Interview with a Hobbit Trainer

<Interviewer>  So, how do you feel about PETH?

<Kari>  ::narrows eyes:: Personally I feel they are wasting their time, but on a professional level, I think they are entitled to their own... business ::mutters:: no matter how idiotic

<Interviewer>  ::nods:: I see.. and how do you feel about their campaign to shut down businesses such as yours?

<Kari>  ::pulls out her whip and smiles deviously:: I say 'bring it on' They won't know what hit them

<Interviewer>  I see you carry a whip.. would you like to comment on your training techniques?

<Kari>  ::clears her throat and smiles:: Well, a good trainer such as myself would never dare give out her secrets but I can tell you this.. I have other ...'organic' methods to help get the hobbits to obey me

<Interviewer>  Is that a reference to carrots?

<Kari>  ::smiles and nods:: Indeed

<Interviewer>  And Hobbits like carrots, or do they fear them?

<Kari>  Actually it depends on each individual hobbit. Some do and some don't, but I do try to get them to understand that they shouldn't be afraid of carrots

<Interviewer>  Oh, really? I always thought carrots were rather frightening..

<Kari>  Is that so? ::cracks whip:: I can rid you of that fear ::smiles::

<Interviewer>  ::scoots back a little:: Uh no.. that's ok...

<Interviewer>  ... So......... um... Hobbit, how many hobbits have you trained?

<Kari>  ::shrugs:: All right.... ::puts her whip down:: To this date, I've successfully trained 581 hobbits. But for some reason, the classes have been booked since the beginning of this new year... an increase in hobbit population you might say

<Interviewer>  Really, well... that's quite interesting, and these trained hobbits.. what makes them "better" you might say, than untrained hobbits?

<Kari>  Well, a trained hobbit is a happier hobbit. That's my general belief. And besides, a trained hobbit doesn't run off whenever they feel like it on some silly quest regarding a piece of tacky gold jewelry

<Interviewer>  Really? But...  I thought Sam was a trained hobbit

<Kari>  ::nods:: Yes he was, but he had influence from other hobbits. Even a trained hobbit can't resist "Hobbit Peer Pressure"

<Interviewer>  ::nods:: I see... so Hobbits can become untrained?

<Kari>  ::sighs:: Unfortunately yes, from influences such as other untrained hobbits or organizations such as PETH

<Interviewer>  And when a hobbit becomes untrained, what is the general result?

<Kari>  Misuse of carrots and excessive bathing of other hobbits

<Interviewer>  Really? That doesn't sound very harmful..

<Kari>  Oh, believe me it is... there are many things that can go wrong should a hobbit be bathed too many times.... a sudden allergy to strawberries... shrinking of the feet. But alas, the hobbit doing the bathing would not know this, so they make up for it by trying to massage the feet back to their original size

<Interviewer>  ::nods:: I see... sounds dangerous

<Kari>  ::nods in agreement:: It is and it's not a pretty sight

<Interviewer>  ::nods:: But about carrots, I thought you used them for training..

<Kari>  That I do.. you see, I teach them how to use the carrots properly. Carrots are, after all, an important item in a hobbits everyday life. But when an untrained hobbit gets a hold of a carrot, dangerous and very bad things can happen to him and those around him

<Interviewer>  ::nods:: I see

<Kari>  ::takes a sip of her coffee::

<Interviewer>  It seems training hobbits is certainly a good investment, who is it typically, that has their hobbits trained?

<Kari>  Hmm... I would say a majority of my cliental consists of ... people with large pointy hats

<Interviewer>  ::looks confused:: Large pointy hats?

<Kari>  ::waves dismissively:: Forget I said that ::takes another sip of her coffee::

<Interviewer>  All right... then, what positive skills, aside from learning how to handle carrots correctly and not running off because of tacky jewelry, do you impart on your hobbits?

<Kari>  That's easy... hobbit weed and wine... I teach hobbits the value of growing hobbit weed and wine making. After all, with their large feet, it is easier to stomp on the grapes.

<Interviewer>  ::nods:: right ... and.... what sort of connection do you have with the Hobbits you train?

<Kari>  Well, hobbits want to please their owners and I train them how to please properly

<Interviewer>  You teach them manners?

<Kari>  Of course

<Interviewer>  And what is the biggest obstacle in the training of a hobbit?

<Kari>  Aside from the wanting to bathe other hobbits, I'd have to say their feet

<Interviewer>  Their feet?

<Kari>  Of course, unknown to those that don't own hobbits, they tend to trip a lot

<Interviewer>  I see, and this causes problems?

<Kari>  Definitely, should a hobbit trip, other hobbits have a need to help, which is fine until they start with the foot massaging... it can get very messy

<Interviewer>  I see... I think..... and, well.. moving on, do you train anything aside from Hobbits? Have you ever?

<Kari>  ::shakes head:: No, never. I just don't see the point.  Hobbits are much more... profitable. I mean, training a dog would be all right for some, but can a dog grow hobbit weed? ::shakes head and smirks:: I don't think so

<Interviewer>  So you deny allegations that you have, in the past, been an elf trainer?

<Kari>  ::cracks whip:: Definitely

<Interviewer>  So you also deny charges that you trained elves to do hand puppets?

<Kari>  ::sighs:: I can neither deny nor confirm those allegations.. but I must say that if there is evidence, then it would probably be during my time as an assistant trainer... my instructor at that time did become involved in a heated battle regarding elves and puppets

<Interviewer>  Would you care to elaborate?

<Kari>  No. Next question

<Interviewer>  All right... do you believe the hobbits you train like you? Do they like you during the training? How about after? Are they grateful for the training they receive?

<Kari>  Hopefully, No, Yes and Yes

<Interviewer>  Mmhmm

<Interviewer>  And, what is your general feeling towards hobbits?

<Kari>  The more I get to train means the more money I get so... I like them fairly well. Bless their little hearts.

<Interviewer>  So... are you a pervy hobbit fancier?

<Kari>  ::smirks:: No, for a pervy hobbit fancier would be some that owns hobbits and since I don't own any.... you get the point

<Interviewer>  I suppose, so you're also denying those allegations, that you are a pervy hobbit fancier?

<Kari>  Yes ::leans close:: by the way, tell me who made the allegations... ::cracks whip again::

<Interviewer>  ::looks around funny:: I'm afraid I can't reveal my sources..

<Kari>  ::smiles:: Of course

<Interviewer>  ::smiles:: All right then, is there anything you personally would like to say to those who accuse you?

<Kari>  I do... should anyone think of crossing me... I am very good with my whip ::holds out a picture of her whip awards::

<Interviewer>  ::nods:: All right.. and is there anything else you want said, for the record?

<Kari>  For the record, I'm offering a special this month, bring in two hobbits for training and get half off your third untrained hobbit

<Interviewer>  ::nods:: right ::smiles:: well, thank you for the interview

<Kari>  Anytime... by the way, take one of these ::hands her a business card::

<Interviewer>  Thank you ::smiles::

end