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September 30 2001 September
has come to an end. This month has left a feeling in me of disbelief, as if I
could maybe wake up tomorrow and realize that all of this really didn’t
happen. It seems as if everyday the load we carry were getting heavier and
heavier, and as if it were harder to find reasons to smile, innocense lost. I
don’t mean to sound down or depressed I just feel so much older today than I
did September 1st. I was so motivated when this month first
started and now I feel so tired. I’m glad this month is over and I hope and
pray that October will be better, we all need motivation to keep going. On
the weight loss front I’m doing ok, I won’t know until next week if I had a
loss or not, I feel pretty much the same, I’m working out and some days are
better than others in that area, sometimes I feel like I could just keep
exercising forever and sometimes I don’t even want to get on my bike. Today
I’m going to look through the internet to try and find some good stretching
exercises, I feel very tense and my muscles feel hard, stretching them would
really help me relax them. I’m
going to try and find some new workout activities, maybe buy some videotapes
with workouts or find different activities over the web. Well,
have a good weekend and let’s hope October is a more positive month for us
all.
September 27 2001 Well,
after doing all the math yesterday it seems that this month isn’t going to be
so bad after all, all expenses seem to be covered and we should have no late
payments so we’re cool. Yesterday I was a total nervous wreck trying to
figure out our financial standing, a few months ago I would have eaten myself
to death worrying and then I’d end up feeling guilty. I
was looking at my stomach this morning in the mirror and now I can clearly
see my abs outlined, it’s great. I’ve been feeling lazy about working out,
yesterday I had to summon all of my willpower just to start exercising, once
I’m started nothing can stop me but the problem is getting started. I’m pretty
sure that is has to do with my being sick, my energy level is kind of low but
all in all I’m still doing my very best. It’s
amazing to see results, there’s nothing I can say that describes the feeling
I get when I see my legs and notice how toned they look, or seeing my kneck
get thinner or my arms. I just wish I had done it sooner. It’s
a rainy day today and I can feel a lazy attack coming on but NO, I will
workout! Have
a great day.
September 26 2001 Today
I’m as busy as can be because I’m totally restructuring my bills (yeah,
sounds like fun, huh ?) just doing some debt consolidation and evil stuff
like that. I’ve
kept on working out and I’m still keeping an eye out for fatty foods (in a
good way I mean), I’m actually surprised at my capability of control (this is
totally new to me). Well,
I’m keeping it short because I have to get my nose back in the books. Have
a great day !
September 25 2001 For
some reason I’ve been feeling like everything will be good from now on. I
can’t explain why, I just feel it. Yesterday
I talked about controlling what I eat and today I have a progress report :)
I’ve been extremely good with my eating these past 2 days and I’m feeling
GOOD. Even though I still have a cold I feel energized. Last
night I spent a good deal of time thinking about the food control issue, how
long would I have to do it ? When could I become a normal “skinny” person and
eat whatever I want ? When would I stop worrying about food ? The answer I
came up with is NEVER. First of all I started by accepting that I’m not a
“normal” person, I have a problem with food and I will always have to be
cautious, I may learn to live with total control over my problem but I know I
will always be in danger of returning to my old habits. This could sound
discouraging to some of you, we all wish we could lose the weight and then be
a regular “never had a problem with food” kind of person. But we’re not. And
that’s the only thruth there is, no matter where you look at it from. I
have a problem and I’m dealing with it which makes me extra special (at least
in my mind :) ) but that doesn’t get me off the hook. The
rest of my life will be a healing and learning process because that’s what I
choose to do. And now that I’ve gotten so far I know that I never want to go
back to that other me. Every
cm. that I lose gets me closer to the real me, the me that’s not afraid or
ashamed, the strong me, the me I love and want to be.
