daily

Daily Journal

October 5, 2003- Sigh...no more analyzing...no more pretending...this is my place to come and be myself. Good-bye facade of intelgence...normalacy...I hate being normal. It really isnt good enough! People fail to understand that...and its ok, they wont, they are normal. This is my place to come and say what I think...how I feel. Eventually I will record my weight, right now it is too high...i am to ashamed of the number. So once I am happier, then I will, not now.
I love somebody, so much! And it doesnt matter because they dont love me back, they cannot. I try so hard to be somebody they would love...I try to fit into their standards...they seem to be so "good" and I want that...for myself, from them. I wish I didnt love them...I dont deserve to. I wish I was happy to be on the outside of this...but I am stuck within my emotion. I am sorry I feel this way...to them and to myself. I am sorry!

October 6, 2003- I asked Philip last night why he slept with me. "Because I wanted to." Secretly I'd hoped for some reason like because I love you and you're beautiful...but I knew otherwise. I know I am fat. I cant stand looking at myself...touching any part of myself, being myself! I want to seperate these two--cut myself away. I feel Like I have lost it. Alone and empty but full-- and fat! I have succome to my fat! I want people too look at me and see my pain. See beyond my fat-- get rid of my fat. let people see me and my pain, currently hidden. Therefore I cut...that is real and that is pain.

October 7, 2003- Golf is over tomorrow!!! And band is almost over...woo hoo, I am happy. I am so tired of all of this, my body is worn out. I feel bad for it...i abuse my body a lot. It takes a lot of crap from me. :( Sorry self. Why do I feel like I deserve this hurt...I feel worthless...why shouldnt I. What have I done worthwhile? I golf...haha doesnt count. I am mean...horrible...ugly and fat. Gee what a great combo.
Good note...Golf practice was fun today! Kelsey and I teed off at the same time...we laughed...HARD! She makes it more fun. Other people just get on my nerves...why am I so mean?

October 8, 2003- GOLF IS OVER!!! GOLF IS OVER!!! And I am happy. We lost, dead last of course but hey...no more...ever! :) Now I can finally fast without worring about passing out on the course...cause that would suck a lot. But no more and I am soooo happy. That means no more group meals and no more missing all my classes. *Does a little dance* but I still have homework...ick. And my mom wont stop talking to me about nothing. I love her but really she talks and talks about frivolous things just to talk. I cant wait to get out of here...I think I am running from my problems but I dont care, I'll run far far far away. BYE BYE MACOMB!!!!!

October 10, 2003- No more football games...no more!!!Woo hoo I am so excited. I saw someone today...she looked small. It was scary, I am worried...I dont worry about myself, but other people. I dont want to worry about myself, it makes it realer...ick! I am tired of this...life if you want to call it that...Soon i will be 18. that is fun

October 15, 2003- I just got back from Nebraska. It was soooo great. I think I am going there in Jan. I am going to graduate early..woo hoo! I am so excited...finally freedom. Away from so much, mostly my past and stupid people who think that is who I am. Its not, I promise! I am beyond that...I only worry about my ED out there...recovery is possible, hopefully. People are shocked...really I am too, though. I cant believe I have 40 some days of highschool left and then I am done! On my own...woo hoo. No parents to argue with, all the time...just me and God and some books...ehh ok so yea it is still school but not HIGHSCHOOL!!!!!

October 27, 2003- I have been meaning to post for awhile but I have been so busy! I was in texas for the week and then I was on a retreat and now its my birthday!!! The retreat went well...it was about trust. Good timing i lost a lot of trust in people...things have happened that make me question the basis of most of what i think...that is a good thing because now i know what i stand for. Now I just need to stand! So about the whole Why did philip sleep with me...yea um, cause he is addicted to sex! OH GOOD. And I am not the only one...i guess its ok, but damn it sucks. He lied to me...but I still care about him a lot. He will always be a part of me, i wonder if he feels the same? Um, he did say this that he wanted to the first time we went out and regretted that we didnt...maybe thats a good thing? Anyways...i am going out to York again next weekend. I get to see A-------...I will post a pic of him soon...damn it i like him so much. I cannot even discribe the feeling...he is so easy to talk to...so open and goofy. DERN it...:( He wont ever like me so its pointless but, I cant help how I feel...can I? Do i want to change it? not really...so it is ok. Happy birthday to ME!!!!

November 13, 2003- Been awhile again...I decided to disapear from the world. So now, i am back, for awhile at least. Ok, so new drama, the guy I talk about...he likes someone else. Its ok, but it sucks a lot. I cant tell him...ever, because i cut because of it. So i am sure that would make him feel bad. I need to get over him...because it is futile. And I dont want to bother him with me. I cut last night...like i said above...I feel bad about it...I think. I know I told Silas I do, but do I really? Or is it because i hurt people, not myself? I dont know...I hope this works out.

November 15, 2003- Last night was so much fun! I went bowling with Justin. I got a 172, which is pretty good for me. I dont know how I feel about him, now I think I like him but it doesnt really matter. We will only be friends,and I leave in two months anyways. I am still stuck in this "space" where nothing feels quite right. I am not depressed but I am. I dont know why I feel so horrible because it seems like everthing is going great, and at times it is but i cannot get out of this. I dont know...honestly, I QUIT!

November 21, 2003- Well, I am going to Nebraska this weekend and of course I am excited. I dont have much to say...nothing much is happeneing. I am really really tired and i have to get up early in the morning. ICK. But on a good note, i am getting my sr. pictures back soon, so that is clearly neato. Um, I have less than amonth of school left, that is also great. Then i leave for York, were I am sure I will get sick because i can. That is what it is all about, because I can. And most people see that as bad, but I am okay with it. Oh, well...I will resolve to stay alive and then it will be ok.

November 23, 2003- I got back from Nebraska and it was great. I hung out with Silas, of course and Nick and Shawn. I DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON. ICK. I know I like A------, but now I am not so sure about B------, something I never thought would happen...he is such a great guy but I cant like him...and A-----, gee this is bad. Oh, well I am sure it will turn out okay. I really had a good time, which was a relief. I havent had a lot of fun just hanging out but I did. I felt included for once. I cant wait to go out there now esp. Less than 2 months! woo hoo. Well....i am happy!!!

November 27, 2003- Happy Thanksgiving. I am sitting here alone drinking fat free hot cocoa, throughly enjoying myself. I worked at a free thanksgiving dinner for poor, disabled, or elderly (mostly) this morning while my family went out of town. Last night I went bowling, then I saw Eric...he has a girlfriend now, so that is 110% over. Good i guess...then I went to steves and saw Jeron for the first time since Brians Funeral, I think. Its been awhile and it was nice to see him, but odd. We are both so different...he lives for alchohol and weed...and i live for what? Food and *him* not meaning jeron but oh well. Justin is worried about hurting me...and that would make him different how? Anyways I think it's pretty safe...I am not letting myself get attached to anyone right now. I cant wait to leave!