Rank ‘n’ Defiled Rock
Klassics
There is a brilliant man living in
the
As the series title suggests,
these are the most atrocious covers of classic rock and pop tunes ever
perpetrated. While there is no substitute for hearing them, I will be posting
some of my R&D reviews here, to give you an idea what you’re missing.
—JAG
Rank ‘n’ Defiled Rock Klassics, vol. 26 (Nearin’ Bottom)
Side A:
Positively 4th Street: Living Voices [Their manager wanted to call them the Disembodied Voices, in keeping with their sound, but fan-tastemaker Kim Fowley insisted that was “just too creepy.” This fine reading of 4th Street was culled from the Voices’ public service album for young children, I Know My Address!]
Light My Fire: Edmundo Ros [Edmundo, Jerome called: he wants his maracas back. To achieve a satisfactorily “fiery” sound, Ros instructed the studio musicians to wear fire hats, and torched some paper in the waste can, during the recording of this song. His insanity and paranoia fueled by his alarmingly escalating intake of psychedelic drugs, Ros became convinced that his song was responsible for actual LA fires and he pulled the planned Smile album from production. Only this track survives, and Van Dyke Parks was never to collaborate with him again.]
Hey Jude: Edmundo Ros [Edmundo’s original lyric reads, “The movement you need is in your thorax,” but John encouraged him to make the revision you hear here. He also counseled a change of title, from the original, “Hey, Poopy-pants!”]
Moi Et Bobby McGee: Les Compagnons de la Chanson [This group, whose name in English means “The Gristle of Mine Heart,” made a career of emasculating American country and western hits, grinding them into a paste, and serving them back to U.S. audiences on a stale cracker with a glass of vinegary house wine. This selection comes from their platinum-selling debut, Mama est une Alcoolique Putain.]
Michelle: Howard Roberts Quartet [Critics—you know the type—may say they were naught but a pale imitation of the Beatles. Fans, though, have only to hear their signature theme song—“Here we come, walking down the street—hey, hey, we’re the Howard Roberts Quartet!”—and soon they’ll be playfully arguing over who was the greatest ‘Quart: the short, talent-less one; the sock-capped, irritable one; the grinning idiot who thought he had soul; the one who should’ve been Stephen Stills. Despite some of the day’s top pop songwriters, the ‘Quarts still felt obliged to pillage the Fab Four’s songbook. Their popular TV series cancelled after an ill-advised guest appearance by Charlie “Chuck” Manson, the ‘Quarts turned to extensive touring and a tragic end, when they were given the Day of the Locust treatment by angry Daughters of the American Revolution.
Turn Down Day: Trombones Unlimited [Amazing how a simple name-change can completely alter a band’s fortunes! This outfit was totally nowhere in their original incarnation, as Trombones Limited!]
Sunshine Superman: Trombones Unlimited [And before that, they were known as The Trom-Boners!]
Inner Light: Soulful Strings [This is such an obvious choice of Beatles’ songs to cover! You really need to hear the Strings’ version of “The Inner Groove” from the Beatles Rarities.]
Evil Ways: Al De Lory [Another foreign act, Al (whose name translates as “Al the Truck”) recorded several albums of spells and incantations like this before being burned at the stake by the RIAA.]
Hard Day’s Night: Gary McFarland [In addition to creating the wholesome comic series, Spawn (which portrays the breeding cycle of the brook trout) and collecting ridiculously expensive landmark homerun baseballs, McFarland somehow finds the time to redefine Beatles music for an all-new, all-blank generation. Huzzah!]
Lay Lady Lay: Ferrante & Teicher [We can only hope and pray that Teicher recovers from the horrible mauling he suffered from that white tiger.]
Side B:
Light My Fire: Johnny Mathis [From the incendiary Mathis Does Morrison album, banned in 47 states and 312 countries. Ian Anderson recorded the entire flute track standing on one foot, wearing only his codpiece.]
For No One: Floyd Cramer [From the aptly-titled album, Floyd Cramer For No One.]
Groovin’: Floyd Cramer [Also known by its full title, Tongue and Groovin’, this is part of Cramer’s series of home improvement-carpentry albums, followed by If I Had a Hammer (and a Two-by-Four); Sandin’ in the Shadows of Love; and Plainin’, Stainin’, and Dyein’.]
She’s Leaving Home: Tony Osborne [A sensitive reading from Tony, the Forgotten Osborne.]
Martha My Dear: Herb Alpert [In a dramatic departure from Alpert’s usual style, here his singing reflects his vocal training by Dictators frontman, Handsome Dick Manitoba. Listen for the flamenco influence in Ted Nugent’s guitar solo.]
Blackbird: Harpers Bizarre [McCartney’s peon of racial uplift becomes a spirited funk-gospel rave-up in the Harpers’ hands! This all-African American band actually used to perform in whiteface to lure funk-fearing suburbanites to their incendiary shows! Listen for the shout-out to the Godfather of Soul from a young George Clinton.
Little-known fact, this combo recorded several albums under their original name, all of which are incredibly rare and sought-after collectors’ items. True story! Only after changing their name was Harpers Commonplace able to find smashing success!]
Whiter Shade of Pale: Canadian Brass [What Emge is to Canadian bacon, what the Mackenzie Brothers were to Canadian culture, the Canadian Brass is to the French horn.]
Maxwell’s Silver Hammer: Canadian Brass [Borrowing a page from a band they idolized, the Ohio Players, the Canucks actually committed a murder in the studio while recording this song!]
Twist and Shout: Si Zentner [Si’s records have gotten harder to find since he changed his name to Zi Zzentner. He’s a breeze to look up in the phone book, though.]
I Feel the Earth Move: Les Brown [Actually recorded by the venerable Brown during the SF quake of ’09, this is a surprisingly clear transfer from the Edison wire recording.]
Something: Templeton Twins [There were actually three of them, of two different races, and none of them named Templeton! Crazy but true!]
I Want to Hold Your Hand: New Christy Minstrels [This is actually a remake of the Christy’s version of this beloved classic, originally recorded as part of an instructional record for EMT’s, You Must Dismember This. As you know, the group later changed their name to the New Main Street Singers.]
That'll do, pig! Take me HOME.