured
“hmmm, I’ve got more exercises to do :)” that afternoon I did a set of them
and I felt the moment when my elbow kind of jumped (that’s when I figure I
pulled it) dumb, just plain dumb. I know better than that, I know that you
just can’t do anything, I remember that while I was looking at them they
seemed a bit suspicious (too little support for the arms and back) but I did
them anyway and here I am 1 month later regreting ever doing them :( So
now I’m taking it easy on the arm and trying not to do “too much” with it (if
that’s possible). Today
is weigh in and measurements, I’m so nervous, what does that damn scale have
to say this time ? I’ve been stuck at 78-77 kilos forever and wonder if they’ll ever go. How can I look
thinner and still weigh a lot ? I refuse to sulk about it, as long as I see
results in that shiny thing on the wall (mirror) and as long as I feel good
I’ll know I’m doing great. Have
a great weekend ! August 16 2001 It
happened again ! What is it about thursday ? As it turns out I did no
exercise today. No special reason, I just didn’t. It’s not that bad, after
all I’m doing exercise on saturday but still I don’t like the guilt trip. Tomorrow
I’m ready to go for another one of my great walks, I’m looking forward to it.
I’ve been reading a bit about walking , what to do, what not to do, and the
more I know about it the more I can’t figure out why I didn’t do it sooner.
After the walk I feel totally tired and even a bit light headed and I can
distinctively feel the muscles in my hips burning, I’ve never ever felt like
that once on the bike, you’d think that biking is a harder activity but
apparently not. It’s
funny how you condition your mind, just thinking about going out walking for
2 hrs. makes me want to go to bed but believe me once you start moving those
legs you’re on a roll and you actually don’t want to stop. I’m
anxious about my picture this month I think I’m going to be surprised when I
see them because I can see my body changing, it just started happening this
month, my neck is getting thinner (it actually looks longer) and my legs are
getting toned and trim, my stomach is......well.....let’s not talk about that
now :) My very favorite part is my shoulders, not to long ago I looked like a
was a proffessional football player (I swear) and now I’m starting to get
that “feminine” look. I’m a shoulder person, yes I am. Today
I decided my body is my temple, I’ve made so much progress quitting smoking
and getting physically active that I feel the effort should promote a whole
new me, it’s very obvious that the old me had a lot of issues but she’s gone
now and I really don’t want her back. Not only will I continue to care for my
body but I will also include my mind in it, how, you wonder ? Well that’s
easy, promoting positive thinking, you know, instead of saying “I’ve got so
far to go “ you say “I’ve come so far” and it really does work. I’ve been
mentally abusing myself forever and where did that get me ? to a state of
absolute pity, it killed the self-esteem I ever had and had me lying on the
grown face down. Is that what I want ? I don’t think so, I’m over that. I
can’t seem to put my finger on what it was that changed me so totally, it
could have been a whole set of things that happened at the same time, but I
am sure that I don’t want to go back to being the old me. So
in this new state of mind I say “so what if I didn’t exercise today ? I’m
still going for my beautiful walk tomorrow”. Life
can be so nice.
August 15 2001 Today
has been a “strange” day. I’ve been wanting to think all this time that all
my weight loss is just for “feeling” better, for healthy reasons and I’ve
never ever once wanted to recognize that maybe vanity has something to do
with it, because in my mind that seems shallow, just doing it for the looks,
you know. But today I proved myself very wrong. Long ago, when I was young
and thin I was a knockout, really, guys would stare at me and approach me all
the time anywhere. I had totally forgotten about that feeling, for so many
years I’ve hidden behind a suit of disgusting fat. And not once during all
these years had a man (other than my husband) ever even looked at me (as a
woman). On the contrary, I was under the impression that people were actually
trying to be extra polite with me. I know I FEEL good with myself but I don’t
think I LOOK good just yet, I’m still changing, but the sense of security I
now have must be appealing because for the past week guys have been noticing
me a lot and my husband is freaking out. He’s noticing that I´m being noticed
and he’s so jealous. I’d lie if I said that I don’t notice that or care, it
makes me feel good in a weird sort of way, vanity I tell you. I’d like my
husband to know that I would never in a million years even consider being
with someone else, he stood by me in good and bad and I will always be there
with and for him. Being attractive is a plus because if I feel beautiful I
will be more secure in my relationship with my husband and you know how that
goes :) Just
proves I’m a human being, for some reason people seem to think that fat
people are not human or have no feelings or are not as important or real as
other people. They think that we don’t like to be looked at (in a good way)
but how wrong they are. So
to some extent it is about turning heads and grinning to myself knowing that
I’m appealing to other men besides the one I chose to spend my life with and
feeling beautiful. But it’s not just that,
it’s looking at myself and knowing I’m capable of change. Motivation,
don’t ever leave me !
