| About Minnesota: "I moved there, I moved there when I was in kindergarden and my dad said, 'we're not from here, I don't ever want to hear you talk like that.' But uh yeah, so I never adopted that accent, but I did adopt the sports teams and that is a killer-I mean they just tear me apart. The Vikings, the Timberwolves, and at least the Twins are doing ok." On fame: "I like it. No one recognizes me, obviously. But I like the whispering, and sometimes I'll look over and say 'Yeah, it's me.' and then I'll you know, keep walking. But don't talk to me! Leave me alone!" "Ah, that's good, that's a good line, that's good...factor in the alcohol, that's very funny. Cause I've been drinking before the show and I think that's hilarious. I'm laughing hard." "Have you ever been to Paris in springtime? Have you ever seen a sunset dance off the placid blue Aegean? Have you ever had an experience so profound that you saw the very face of God himself? That was her ass." What about the people who can't stand you? "They can blank my blank." (Really? Are you sure you want me to print that?) "Yes. I'll spell it out for you: b-l-a-n-k my b-l-a-n-k." "Last night I dreamt about my lamp. There was a power outage and I went downstairs to my den, and the lamp was on. It was powering my house and heating my house. Everything was out after the power outage, but the lamp was still on and heating my house. And it didn't need to be plugged in. It's all-powerful." On guest editing Gear magazine: "In my issue, the ink will be glow-in-the-dark, so all the boy bands can read it in the closet." "Ok, here comes the comedy everyone!" "Oh, I love scrubee-scrub!" About his son: "We know the cards we've been dealt; we're dealing with it and doing a good job." About the Lakers, on The Best Damn Sports Show Period: "The dynasty with the Lakers is over. We know Sacramento was better last year and Dallas is better this year. Shaq is too big now and every time he touches the ball, it's an offensive foul." From the Chicago Sun-Times: "The 36-year-old fromer basketball player at Montana State who once led the Big Sky Conference in turnovers and averages 1.8 points a game--'But it was a spectacular 1.8,' Kilborn contends with mock bravado." "The thing I've never heard about myself until I started doing 'The Daily Show' was that I was mean-spirited; I thought the 'Headlines' got a little harsh sometimes." "This could be dangerous. The real Craig? We could be in trouble." On going to New Orleans: "Finally, 16 years of banjo lessons are going to pay off big time." "I pulled more muscles hosting this talk show than I ever have playing basketball. It's called commitment." "Nobody is more passionately anti-Lakers than I am. If the league wasn't so diluted, they would have been exposed a long time ago. Shaq commits an offensive foul every time he touches the ball inside." "True story: One time, I told Phil Jackson, who was in the green room, that my dad said that they would never have allowed Wilt Chamberlain to get away with the kind of offensive fouls that Shaq got away with, and Phil said, 'Your dad is right.'" "All David Stern cares about is money. He's just a marketer. Look at what he did to the Wolves with the Joe Smith thing. You think he would have been that rough on a team in a bigger market, like L.A.? Forget it. That was excessive punishment." "I'd love to see them make a move, but I have to say that if KG was ever traded or he played with someone else, I'd probably root for that team. I'm a KG guy." From Craig's Coca-Cola commercial: "So many Cinderellas, and yet just one slipper." "You're assuming that anyone still watches SportsCenter. Kidding! I apologize to America if I started this phenomenon (of using highlights as vehicles for wisecracks). Just give me the scores! If I want comedy, I'll watch the CBS Evening News." "When you move to Los Angeles, in the first month you're supposed to do three things: 1)get a new head shot; 2)get breast implants; 3)root for the Lakers. I've done two of the three. I am not ready to become a Lakers fan." "I'm not saying the league arranged for the Lakers to win, I'm just implying it." About sticking his gum on a GQ sign: "It wasn't me. It wasn't gum either." About his dream life: "I thoroughly enjoy this job. I could do it for a long time--but I could see myself retiring early--maybe buy a house in Carmel." "As far as trash talking goes, when I was playing HORSE with Kevin Garnett, I called a bank shot and yelled 'Larry!' as I released it, referring to Larry Bird. Note to young players: Don't yell 'Larry!' until you're sure the shot is going in. Because if, hypothetically, you miss the backboard and hit Fred Hoiberg in the head, it's embarrassing." |
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