September 24 2001 Well,
I can say that today I’m in a more calm, cool and collected state of mind. I
still have a little cold but it shouldn’t interfere with my exercise tonight. So
I feel I’ve slacked off a bit on my weight loss, been to relaxed about a lot
of things and allowed myself to eat foods I normally wouldn’t eat (this is
what emotional eating is all about). You feel justified in some way because
of certain events to eat the house down and that takes you into a never
ending turnmoil. So
today I’ve decided to get back in line, I really have maintained my weight
which is more than I would hope for but I know I can do so much better than
this. So now I’m including into my everyday an eating program. Not a diet, a
program, which basically consists of just watching what I eat so that the
next time I want to eat a fatty, greasy treat my alerts will sound off and
I’ll hopefully close my mouth before the fatty food reaches it. On
the exercise front I’m feeling very proud of myself because I know I’ve been
really good there. This is actually the longest I’ve ever lasted working out,
ever. All
is good as long as I’m trying to make things better. I
hope you all have an amazing week !
September 23 2001 Why
must something always happen that changes all your plans ? It’s Murphy’s Law,
I know, the one that says that if there’s even a remote chance of something
going wrong it will. Here I was having a perfect week, really motivated,
working out beautifully, and BAM! I get a cold. But not just any cold, it’s
the cold from hell, my body doesn’t really hurt, I don’t have THAT much
fever, my nose isn’t dripping a lot, it’s just that I CAN’T BREATHE. This
said you understand why I couldn’t workout on friday, saturday and probably
today. But,
I guess there’s a purpose to this (yeah, totally frustrating me) and I’ll sit
quietly and deal with it. Tomorrow
I don’t care if my lungs fall off, I’m not missing any more workouts, so
there. I’m
going to be surfing the net today looking for some good healthy recipes. I’m
not really big on cooking but I think I just my start to like it. I’m
going to start with salads, I love those. If i find any cool sites I’ll post
them here. Well,
have a good day all.
September 21 2001 I’m
sick. Yes, that was what that kneck pain the other day was all about, my
throught feels horrible and I’ve got that “feeling” all over my body, like
chills and the sort. I’m still going to workout today, no matter what, I’m
going for a perfect week ! Yesterday
as I was biking away I started to feel a bit dizzy, all I did was take a
small break and then get right back on and finish my 20 kms., it must have
something to do with my being sick. Oh, and by the way, my measurements for
this week are here, hmmmm....don’t know what to say, I’m up again in
weight, lost a cm. on my chest, gained a cm. on my arm and stayed the same
everywhere else. I must be looking weirder and weirder everyday :) SO,
right now I’m going home take some medicine a tea and a nap (I really feel
shitty) and that way I’ll feel all good and better this afternoon to workout. Have
a great weekend and keep exercising :)
September 20 2001 Guilt
is one of the issues I have to deal with. I’ve always had feelings of guilt,
even for the stupidist things, and this guilt has cornered me into being an
unsecure person. I can’t be held responsible for everything everybody does
and I have to realize that I’m allowed to committ mistakes also. I’m
a very emotional person, things can easily influence my state of well being
so when I “freak out” I end up feeling guilty afterwards. I know I shouldn’t
but it’s easier said than done. Why
do I talk about guilt you might ask. Well because I’m going to have to deal
with this emotion if I ever plan or intend to be in total control of myself. Many
times I have turned around and just ignored the feeling, prefering not to
deal with it, but not anymore. I have to overcome this and move on. I’m only
a human and I’m allowed to make mistakes. The
strenght within, that’s what I’m aiming for, I need to reach into myself and
value and accept myself as I am. On
the exercise front I’ve been really good, haven’t missed a day of working out
and I’m on a roll (I think). I want
something in my life to change, I can’t put a finger on what I mean but I
know I need a change. I’m going to look closely into my situation and figure
out what it is I need and want, it could be as easy as just changing my
living environment. Today
is weigh in and measurement, I don’t know what to expect today. I’m hoping I
will have lost some weight and cms. but I won’t get my hopes up too high. Good
luck today :)
September 19 2001 I
was wondering how far I’ve peddaled away on my bike since I started working
out so I added up all the kms. I’ve registered and as it turns out from March
26 2001 to September 18 2001 I’ve peddaled 2079.99 kms. or 803 miles. Wow !