August 14 2001 Today
is a much better day :) Yesterday I just mellowed out and let things be, not
fight them and in the end everything got excellent. Sometimes when things are
not going really good we think that if we push the issue we’ll eventually
make it better, wrong, if we just let things work themselves out the outcome
will be much better and with a lot less stress. I’ve
learned something new about myself, and it freaked me out ! Yesterday (of
course, it had to be yesterday) as I was looking at my reflection in the
mirror (a recently acquired habit) I saw that I was “uneven”. Don’t laugh,
I’m serious. Let me explain. My left side is getting “thinner” than my right
side. How can this be ???????? I was going CRAZY thinking “what’s going on ?”
I tried to confort myself thinking I was seeing visions, yeah, some weird
light effect (yeah, right), then I thought it might be the clothes (I only
had my undies on yeah, right) so I spent the rest of the day wondering if I’m
damned to be a freak (be thin on one side and fat on the other) and if a
circus would hire me, or if I should just start eating until I got fat again
and looked even. By
night I was a nervous wreck and of course confided on my better half (my
husband). I told him my worries while he stared at me with a look of “what ?”
on his face, when he didn’t believe me I lifted up my shirt and showed him
the evidence right there on my body. He noticed, he laughed, I bit his head off.
After trying to find a cause to this situation (almost an hour) he said
“stand back” so he could see me whole, so I did and guess what we found ? One
of my legs is slightly shorter than the other one (is that freaky or what ?)
thus giving the appearence of being heavier on one side than the other. It’s
almost nothing but noticeable because I’m losing weight. How old am I ? 33 ?
How could I never have known before ? So
I’m no longer worried because I know that once I lose ALL the unwanted fat
I’ll look even again :) Have
a great week !
August 13 2001 Today
is a horribly crappy day, I don’t know if it’s because it’s the 13th
or because it’s august (august has always been a bad month ) but it’s been
one of those days, you know the kind where everything that could possibly go
wrong has gone wrong, the worst part is that the day isn’t over yet, so I’ll
just try to make as little noise possible. I’m
going to try to be as positive as I can and make the best of everything. I
will be doing my exercise later on today as planned. Not
much more to say today (believe me, it’s been a horrible day) I don’t even
feel like thinking at this point and it’s only 2:00 pm :( I
hope your day is going much better.
August 12 2001 Friday
I went out walking as planned for 2 hours !!!!! Last time I went I took the
bus there and walked back but last friday the sky got very clouded very fast and it looked as if it were
going to pour so I decided to go walking around my home in case it started
raining (that way I could make a run for it) anyway, as it turned out, it
never rained and I ended up walking to my starting point and back ! This is
great, I’m going to do this every friday now until I get used to the
distance. I thought that I would be close to dead on saturday (severe body
pain) but I wasn’t, I was a bit soar but I just took it easy in the morning
and then I did 20 kms. on my bike in the evening. For
some reason I can’t explain I feel “fatter” than I used to, I can’t explain
why. I know I’m losing weight, I can see it in the mirror but I CAN’T FEEL
IT. Well I sometimes can feel it, on certain clothes but my stomach seems to
be getting “bigger”. My husband says that my stomach muscles are getting
stronger and that’s why it seems that my stomach is bigger and that it will go
down when I keep on burning fat. Well I love him dearly for telling me that
and I hope it’s true. One
thing I can say for sure is that I would never trade in the feeling I now
have for myself with the feeling I used to have of myself. It’s funny how as
you learn to love and respect yourself you also learn to appreciate the good
points you do have. Before
I always looked at myself as sort of a failure-loser person, someone that had
no control over anything I never realized that I was dealing extremely well with
organizing my life and acting maturely and responsible, the only things I
noticed were all the bad things, thus promoting a bigger lack of self-esteem
on my behalf. Now I not only see the good things I’m developing but also the
good things that have always been there. I tell you, sometimes we need life
to throw a big rock at our head so that we can pay attention to our life and
value it and live it to the fullest. Have
a good Sunday :)
August 10 2001 I
swear I tried ! I really did. I started doing exercise yesterday but I felt
so uncomfortable that I decided I would just not do it and not worry about
it. Today I’m going to try to make up for what I didn’t do yesterday so I’m
going to walk a little longer than last time. I’m
so positive about this weight loss program, I can really see changes
happening, and it’s the first time that I’ve been aware of my body (this
means taking care of it) and I’m just so proud of myself ! I’m
going for a record by the end of the year, I’m hoping to be down at least 2
sizes by december, that would be so wonderful, weight wise I don’t know,
maybe get down to 72 kilos but 2 sizes is a must. Ok,
I’m getting ready to go for my walk, I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. By
the way, the day is beautiful, no rain forecast for today so it’ll be a
pleasent walk. Have
a great weekend.
