Let me say this right off the bat: I hate this damn film. I hate Stephanie and her stupid, vapid smile, I hate that half the film is shot in slow-motion for no reason, I hate the mind-besmirching theme song, I hate that every character in this film is a one-dimensional stereotype, and most of all I hate the tedium of the cheesy, nonsensical ending. I'm not talking nonsensical as in, "One character sticks his finger into another's belly button to channel his power into making the other one constipated and a million times stronger," I'm talking "Seven year olds beating up men with arms as thick as both your legs." This film is so damn boring that I can't believe I made myself suffer through it a second time for you ungrateful bastards, with your unsullied taste in films. The worst film you've all probably seen was when you went to the cinema that time to watch "Babe" and sat on someone's toffee popcorn.
Secondly, let me say this: I have absolutely NO idea whatsoever who Cynthia is. She gets her own quotation marks in the opening credits and she's the second name listed in the closing credits. The only two people I think it could be are Eric's mum or Eric's sister, but I'm sure that his sister was called "Jennifer" and I don't think his mum was named, and if she was then she was only in two scenes, hardly worthy of all the special treatment of being listed second in the credits. Maybe Carol Potter was the director's wife and if he didn't agree to put her in the credits then he wouldn't get any gravy with his mash and mushy peas, the dinner of champions of justice and directors of crappy, American B-hogwash everywhere.
The plot goes like this: In random American state where the girls are pretty and can't act, Eric, manliest pirate in the whole of the US of A goes with his equally manly first-mate, Brad, to go searching for booty and adventure. Now, copy and paste that sentence into Word and use the "Find and Replace" feature to change all instances of the words "manliest" with "geekiest", "pirate" with "geek", "first-mate" with "pussy" and "booty" with "sluts." The stuff about Brad being manly and them going off for adventure is all true though. Sorry, I meant the opposite of true: complete bollocks.
At some point later in the film after some bollocks about some guy in a white suit wanting something and some other guy wanting something else, I think it was a picket fence, and some Mexicans liking bombs, we cut to a scene of the most terrifying proportions as some troublesome Mexicans (those Mexicans!) go all out by spray-painting circles on road signs, hitting melons with crowbars and treading on remote-controlled cars. Does their reign of terror know no bounds?!
Skip to some dojo. I don't care if there were scenes inbetween; they weren't important. Neither is this one or any of the other ones, but I can remember this scene, so shut up and start enjoying this review, because I'm not. See, the dojo works like this: Some kids punch pads, flip each other and ruin my day all with fast-paced action music of exciting trouble! Then the sensei randomly calls two people to the front of the class to knock the crap out of each other. Now, I did karate for three or four years and 13 year olds were never called to the front of the class randomly to hit each other in the face. Not without padding... well, not at all, in fact. But if ever we sparred, then we were forced to wear padding, and even with padding we weren't allowed to hit each other in the face, as I discovered when I made two of my opponents bleed and was disqualified from some tournament. I'm not trying to say I'm an expert in karate, or that my teacher wasn't an overweight driving-instructor, I'm just saying that I don't think it would happen. I digress, which is actually a good thing since you really don't want to hear about this film.
Cut to Bobby (Token black guy) sweeping and checking out the fiiiiiiiiiine white chicks at the same time. Eric accidentally mistakes Bobby's affection for laying upon the old woman whose sole purpose in life is to hold a bag in the middle of the street, Eric comments that Bobby might be setting his standards a little high, so Bobby pulls out a glock and busts a cap in Eric's stupid whitebread face, comments, "Damn honkeys," then puts on a big purple hat with a yellow feather and tells the bag lady she's working for him now. Actually, that's not what really happens, but it might as well. What actually happens is that Eric slyly alludes to wanting to go hit on Miss Personality (the blonde that Bobby was really looking at.) As Eric leaves, Bobby laughs to himself and says, "White boys..." I immediately responded with, "Damn right."
Alright, so big-breasted blonde is immediately attracted to Eric "stop making fun of my sock-suspenders!" Chase (who wouldn't be?) and the two instantly fall in love in the most boring possible way. I mean, I hate romance in films as much as the next wind-riding troubadour, but come on! If I have to watch the two exchange pointless "pleasantries" ever again, then I'm going to have to chew down on more than just my quilt to keep in my frothing rage.
I'm just going to summarise the rest of the plot: Man from earlier who wanted picket fence and likes bombs busts some people up, pops a couple caps in a couple ceilings and is generally an arse in order to get some people to hand over their property for mister white-suit from the beginning. TENSE RIVALRY between Eric and some blonde poof is non-stop action! Brad makes funnys, some more Mexicans perpetuate stereotypes, white people live in big mansions, maids get on my nerves and Stephanie is kidnapped. Oh noes! It's up to Eric, Brad and Bobby to save the day. What will happen in the final dramatic climax? Stay tuned or go watch a film that isn't mindlessly dull: Your call!
Steve: Don't be afraid to use your nails, boys!
Although I'm sure we got a lot of laughs out of Brad shouting at Bobby to take his feet off his car's upholstery, I think the charming exchange between white-suit and Paolo is much more heart-warming and knee-slapping. White-suit tells Paolo to go rough up a Chinese restaurant, but not to use any bombs. Unfortunately, Paolo and his tattoos don't quite understand what it means to not use a bomb, so Paolo says he can use a cherry bomb if white-suit would prefer. White-suit tells him off again, and after a pause Paolo insists that a cherry bomb isn't really a bomb, then white-suit tells him off again. Paolo, running low on thoughts, requests if a molotov cocktail is alright since all it does is spread some flames. White-suit tells him off one last time. Those wacky Mexicans and rich white people with their cultural differences. This scene has the added effect of helping us become much more tolerant and understanding of Mexicans, rich white people and the conflicts that might arise between them, such as Mexicans wanting to blow things up and white people not wanting them to. Aren't we all better people now?
There is only one scene that's any good, which is the scene in which Eric and his sensei take out forty racially assorted ruffians. Even Eric is vaguely likeable in that scene! Therefore, there's not much competition for best scene, so instead I have decided to take the worst scene. The competition was so stiff that I had to choose approximately three-hundred different scenes that are all identical; the scenes are any scene in which Stephanie and Eric "speak" to each other. These scenes couldn't possibly show you how boring they are in mere pictoral film, so luckily Johnny Chan has agreed to show us exactly what he thinks of the scenes with his stunning array of facial expressions. Go here to see these scenes with LIVE commentary from Johnny Chan!
Trivia: Stephanie only has one row of teeth, which row?
A) Top
B) Don't know
(Read the file name of this picture for more info.)