Extended Version
Monday, 10:03 am
I'm sitting in my favorite place--in the den of my new house next to my antique lamp. I've decided to like the lamp a lot because it cost me a small bundle, and I think it is pretty. The lamp is an antique. It's a conquistador. There's a figure of a conquistador on the base, and above that, the lamp shade is made out of mica. When I first saw the lamp it was quite a moment, I was like, "wow". I am in a robe in the mornings, with my coffee, reading the paper, near the lamp, thinking about the lamp. My robe is a rich blue terrycloth wiht a green trim, not monogrammed. We're gonna talk every day this week, right? This is gonna be fun, right?
Monday, 11:19 am
I'm at my office listening to an audio tape of last Friday's show. I hear the comedy more clearly that way. When I listen to my tapes I want to make sure that I am enunciating, that I have a nice command of the English language, that I am sprinkling the conversation with polysyllabic, colorful words, descriptive words. I like to sit behind my desk, and yes, there is a mirror on my desk so I can look at my face while I talk. That's important to me.
Monday, 9:12 pm
I just got home. I'm waiting for the food I ordered: grilled salmon with grilled zucchini and a salad with mozzarella and balsamic vinegar. I'm going to watch Hombre with Paul Newman. I have a flat-screen TV. I get a feed from the East Coast so I can see my show. More than that, I also get to see Letterman at 8:30 P.M.
Tuesday, 11:43 am
Last night I dreamt about my lamp. There was a power outage and I went downstairs to my den, and the lamp was on. It was powering my house and heating my house. Everything was out after the power outage, but the lamp was still on and heating my house. And it didn't need to be plugged in. It's all-powerful. That was a dream of mine. I'm worried about my obsesseion, but I don't need a therapist. I talk to America every night. That's my therapy. [Call waiting] Vince Vaughn's on the other line. He's about to go shopping, and he wants to know what he should wear. He's always asking me to help him with that. I've got to go talk to him.
Wednesday, 10:33 am
I had to go down to the Beverly Hills BMW to pick up a valet key. My valet key got misplaced, which happens. You know when you go to a restaurant you don't give them your master key with your home keys on it. You give them a valet key, and they park your car. I needed a copy of it because I lost mine. This happens a lot. You go through about two valet keys a year.
Wednesday, 8:53 pm
I'm having my annual dinner with [CBS president] Les Moonves at the Palm. I went healthy. I usually get pork chops, but I got halibut. I love the creamed spinach. Creamed spinach can be one of the greatest things in the world if done right, and they do it right. Les and I have a yearly dinner, but Les said we should do it more often because I'm a good hang. You ever heard that expression? When you hang out with someone, you're a good hang-- a good guy to hang out with.
Thursday, 10:48 am
Right now, because workers are at my house, I'm on the patio. It's terraced. I'm actually looking at a hummingbird in my garden area right now. He's quick too. He is all over the place. I am barefoot. I'm dancing barefoot.
Friday, 10:08 pm
It's been a solid week of shows, and I'm with a friend at the Polo Lounge in booth one--the Humphrey Bogart/Howard Hughes/Ava Gardner booth. It's not my table, but they like me here a lot. I usually order the swordfish and the Grand Marnier souffle`. Chocolate bores me to tears. The piano player is playing Polka Dots and Moonbeams, which is my request.
Saturday, 1:49 pm
I'm lounging by my pool listening to Bob Marley from my faux rock speakers. I just lounge and float. It's totally private. I see the sky, and I have these trees around me. I watch the trees wave in the breeze. It is very quiet and private.
Sunday, 11:14 am
Tonight I'll have dinner with a beautiful young person. I love to cook in my new kitchen. I cook the same thing, but it's good. The two sides remain consistent: grilled asparagus and sliced tomato salad with red onions, crumbled blue cheese and balsamic vinegar. The meat can be pork chops, Cajun catfish, salmon or whatever I want. No carbs, so I can keep my body fat at four percent. I will also be reading The Great Gatsby this afternoon because my brother told me to read it in college, and I still have not read it.