August 9 2001 Today
was measurement and weigh in day and guess what ??????? I lost a cm. on every part of my body and a kilo ! I
know that’s not much but for me it’s excellent news because it means I’m off
my plateau ! I’m happy ! It’s
still raining (I love that) and I’m still PMS’ing (I hate that) and a
combination of both today didn’t let me get my lazy butt out of bed and go to
work. So my sweet husband went to work all day today to cover for me, you
gotta love him ! That
in no way means that I’m not doing my exercise today, na ah, I wish I could
go walking instead of biking but the rain will not make that possible (at
least not enjoyable) so I’ll stick to my bike. I
started going through my clothes today, I haven’t thrown any out yet, but I’m
getting a basic idea of what I’m never ever going to wear again and what
things I will keep in hopes of fitting into any time soon. I’m giving myself
until the end of the month to stop being such a sissy and throw away once and
for all the fat clothes. I’ll
probably be stuck with only a few pieces of clothes for a while but I really
see no purpose in going out and spending a fortune on clothes that I’ll grow
out off in a month (ha, more wishfull thinking) that’s me, Mrs. Positive. I’m
not even hungry today, my stomach is very bloated and I just want to go watch
a movie (I should drink a couple of cups of coffee to get ready to exercise).
Ok,
snap out of it, thank god this only lasts 3 days, and day 1 is always the
worst. Yawwnnnnnn............ok,
I’ll let you go........:)
August 8 2001 Yesterday
it rained like it hadn’t rained for a very long time, it was almost
cleansing. Today when I woke up it felt as if everything was clearer as if
all bad things had been washed away and many people I’ve talked to feel the
same way. Maybe it’s got something to do with proportions, knowing where we
really stand on this planet. As
it turned out I ended up doing a lot more exercise than I intended yesterday
because of the rain, you have to remember I live on a coast so we’re used to
getting tropical storms but yesterday, wow, it was incredible, my house was
like a swimming pool. It was funny though because we looked like crazy people
running around the living room-dining room with brooms (no lights, because of
the thunderstorm the power was out) water gushing in through every single
place (doors basically) we had to have the front door open in order to push
the water out so the dogs were also jumping around us, while lighting was
striking all around, and we did this for a good hour or so, we ended up
totally soaked up and when we finally realized what we must look like started
laughing until our stomachs hurt ! Nothing
is ruined, don’t worry, this is totally normal for where I live so we’re
prepared, it’s the price we have to pay for living so close to sea but
believe me it’s well worth it. I’m
in PMS mode and I ate pancakes soaked in syrup this morning, what can I say,
I just had the craving for it so I figured “what the hell” I deserve it
anyway, I’ve been really good. Exercise
is getting funner everyday I really do like this new routine, I feel more
rested and I’m actually sleeping better at night, my elbow is starting to
feel better too, it still hurts a bit and there are certain exercises I can’t
do yet but it’s definatly better. I’m
thinking about going out for walks every morning, is that too much ? I just
have so much energy and feel the need to burn it all off, of course, at night
when the movie I’ve been waiting to see all week comes on all I have to do is
put my head on the pillow and poof I’m gone and yes I wake up as the final
credits are on screen (it makes me wonder where all that energy I feel is :)
) but such is life, makes no sense sometimes but that’s how it is. Sky
is overcast today I’m betting that we’ll have rain tonight again (I hope not
like last night). Have
a fun day :)
August 7 2001 I’ve
started my second week with my new workout and although it still leaves me a
bit soar I can tell it’s working out better than the one I had. Why ? you
might ask, well, for one I don’t feel as exhausted as I was feeling before
and my body is reacting in a different way to this new routine (I can
actually see the muscles being toned up). The
hardest exercise for me are the abdominals, arggg, don’t like them, but I do
them because I need them. My stomach is one of the worst parts of my body (it
seems all the fat went there or at least most of it) and it seems to never
want to go away, I have noticed changes, it has gone down but it seems to be
taking forever. So everyday it’s the same thing I lay on the floor and do a
million abs (or at least it seems like a million). I’m
looking forward to my walk on Friday I can’t believe I never did that before
! Not
much more to say today, eat healthy and do the work !
