Hey, did you hear the one about the California recall election?  Chads may have been hung in Florida, but the Golden State is keeping the nation's comics in funny business
August 28, 2003--San Francisco Chronicle
The over-the-top absurdity that is the California recall election has actually become a headache for comedians, says Comedy Central's Colin Quinn: It's too easy.

With a field of candidates including an action superhero, a porn publisher, a porn star, a former child actor and a watermelon-smashing comedian, Quinn told the Associated Press, "It's a punch line already."

True story: The wits of late-night television are desperate to show clips of Arnold Schwarzenegger on the campaign trail, but they don't dare.  They're afraid they would owe the other 135 candidates equal time.

CBS' Craig Kilborn, for instance, had an entire segment on the recall shelved.  In it he ran footage of Schwarzenegger ads underscored with mock subtitles that had the Austrian-born actor referring to his home state as "Cauliflower" and "Colin Farrell."

That bit might have raised the hackles of a censor or two, but the nation's comics just can't help themselves.  The recall has yielded a bonanza of material, most of it as obvious as Quin suggests, but no less funny for it.  Here's a sampling.

I'll tell you where this recall is really causing problems--over at "Hollywood Squares."  There are so many B- and C-level celebrities running for governor, they had to shut down production.

--Jay Leno

Today the secretary of state said that of the 247 candidates, so far 115 of them have been certified.  How embarrassing is that?  Imagine if you were turned down because you didn't meet the high standards set by Larry Flynt and Gallagher.

--Jay Leno

It's been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger's opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet.  In a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches.

--Conan O'Brien

Here's a little known fact: Arnold is the first bodybuilder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

--David Letterman

It looks like it's going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or Gray Davis.  You got a robot from the future or a robot with no future.

--Jay Leno

Yesterday Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California.  The announcement was good news for Florida residents, who now live in the second-flakiest state in the country.

--Conan O'Brien

Take away their statehood and turn them into an outpatient clinic.

--Lewis Black, on California

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger.  Of course, he can't pronounce "Schwarzenegger."

--David Letterman

Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.

--Conan O'Brien

Yesterday Jerry Springer bowed out of the Ohio Senate race.  He said, 'If I can't run the most embarrassing campaign in America, then I'm out of here."

--Craig Kilborn

A number of candidates are complaining that Arnold is getting so much of the spotlight that it's drowning out their message.  In fact, Arianna Huffington said that she hasn't been this ignored since her honeymoon.

--Jay Leno

An NBC News poll has found that if the election were held today, 31 percent of California voters would vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger and 26 percent were not sure.  Today Gray Davis announced he is changing his name to "Not Sure."

--Jay Leno