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December 5, 2003-  Well, eek I thought things were over with Eric a long time ago, but seems like i was wrong.  And I thought he had a girlfriend,a gain i dont know!  Anyways, Two weeks of school left, and I am greatly pleased.  Today in american lit some guys gave the teacher a leg, that is all i need to say on that subject, but gee A leg???  I have two papers and 4 speachs to do, but gee, I dont want to.  I have been trying to get a hold of silas lately, I feel like I am going nuts.  Well, yes I am but its getting worse.  Fasting purging...binging all of that crap.   I JUST WANT TO HEAL.  goodness

December 8, 2003-  TOO MUCH drama...come on people, you say its not about me and the only reason you are angry is becasue of me.  So then what is it about?  ERG, I just wish people let me handle things, i am a big girl I promise.  So the whole story?  Saturday night, got a little drunk, smart.  My friend ditched me...great eh...except not.  And I dont know, I am just angry. (there is so much more to it than that but i will end it there)  If I had a sharp object I probably would have killed myself last night.  But I called Silas instead. So here I am still...you're stuck with me.

December 11, 2003-  Today was ungood.  1) Chuck is dying...why do people die...honestly I knwo why but not at 16.  2) Much less signifigant, Silas has a girlfriend.  I dont know.  Can i vanish?  I cant talk to Silas about it all...cause of course I want to cut...and yea...you understand.

December 15, 2003-  Well, i went to Chucks Funeral.  No matter what anyone says 16 is entirely too young.  Life is still moving on.  My last day of high school is tomorrow, and thats it.  I am done...really, am I ready for this?  I have to be.  I have been writing a ton of poetry...so see my peotry page...i posted two.  Um...what else, Ate dinner last night W/ my ap euro class, it was alright.  Minus all the: what do you eat? type things.  GRR on people.  This year has gone by so quickly.  I cant believe it...where did the time go?

December 16, 2003-  I AM DONE, done I tell ya! :)  I am also happy.  It was so nice today. I walked out with Arun, he one of the few people here I care about so it was nice to be with him.  Why?  WHy do I care so much...I am going to miss him...a lot.  I wish we had gotten closer say last year...we have always been somewhat close...he is definately the person I turn to Like with scholastic bowl.  Knowing I could sit with him...or he'd make me feel welcome, it was nice.  I really doubt this makes sense...Just I care about his friendship more than He knows...That is all.  Well NO i lied...he helped me sunday night too...but he makes me eat... :S I dont know about that one.  I guess its good...he thinks so.

December 18, 2003-  So so so...I added some pictures.  Fun stuff eh?  I took an english final today.  It was alright...I dont really care.  I have been sick...so that only fuels my lack of caring.  I ended up going to sleep last night at 7:20 or so.  I havent done that in a long time.  Tomorrow, I get a picture of me from the first day of school freshman year... I will try and put it  up...should be interesting.  :)  Anyways...not to much else is going on.  Lots of sleep and being sick.  I am sure that is great, huh?  I need to add my new poem...dont let me forget.  I meant to show silas but I havent yet.  I will try and email it to him...he went home today...less chance to talk to him...Good thing I hope.  Next time I see him I will be there. I am excited!!! :)

December 19, 2003-  I dont know if I should cry or be happy.  I am done completely with school..but more confused than ever.  And I dont know if he will read this...but he knows...I know...Just so you know...I dont regret this...liking you.  I really hope you are happy...stop worring so much about me.  I am fine.  I will be just fine!  I care about you so much, you have no idea.  I wish I could pursuade you to be with me...love me.  I need someone to love me...for who i am.  That is why I care.  I am sorry for causing pain for you.  Please forgive me.  Good luck.  :)

December 22, 2003-  Well, I guess my last post was answered.  Thank you...I wish that things would/could work out as I'd like.  But you know...time goes on and things change.  You reply made me so happy...not confused, happy.   happy that it is possible...to love me.  Thank you! I am sorry that I got so angry today...those people will never read this, so yes I should have been angry but I hate feeling that way.  So I am sorry.  Please just let me be.  Let me change as I need...and please stop comparing me to others...I am myself~! I wish Time would allow me to disappear.

December 23, 2003-  Still watching American History X- time number 3.  It makes me feel...I am tired of not really feeling.  I should be angry, and i am not...I should be happy and i am not!  It is annoying.  I really want to make this work...do you?  Can you?  I dont know..but I want to try.  You never know what can happen.  I am worried that I wont ever find someone who respects me...and loves me, like you do.

January 2, 2004- Happy New Year!  I have been trying to update but it wont work on my computer at home.  I am leaving soon for York...its excting...scary.  I went to Youth In Action.  It was great!  I had so much fun...grew a lot...things are changing I really hope that i can continue to change.  Christmas was nice...Family stuff.  Um...I am really frustrated with Tony.  He is going to York...I dont know why.  I dont want him to go...at all.  I wish he wouldnt...I dont know how long he will last though.  SHH dont tell him that.  Anyways...Thats about it...:S

January 3, 2004- I like someone...He knows it...Huh Jared?  Right...thats what I thought.  I told my mom a little about this person...she laghed at me cause i got all girly about it.  Well...Idontknow...Your name makes me think of the Crucible.  :) Anyways...Sorry this was all for proving some sort of point.  I need to start sewing soon...I have been putting it off for awhile...I am sitting at my dad's store watching TV and eating Ritz crackers trust me its fun.

January 4, 2004- I slept all day...thats about it.  It was my last sunday in Church.  I am going to miss the people there so much!  I also went out to eat wih Philip and Travis.  Phils car is currently stranded because he doesnt have anti-freeze and the window kept icing over.  Silly boy.  Anyways...I am leaving soon this is my last week.  I cant believe it...where did the time go?  I dont know...right now I want to stay...but I know I have to go for my sake.  I know it will work out okay.  So about this person I like...so confusing...I dont know.  I just wish things were simple...maybe they will be at ACU...we'll see.  Oh...I also slept all day...yay for naps.  :)

January 6,2004-  Today was my last day of work.  Isnt that exciting.  Except everything is too confusing...I wish I knew what to say to make you stay.  Change your mind...realize that nothing is impossible.  Or convince you it will work.  But none of this is up to me any more...I wish I had more control.  I was talking to someone today...I think my ED is for control.  I hate that i cant control things...I can control how much I eat tho.  I can control how I look...maybe...but that is bullshit because I dont have control anymore...I lost it...now what?

January 11,2004- I moved in and am getting ready to start classes tomrrow.  Things are going really well.  Ok...i got distracted...its now the morning.  Anyways...I have class in about 20 min.  Hopefully this will go well...:)  So far it has...getting along with people...esp the roommate...that is deffinatly good.  Nothing too exciting has happened...my parents left...dont miss them yet...but eh, I am sure I will.  anyways time for class.

January22, 2004-  Been busy or just plain didnt care.  Classes are classes and last I checked I was still sick.  Things dont change no matter where you live, it seems.  But I wont give up. People wont let me...and I have too much to live for.  Love...new beginings...chances and friends.  I dont know where this will all lead...but ah HOPE.  :)

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