August 6 2001 Hello
there ! I have to confess that I did NO exercise this weekend, no excuses, I
just didn’t feel up to it after that great walk on Friday and guess what ? I
feel NO guilt ! This is such a big step for me, I’m thrilled. This means that
I’m totally accepting myself as is, without expecting too much or pushing
myself over the limit, I recognize my boundaries and I’m able to live with
them :) Saturday
I just hung out with some friends and watched movies and Sunday I played a
whole lot of Nintendo (yup, I have a big inner child) I was amazingly good
with my food and woke up today feeling very relaxed and full of energy. My
confidence has built up so much since I started working out that yesterday I
proposed to my husband that we should go at least once a week to the beach,
get up early in the morning and just go swimming and take some sun in. This
was a welcome suggestion for my baby because he’s been trying to get me to
the beach forever (I never felt confident of going before this because of my
set of blubber) but now (even if I don’t look so hot yet) I FEEL totally hot
and can deal with using a bathing suit in public. So starting next Monday
we’re going to go play in the beach early in the morning. It
was really a crime considering we live only 2 blocks away from the sea. This
again made me think about all the things we give up for food. Today
I’m doing my routine again and I think tomorrow is weigh in and measurements,
I wonder if there will be any changes, I do feel a “little” lighter, lol,
don’t I wish ! Have
a wonderful week, and keep doing that exercise ! August 4 2001 I
had the funnest time walking yesterday, it was a beautiful day out, there was
a refreshing breeze and of course the lovely sea ! I didn’t feel so tired at first and I actually thought I was
going to be able to go for at least 2 hours but decided against it once I got
to the street that takes me home and am I glad ! When I got home I didn’t get
a chance to relax because there was a friend there waiting for me so we
started talking, and that’s when the pain started setting in, I literally
felt as if I had fallen out of a car, my butt started aching, my arms, my
legs, my back felt as if I had been carrying something extremely heavy around
for a long time. So when night came and my friend left I took a delicious
cold shower and passed out. I woke up today feeling every single muscle in my
body (and yes, they all hurt). I had the best intention of going out for
another walk today (but due to severe body pain I will not push it) and I’ll
just put in some bicycling at home. Wow ! Who would have ever thought that
walking was such a great exercise ? Believe it, this comes from a woman
that’s been cycling and lifting weights for 6 months. I’m
going to keep doing it at least once a week (fridays) and slowly try to work
myself up to doing it on saturdays too, I don’t promise it will be soon after
all I’m still going to be doing my regular workout monday thru thursday. Today
I’ve been totally lazy, just hanging out around the house feeling my body
ache and what a great feeling it is :) Later on today I’ll go rent a couple
of movies and maybe bike for a half an hour, I’m not sure yet, I might just
take the day off because I really feel very tired. Have a great Saturday ! August 3 2001 I’m
totally beat up, every muscle in my body aches terribly but I love it ! It
was like giving my body a shake down (it has been 6 months after all). Today
is my free day and I intend to go out for a long walk by the sea. I’m going
to take the bus to a place about 5 miles away and walk back here (I’m packing
plenty of water, my walkman and a couple of good cd’s) I’m thinking that my
walk will take about 2 hrs. which is about what I would normally do on any
other day and if I don’t feel too tired (which I highly doubt) I’ll do a
little bike riding (about 20 mins.) once I get home. I’m guessing the walk
will be more than enough but I’ll tell you for sure tomorrow. I’m
very anxious about my walk, I feel like a little kid, who would’ve ever
thought that I would get excited from a walk ??????? I
remember a time (it seems so long ago, but it’s not) when I would get that
same feeling of excitement from eating out at my favorite restaurants, who
can forget making plans (way ahead of time) for my birthday dinner or MAKE
special plans to include pizza for supper at least once a week ? Food was so
important to me, almost obssesive. But then the guilt would come, yup, I’d
stuff an entire medium pizza in my face and just be swallowing the last bite
when I was overcome by a horrible guilty feeling, I would think “you stupid,
stupid, bitch, why did you just eat ALL of that ?” I remember feeling bloated
and very uncomfortable because I was so full. Food was my master and my
friend. It’s been 6 months since I decided to stop the crazy roller-coaster
ride, you know the one, binging-starving-binging-starving, and the truth is IT
HASN’T BEEN HARD at all it was a lot harder just sitting on my fat ass and
feeling sorry for myself than it is to get up and move, I respect myself so
much more now and there is no feeling compared to the one I get after I
finish my workout for the day, it’s like I’m shining on the inside because I
