(What Would Till Do?)
WWTD? Looks like he'd do my original imaginary boyfriend David Gahan. To think that I thought David was so dominant and manly. He is quite obviously Till's little heroin bitch. I'm up for a Jessi sandwich, wherein both Dave and I are huddled in the corner, shivering, begging for our lives.
You heard me. It's an update
There is MORE Ask Till available for your ready goodness. THE PHILOSOPHY SPREADS LIKE A VIRUS. See our new Gallery of Fan Art!. It has just become known to me via the fabulous live journal community Rammstein Pimp that you crazy kids are making various W.W.T.D. paraphenalia. I LOVE IT! email me photos of your WWTD swag and I'll post them in the gallery!
Some find it odd that a young American, married, relatively conservative, plainish, optimistic English speaking woman like myself would subscribe to such an odd and admittedly detrimental philosophy of life as What Would Till Do? Some would also say that 'guacamole doesn't taste good.' Of course, these people are heretics and should be TUASOF. Till Lindemann is the epitome of "cool rockstar". He is also the epitome of "fuck 'em if they can't take a joke". He is tertiarily the epitome of "people not to introduce to your parish priest". I've loved him for over three years with a sort of blind fervor likened only to people who see the Blessed Virgin in their jello molds. It's only natural that a life philosophy should emerge from such obsession.
The day after I first met Rammstein and saw them in concert in the front row (an experience not to be passed up), I settled quietly into the Dodge Stratus, folded my hands in my lap, looked at my husband (who is amazingly still my husband) and said, "I am a changed woman."
I've only had three brief conversations with Till Lindemann, but I have studied him in several contexts. I have also seen him in concert live six times, I own two different Rammstein concerts on tape, I've seen every video they've ever made with the exception of Das Modell, I've conquered the Rammstein Komputerspiel, I own a full week's rotation of Rammstein t-shirts and have had the MAN himself request to have a closer look at my chest (at least according to MY interpretation of the story). It's a moment I treasure to this day.
Till Lindemann is the only human being alive who is allowed to call me Jessi in person. Because if he thinks that's what I should be called, then that's the way it will be, even if I couldn't possibly hate that name more. He obviously, in his infinite knowledge of women worldwide, looked at me, asked my name, dismissed what I told him and came up with something else. THAT'S TILLIAN PHILOSOPHY. Whatever I want, I get, and if I don't, I just have a cigarette.
I strive to be more like Till Lindemann without the bothersome public masturbation. I've perfected the look of boredom and disappointment illustrated on the TUASOF page, I've thoroughly conquered "talking with a cigarette in my mouth", I've been thrown out of a major event for indecent exposure and lewd behavior (It's a bitch, isn't it Till?), I've erroneously reported myself to be on the German Swim Team, I've got me the black leather lace up shitkicker boots that I see him wearing so often. Till and I both have aquariums. We are one, but I can't really do the whiskey.
Which brings us to the pictorial instruction portion of our study. Sometimes, when we can't actually be in close contact with the the person we admire, we must simply act on what we see them doing. People don't always believe what you say, but they MUST believe what you DO, so when Till is captured DOING, in PHOTOGRAPHS, I have to take him at his word, and act accordingly.
This picture says it all to me. I'm a rock star, I smoke. I smoke even when you're taking a picture. Lung Cancer? WOULDN'T DARE COME NEAR ME. Marlboro Reds or nothin' bitch.
Sigh. I guess what we learn from this photo is that....we all have bad days. We all take bad pictures and...nobody's perfect. Till...darling, love of my life. Allow me to teach the master if I may. WHEN THE CRACK OF YOUR ASS is hanging out of your bathing suit, it's time to go up a size. Till love water sports, and as a result, so do we. And I mean the real water sports, you perv. He swims, waterskis, stands waist deep in a stagnant pond. I've done all those things as well. And I'm fairly sure I could beat him in a 100 M Free race. If he's up for it, I'm ready any time...gargantua. Pardon my brief impertinence, master. I will be punished for it later. And also, as a former lifeguard I must admonish you for being SO close to another waterslide rider. NEVER start down the slide until the first rider is well out of sight. There's nothing good about this picture minus the fact that illustrates Till's fun loving, youthful spirit. And kick ass back muscles.
Till also hunted down and killed 101 Dalmations and made a lovely suit out of them. And so this weekend, I will be doing the same. But they will be faux dalmations, from the Disney Store. (What's so upsetting is how many photos this jacket appears in floating around the internet. Why Men Need Women: To Clean Out Their Closets.
Leather good. Till in bondage good. Till bleeding from the eyes good. Hulk turned on by Till in distress. And you see, this brings us to an important aspect of WWTD philosophy. SEX IS KING. Sex sex sex. Look for it, get it, talk about it, take photos. Sex with yourself, sex with a partner, sex with multiple partners and an eggplant. Whatever you can get, go get it, don't apologize, don't waste time. Get in get out, then go get drunk.
Some would say 'don't do the crime if you can't do the time'. In Tillian Philosophy we say, 'don't do the crime unless you can look like white hot liquid fuck in the seat of a police car'. So plan your actions accordingly and make sure you have clean underwear.
This is NOT a picture of T.V.'s Richard Belzer. This IS Till, and he's obviously brilliant, what with reading a Chinese newspaper. Followers of W.W.T.D. should strive to learn how to say "where's the bar" and "are you available for hot, meaningless sex" in several languages. Note the boots, which I have, and the sunglasses which I had and lost.
And to see the W.W.T.D. philosophy in action, please visit the Field Studies Page
For detailed study on what I'd do to Till in various costumes, visit Till Three Ways
Ever Wonder what the MAN would ask for for Christmas? Wonder no more: Till's Christmas List
Ever Wonder what the MAN would have to endure when stuck in a room with me?: An Interview With Till
Ask Till Anything from love advice to how to build a car, to what goes in to the finest creme brulee. Till knows, and he'll tell you.
Brief Disclaimer: I love and support Rammstein probably more than anyone on the planet. PROBABLY, and while I often criticize and make fun of Till, it's honestly because I'm so in love with him it's ridiculous. I mean, my husband is genuinely sickened by me and the things I do regarding Rammstein. Till, I really AM inspired by you and your band, and you really have influenced me in several ways, including but not limited to: physical self improvement, increased self confidence and increased creativity. I think you're great.
Please don't kill me.
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