T.U.A.S.O.F.
(Tied Up And Set On Fire)
It's helpful in today's world to just kind of have a standard set of reactions to everyday occurances. In the W.W.T.D. philosophy (note please that it's not a religion since Mr. L 'sees no use for faith'), the actions we take are relatively simple, but important.
Step One is to adopt two facial expressions. 1.) UTTER and COMPLETE boredom with the world around you and people who aren't talking ABOUT or TO you, and 2.) Total disappointment (note that this expression is so important, the description of it is featured in Bück Dich).
An example:
Note Till, cleverly utilizing BOTH the boredom and disappointment facial expressioin
while lit up from behind with heavenly white sunshine. It must be hard to
give Till 1) a salespitch, 2) a lapdance, or 3) head because he can just glare
at you and you know you've failed no matter how hard you were trying to please
him. This picture of The Man has it all: Classy smoking, bulging biceps, pronounced
jaw, cute li'l hat. I may have to go lay down for a moment as I swoon in all
his Teutonic Glory.
Till
Lindemann does smile, and he has a wonderful beautiful, radiant smile. It
lights up the room like a fucking beacon off the coast of goddamn Maine. But
you'd better damn well earn that smile, and frankly, for twisted sexual fantasy
purposes, I'll take the bored disappointment any day. Remember this: 9
times out of 10, disappointment leads to spankings. Know also that the
Du Hast video and all concerts surrounding the Du Hast video are affectionately
referred to by me and my followers as "the Bad Hair era". Far be
it from me to criticize, but Master, are you trying to be a circa 1989 skater
chick? I had this haircut for God's sake.
Step Two is to remember ther are only a limited number of reactions to anything:
1. TUASOF - Tied Up and Set On Fire - Bad review? Fender bender? Served with a law suit? Wrong order at a restaurant? Microphone doesn't work on stage during the most important part of the song? Reporter from MTV accuses you of being NAZI? The solution is simple and effective. TIE THEM UP AND SET THEM ON FIRE. It gets your point across quickly, looks good and serves as a deterrent for future dissention or impertinence.
2. Bed them, write a nice note and get the hell out of there - It's hard to be a sex symbol of Tillian Proportion. A woman I talked to once wisely noted "Wherever Till goes, six drunk bitches follow". I imagine that there must be a number of women who he bedded simply to shut them up rather than for a deep, intimate emotional connection. Groupies report that Till a) writes very nice thank you notes. "Dear Hobag: thanks for the oral. It was considerate of you to swallow." b) likes to be licked and c) is an asshole because he refuses to engage women in 'serious conversation'*.
*To this I must say: YOU ARE A GROUPIE. You are backstage at a concert, trying to get laid by a man from another country whom you will never see again. WHY in the WORLD would he engage you in serious conversation? You are a hole, and if willing, you are THREE holes. There's no time for talk. He has better things to do than worry about your fucking self esteem.Tillian sex is brief and sweaty, almost beastial. It leaves you spent and a little bit ashamed.
LIKE ALL GOOD SEX SHOULD.
3. Get wasted and pass out in the backseat of a Mercedes - never underestimate the healing properties of a pack of Marlboro Reds, a bottle of Jack Daniels and a few shots of tequila. It is important to note here that The Great German Bender in WWTD's world does not involve Jagermeister. That's crass and predictable. Whiskey or NOTHING. Don't stop drinking until the girl looks good.
4. Claim Ignorance of Language - Annoying reporter? More annoying groupie? MORE annoying police officer? Tell them you don't speak their language. Should take care of it every time.
5. Total Silence, confirm nor deny - Accused of a crime you didn't commit? Blamed for violence perpetrated by twisted teenagers in another country? Horrible rumors being spread about you that you know aren't true? Bitch Groupies claiming you're a perverted, pedophilic cokehead on public message boards as a result of your unrequited love? DON'T DO ANYTHING. Don't release a statement, don't sue, don't deny it. Just go about your business and let people wonder what the fuck you're thinking. It gives an air of confusing if not cryptic mystery as to your mental stability. Later, simply shrug your shoulders and say that your real friends know the truth. There are two sides to every story, but Lord knows we don't need to hear both of them to make an accurate judgement.
And remember, finally, the most important thing I ever learned from Till Lindemann (in one of our Three Brief Conversations)
**Update**
A friend of mine, who is not a follower of the WWTD philosophy (a HEATHEN of sorts) informed me today that Till is "a bit of an arrogant prick" in his estimation. Leery of this fellow, I requested "proof" of this "arrogance", expecting to be able to dismiss his charges as simple Heterosexual Male "NON-Tillian" Jealousy (AKA EIFERSUCHT). Which is a common male reaction to the MAN HIMSELF. Apparently, my friend was upset that Till wouldn't talk to HIM at a backstage party. Let's re read that sentence for better comprehension and we will quickly reveal the root cause of Till's uncommon reaction. Yes indeed, my friend is a HIM. A HIM. Listen HIM, Till and followers of Till DON'T HAVE TIME to talk to people who are not in possession of a vagina. I'm sorry, that's just the way it goes. Till is all charm and jokes and hugs and love and cigarettes IF YOU ARE WITHIN THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY OF GETTING HIM OFF, my friend, I'm afraid...is not.
But his story does not end there. He went on to tell me that his friend (a female) coyly asked Herr Lindemann if she could possibly do anything to help the cuts he'd received on stage that were bleeding the royal blood of Till. Till, in all of his wonderful, charming glory responded, "Yeah, you can blow me."
Where's the problem? I can name 37 women in 73 seconds that would have dropped to their knees before the 'me' got out of his mouth. TILL NEEDS BLOWJOBS people. I think it's clear. To deprive him of a good hummer is to make him sad, and indeed, frustrated. This woman most certainly COULD have helped him, but in her startled state, one that will NOT forward her career as an EMT, she missed her chance to suck the holy cock of Till. A chance that I would not miss for the world.
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A new
study at the University of Dusseldorf in Germany found that women in
their 20s and 30s have much better memories than men in their 20s and
30s. So remember girls, if Till fucked you raw and promised to call
the next day...he's not blowing you off...he just doesn't remember it!
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Richard: Is there anything fluffier than a cloud?
Till: If there is, I don't want to know about it.
"Don't Worry. The Party Continues"
As a final study in the proper attitude, we see here at far left the powerful trio of -- boredom, disappointment and patronizing clasped hands that just barely conceal his seething rage for humanity. All that's really missing is the one arched eyebrow and white persian cat. I'm not sure if there's a more "GERMAN" picture in all of the internet what with the boots, the black leather couch, the aerodynamic sunglasses and matching shirts.
and if I may issue a note to Till's children from the looks of the patient anger in this photo: DON'T BREAK CURFEW