I’ll have to look on a map to see how far I would have gotten :) My
kneck is very soar, I do some exercises I got off the net that use a little
aerobic ball, I’ve been doing them since the beginning and I had never been
as soar as I am today, either that or my husband tried choking me last night
in my sleep. I
might not do those tonight, I feel my kneck really tense and I don’t want to
risk spraining it or something. Tomorrow
is weigh in and measurements, I’m worried on what this week will report, last
week I had a loss, 1 kg. or 2 lbs. but since my eating was so strange these
past days I’m worried there might be a gain again * sigh * Well,
let’s hope not. I feel generally good except for my kneck which is by the way
giving me a slight headache (as if my skull were hurting or something)
strange I tell you. I don’t want to take a pill but if it continues I’ll have
to. Have
a good day and don’t forget to be the best that you can be today.
September 18 2001 I
worked out yesterday and felt good all over :) How great it is indeed to do
exercise. My appetite is slowly getting back to normal and I’m guessing it my
double up because I did eat a lot less most of last week. I’ll try to control
the desire and urges to eat unhealthy fatty foods. I’ve
been very busy all day today, washing clothes (bla) and just general cleaning
stuff. I’ve also had the news on all day and I seem to get the feeling that
slowly but surely everything is getting back to normal (or at least as normal
as it can get). I’m also trying to observe that attitude, business as usual
and it does make you feel much better, it takes your mind off things. Not
much more today. Have
a good day.
September 17 2001 Well
I didn’t exercise yesterday and I do miss it very much. I hope this week I
can get right back on track with my workouts. I can’t describe in words how good
working out makes me feel. It’s like a natural high. My mood is always good
and my energy levels are amazing. My
eating was sort of strange this past week (no, not overeating) actually a
couple of days I hardly had any appetite at all so I didn’t eat much at all.
On tuesday and wednesday I didn’t eat breakfast and I ate very little for
dinner, the outcome to this ? Well now I’m sick as a dog to my stomach, you
can imagine what all the nervousness and lack of food did to my stomach.
Today I got up and after taking a shower I had breakfast, I still haven’t
recovered my appetite, I still feel as if I had a lump in my trought that
won’t let the food go down but I made myself eat so that my body gets into
mode again. I’m
looking forward to normal life again :) Have
a good week.
September 16 2001 I
slacked off a bit on my exercise this week because I felt physically weak due
to the horrible incidents that happened. But life must go on and I plan to
resume right were I left off. I’m very surprised at my reaction, any other
time I would have gone into “emotional eating” mode but not this time. I
think I handled myself pretty good. I
cut off walking completely and I started to lose again, so I guess my theory
was not so far fetched. Once I lose all the weight I want to and I start
“maintaining” I will resume my walks because I really did enjoy them a lot. I’m
toning up a lot, I can see my leg and arm muscles outlined, it’s so cool :) I’m
going to try and workout today in the afternoon, I usually don’t on sunday
but considering that I missed my workouts this past week I’ll try to do
something today. I don’t promise anything, it depends how I feel later on. Well,
not much more to say. I feel so lame talking and thinking about my weight
loss when such hurt is happening in the world. I have to go on though. Have
a good sunday.
September 15 2001 I’m
so mad still. It seems unreal. What will happen to our beloved world after
this? We
have to move on and be strong, that’s all I can think of in this terrible
moment. We have to keep our heads up and our convictions strong and try to
make the best of everything as we walk this road. If
nothing else, I believe this situation has taught us a valuable lesson, DON’T
WASTE YOUR LIFE AWAY. Get up and do something, change, be in perpetual
motion. Put perspective into your life and value it and live it to the
fullest. Not as a spectator but as an active participant. There
is nothing as bad as it seems, never, we can overcome our fears, our lack of
character and even our lack of motivation. See each day as it is, an
opportunity to do the best you can, to live to the fullest of your capacity
to feel part of something bigger and greater than our little personal world. Don’t
waste away. On
my behalf all I have to say is I HEAR THE MESSAGE, LOUD AND CLEAR, I’m moving
on with more solid steps towards my future, whatever it may have in store for
me and my loved ones. I’m going to overcome every single one of my issues and
I’ll be triumphant in the end because now I know I have the drive to do so. I
have a weight loss
to report. One more little brick on my wall. One step forward, in my dirty
little battle.