feel so proud of myself. He, he, I’m ready to put on my walking shoes ! Have
a fun and healthy weekend :)
August
2 2001 Well,
so far so good, what else could be expected, right ? I mean it’s only been
one day so far :) I don’t know the reason why but this new routine is kicking
my butt, I’m doing exactly the same exercises I’ve been doing since March
except now I concentrate one day on arm and the next on leg, and let me tell
you that my body hurts as if it were the first time it ever did exercise. I
sometimes get a feeling of utter desperation deep inside, sounds kind of
tetric doesn’t it ? But it’s true, I hate waiting for things to happen but
who am I kidding ? How long did it take to reach this absurd weight ? 1 year,
2 perhaps, nooooooo, 12 long years so why would I even think that one year or
less would change everything ? Ok,
getting that off my chest I’m ready to move on. I
have these neighbors that are just such unhappy people, you can see their
suffering by the look on their faces, they’re a couple and she’s the kind of
person that actually resents any positive things that happen to anybody but
herself. I don’t know if you’ve ever met anyone like this but it’s really
difficult to live near people like this. Although my husband and I tend to
keep to ourselfs (we’re very private people) we still get the dirty looks and
it’s gotten to the point where we say a neighborly “Hello, good morning” or
whatever and we get NO answer ! That is just so rude and it pisses me off.
What is wrong with these people ? My husband is a simple man, he says, just
ignore them they’re not important but to me it’s a big deal, I’m one of those
people that has to feel “accepted” and the fact that these individuals are
making dumb faces at me really freaks me out. Wow, how we can learn so much
about ourselfs from stupid little things, I just hit the spot, the need to
feel accepted. There’s something to work on. I have to stop looking for
acceptance from people and start accepting myself as I am. I’ve
been real good with my food today, it’s going to be a good month.
August
1st 2001 (sorry,
it’s a long one) Why
am I not surprised ? Actually I think I did really good, considering that
last month I hardly did any exercise, plus I ate like mad. I can see some
tiny changes on my “back” pictures, it looks like it’s shaping up. This
is such a motivation, I really didn’t expect this to happen this month I
thought I would look heavier (because I really was bad in july) but I guess
my body is already on a roll I just have to keep it going. My
measurements where actually dissapointing (a little bit) because I’m stuck, not
forward not backward just “there”. Anyway
my promise to myself this month is DO THE EXERCISE as programmed, NO EXCUSES,
JUST DO IT. I sound like a commercial, lol, but I want to see some major
changes for my next set of pictures. The
black thing by my feet on this new set of pictures is my cat, he also remains annonymous (as you
can tell by him hiding his face behind my legs and just showing his body) and
he also needs to go on a diet (he’s a very big black cat) but I can’t seem to
convince him of getting off his fury butt, he just smugly lies on the bed and
looks at me while I’m peddaling away like a mad woman. I guess that’s what I
love about cats :) I
have a feeling deep inside that this month is going to be extra special in my
weight loss journey because in August it’ll be 6 months since I started
working out and I feel like this is the month when it’s really going to start
to show. Somebody
sent me an e-mail telling me how positive it would be for me if I went on a
diet (along with the exercises) I appreciate your comments but I’ll be
totally honest with you, I WILL NEVER DIET AGAIN, I’ve done it, it has never
worked, I always end up gaining more weight than what I lost, I feel like
crap and I just will not treat my body like that. Dieting to me is equal to
punishing your body, don’t eat this, or that, or that, I believe that we need
all sorts of food to maintain our bodily functions and when we deprive our
body of certain foods everything starts messing up, in my mind it’s all about
control, control the amounts of the food you eat. You can have everything as
long as you do it in a moderate and responsible way. Think
about what your putting into your mouth and why and not just automatically
stuff yourself to death. Again, it’s not about punishing your body, it’s
about educating yourself and changing your habits which is usually a lot
harder than dieting because you only diet for a certain amount of time while
a change in your habits and lifestyle is forever. The
trick is EXERCISE, nothing more, nothing less. I probably will take a little
longer losing weight but it’s not a race, I took many years to get to this
point, and I know that if I want this
to be for good I have to take the long road, no short cuts or fast
fixes. When
you exercise your appetite is altered, you’re not as hungry anymore, you
crave for different types of food, you feel full of energy. Eat responsibly
and make exercise a part of you new life, no diets are needed. Have a
wonderful August !
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