September 14 2001 I
am speechless ! I couldn’t bring myself to my web page. I’m so sad and angry
for all the people that were affected by this terrible WTC tragedy. I still
can’t believe it’s true, I’m hoping that from one moment to the next I’ll
suddenly wake up and realize it was just a bad dream. I have been so
depressed for the past days that I totally put off all my “normal life”
activities, I haven’t been able to get myself away from the TV. I’m not only
sorry about those poor innocent people that were in the Towers and their
families but I’m also worried about what this could all mean for the rest of
the world. I’m angry and I want justice to be done but I also fear the
outcome of this whole nightmare. I
send all my prayers to every person that was affected by this tragedy.
September 10 2001 I’ve
noticed that every time I miss a day of exercise I always seem to get moody
or nervous, must be the endorphines (or lack of). I’m
not going to go into it today because I do feel a little on the downside so
I’m just going to leave it at that. I
hope you all have a much happier day today and I’ll check back tomorrow.
September 9 2001 First
of all let me thank all you beautiful people out in cyberspace for explaining
to me why I’m gaining weight and losing sizes. Apparently all of you seem to
agree that muscles increase their weight as they get fitter and thats good
because that means my metabolism is speeding up, muscles burn more calories
thus losing fat ! Did I get it right ? :) Well, it sure does sound great ! Yesterday
I did no exercise and you can’t imagine how unhappy that made me but I felt
really lousy, me period started and the first day always kicks the crap out
of me. I’m going to take it easy today also and resume my routine tomorrow. I’m
letting my hair grow. What relevance could this have with my weight loss, you
mght ask, well, for the past 5 years or so I’ve had my hair really short (I
mean really, really short) because it was just to much of a hassel, my hair
is curly and I live by the coast, the humidity, the weather in general makes
my hair extra curly so to have nice looking hair I have to apply all sorts of
treatments and conditioners and it wa something I just didn’t want to spend
any time on in the past. Now things are totally different. I’m doing all of
that and more and the results are starting to show. The point here is very
clear, now I have time for myself. I was always second before, no, I’m to
busy in the morning to have long hair, no, I don’t have time for exercise,
no, just buy a hamburger and fries it’s quicker. Sound familiar ? I was a
victim of myself, of my own laziness and my own excuses, because I believed
them. Not anymore. I’m shedding this skin and I feel positive and happy. Have
a healthy and relaxed sunday :)
September 7 2001 I
have been so good with my exercise this week. Yesterday was the first
thursday in a long time that I exercised, there always was some kind of
excuse, but not yesterday :) I had gotten into a “confort zone” horrible
little place where you feel you’ve accomplished your goal to some extent and
then slack off on the effort you put into what you do. I guess it’s like a
cycle, there are times when you feel nothing can stop you from your dream and
then there are times where you feel nothing can get you out of bed. Why
are we so complex ? Some of us love to belittle ourselfs, why ? I’ve
been studying the skin on my tummy closely, you can see the outline of my abs
now, not perfectly but there’s a hint of something going on. My stomach is
getting tighter little by little (due to the fact that I scaled up my ab
exercises) but there is still fat on my tummy too but it’s strange because
you can feel spots where there’s holes (where fat used to be). Also
my legs are going through stretch mark hell, I really had no idea how big I
had gotten, looking at my skin now I can totally tell. That’s ok though,
they’re like scars of war, they’re marks that prove that a battle is being
fought and by the looks of it I’m winning, plus if I ever feel like letting myself
go to that extreme again all I have to do is look at my legs and remember. Have
a beautiful weekend.
September 6 2001 Yesterday
I tried to donate blood, I got up real early in the morning and was ready to
go. They put me in a small room and said to wait a couple of minutes, when
the nurse finally came to start the whole process she took my arm, put a
rubber band around it and waited for my vein to pop up, it never did. So then
she tells me “I’m sorry, you can’t donate, your vein is to small and it could
break when we insert the needle in it”, that’s all it took for me to be OUT
OF THERE ! So what’s up with that ? Is that normal ? For a minute there I was
feeling a little bit like ET. So I come home feeling all unworthy and
thinkning, hmmmm...... what does this all mean ? First off I can’t donate
blood, can I receive it if I had to ? Does this mean I’ll have circulation
problems in the future ? Am I a vampire ? Am I from this planet ? By
mid afternoon I had decided that all of the above where dumb and that I was
just plain weird. Weird
or not I got on my bike and did my workout, I could feel my heart pumping,
that proves I have blood moving through my body :) I’m
soar all over again, specially my arms. I
intend to workout today, tomorrow and staurday, then I’ll be back in my old
pace working out 6 times a week. Well,
that’s all for today. Have
fun :)
September 3 2001 My
measurements and weight for this week are the weirdest yet. How is it possible to be
reducing sizes and gaining weight ? I just don’t understand. For the past 2
weeks I’ve gained 2 lbs. but lost around 3 cms. all around. Is this normal ? My
legs and arms are starting to look very toned up and I do feel all the fat
around my stomach and waist melting away, if that’s the tendency fine, as
long as I get smaller I don’t care how much I weigh. I’m
happy to say that I feel content with my exercise plan, it still kicks my
butt, I’m still soar the next day and that’s good. I
have to be honest, this hasn’t been a walk in the park, sure it would be so
much nicer to just eat anything I want and never have to exercise, but then
again, would it really be better ? I don’t think so. Learning to love my
image in the mirror is better, feeling good is better, knowing I’m capable of
change, even if that change is the toughest thing I’ve ever done. Why
waste ourselves away ? I really DON’T want that cookie that much, I much more
rather see the muscles in my arms outlined, or fit in those jeans, or feel in
control. Yes, I prefer that much more. Have
a fun day.
September 2 2001 My
stomach feels very “iffy” today. Last night my husband and I had some beer (I
have to stop that) because alcohol and weight loss simply don’t go along.
Specially beer. I’m probably going to go home early so that I’ll be ready for
my workout later on this afternoon. I
feel so crummy that I can’t even think what to say here so I’ll just let it
be. Have
a good Monday.
September 2 2001 Ah!
Good old September at last.I really felt like August would never be over.
Well, first things first I guess, here are my pictures
for this month.I really don’t see a big difference but then again I don’t
look bigger either, so that’s good :) I’m
sorry I didn’t write those last 2 days of August but we had a new piece of
equipment attached to our pc so it was basically out of order. I’ve
been giving this weight loss story much thought these past days, I really am
happy that I’ve lost weight and I really am depressed that I seem to be
“stuck”. I’m not complaining, I know I’m lucky
to be able to exercise and I know that I’m specially lucky to have been able
to “KNOW” when I needed to stop with the cycle and start losing weight. If I
hadn’t stopped when I did I could have easily gone all the way up to 350 lbs.
in the blink of an eye, I know it. I was very close to 200 lbs. as it was. So
no, it’s not complaining, it’s just wishing that things could go faster :) I’ve decided to stop walking this
month to try and prove a point, I think walking is a great exercise except is
not really big on “burning calories” (I may be wrong, I’m just talking out of
my own personal experience) so I think that last month I got “stuck” because
I was actually burning less through calories, this month I’m going back to
biking everyday combined with weights and we’ll see what happens. If I’m
correct there will be an important loss and then I’ll be too happy. Have a beautiful september, it’s time
you start making resolutions to look like a knockout in Christmas :)
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