"I have told you this that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." John 15:11
"Earth hath no sorrow that Heaven's balm cannot heal."
You, little Cameron, were the balm to heal our aching, weary hearts ... the
"instead-of" baby that came in wake of -- and because of -- your dear
next-older brother Duncan's flying away to heaven at 11 days old. (See
http://members.aol.com/shenandoahdawn/Duncan.html for that story.)
Just three months after Duncan's homegoing I became pregnant again ...
everything still out of shape from the previous pregnancy ... this made it
very hard but I knew it was worth it. My emotions swung wildly between total
awe that we'd be entrusted once again with a new life, and panic at having to
go through labor and birth again, even though we felt absolute peace that
everything would be OK this time. We planned another home birth and I
struggled with the fear of having to go into labor again, of possibly
freaking out so badly in labor that I wouldn't be able to let go and DO this
again, at home ... in spite of years of study and knowledge about natural
birth and home birth in particular (and being absolutely convinced, even
after everything, of its safety in general), I sometimes longed to just go to
the hospital and get knocked out for a c-section. The Lord apparently had
other plans.
The pregnancy went well except for the discomforts being more heightened from
having two babies back to back ... still I did not regret having them so
close. I should have exercised more but didn't; I should have eaten better
(this I felt particularly guilty about) but didn't, either. I think the
harder labor and birth reflected both of those. My husband worried about
that, as well. It's an incredibly difficult and complex thing being newly
pregnant and yet fairly newly bereaved, especially for the modern psyche.
I'm not even sure how to write about it ... I feel like I'm floundering here
... I suppose I should let it suffice to say that with prayer (MUCH prayer)
and continually throwing myself on God's mercy, I did get through the
pregnancy and then later the birth (the whole story of that is also on a
separate web page, http://members.aol.com/shenandoahdawn/Cameron.html) ...
and I can look back and say it truly was only God's grace and mercy which
carried us through. Our subsequent baby, Cameron, is big and healthy and has
brought a joy to us that doubtlessly would be less sweet or sharp if it were
not for the difficulty we endured!
~Shannon
Wife to Troy
Mommy to Alistair (90), Ian (92), Erin (94), Ross (95), Breanna (97)
and
Duncan Reid ~ born 7/2/99 went home 7/13/99
Cameron Davis ~ born 7/15/00
Melody's Story
I am a mom of 8 living children, and four in heaven, three by early miscarriage and one
stillbirth at 36 weeks. After having 6 healthy children, I guess you could say I took it all
for granted. Then I miscarried two times which was very hard. I wondered if I would ever
hold one of our babies again. But God gave us the desires of our heart, and we were
blessed with Jessica Joy. Six days after her birth we found out she had severe heart
defects, probably from the progesterone shots I took to avoid miscarrying her. She had
her first and second open heart surgeries at 14 and 15 months of age, along with a 10
week stay in ICU. When we brought her home, I was 8 months pregnant. We took her in
for a post-op check-up to her cardiologist and it was during this visit I began to
hemorrhage in the doctor's office. By God's grace we were next to the doctor's office and
they were able to save my life, but not our baby, Angela Hope. In some ways I feel God
prepared us for her death because we were somewhat (if you ever can be) prepared to say
good-bye to Jessica Joy. I felt the deep aching pain as never before with the death of our
baby. I never knew such pain in my heart. Ten months later we also experienced the
death of another miscarried baby. Again, I wondered if we would be blessed with a live,
healthy baby.
When my husband and I were first married we gave God the control over how many
children we would have. We always joyously welcomed a new pregnancy. But, I never
thought in allowing God to be the Birth Controller, it would also mean to accept when
God said "no more" or "not now". One day during devotions, I came across this verse in
Psalm 113:9: "He maketh the barren woman to keep house and to be a JOYFUL mother
of children. Praise ye the Lord." The next day at a women's meeting at our church the
guest speaker used this same verse, so I really felt God was trying to speak to me through
this. I am so blessed with the 7 living children I have, and my focus should be to be a
JOYFUL mother to them. Once I gave this over to the Lord and accepted that I possibly
would not have any more children, I had such a peace.....and a few months later found
out we were going to have another baby!
The first months were hard during this pregnancy, wondering if I would miscarry. I made
it through that and the pregnancy went very well and I had such a peace through it, until
the end. It was so easy to relate everything then to Angela and I feared so much of
delivering another stillborn baby. Near the end my legs began to swell, and the baby did
not move much and this began scaring me, to the panic attack point. My Christian OB
was wonderful and also saw by ultrasound that the baby was not moving much. He gave
us the option to wait a week or so to see if I went into labor, to plan a c-section for later
that week or go for a c-section that night. There was no hesitation and we opted for a
c-section that night. We feel God's protection was over us and the baby, because the
doctor later told us there were mini abruptions in my placenta. Had we waited, our baby
may have died.
Because of God's grace we do have a new song in our hearts and our home. Our little
Melody Grace was born on December 6, 1999 at 38 weeks, weighing in at 6 lbs. 12 oz.
She is such a delight and we are all in amazement at God's goodness to us. There are
many times I just stare at her in wonder. She certainly does not take the place of any our
our babies, but she has helped bring much healing to our hearts. Tears still come because
we know on this side of heaven we have still missed out on the individuality of the babies
we had to say good-bye to, but heaven is so much sweeter. And our little Melody Grace is
such a sweet reminder of God's grace and how we are enjoying her and watching her
grow with us.
When I hear of other moms who have lost a baby, there have been many times I have
held Melody closely and wept on her, and prayed for the newly bereaved mom and pray
that the mom will someday feel this joy again we feel.
Thank you for letting me share my story and I hope it is of encouragement to other
moms.
Sincerely
Loni Vander Stel
Sierra's Story
My husband, Todd, and I decided to try to have a baby about 1 month or so after we were
married. We were both very young, just 18 and 19. But I knew what I wanted. I wanted a
baby. We found out we were pregnant about 3 1/2 months after we were married. I lost
him one month later. I was around 8-9 maybe even 10 weeks along. They said there was
no baby just tissue. I was only measuring 6-7 weeks when I lost the baby. We decided to
try again just as soon as we could. We thought it would be the same as before as far as
time. We were wrong. We didn't get pregnant again until (and I am not kidding about
this) days with the seventh anniversary of the miscarriage. Our little girl is now 2 years
old. Her name is Sierra Grace. I didn't like the wait, but I will say the Lord taught me alot
during those seven years. And I wouldn't give up the testimony He gave me through my
journey. We are now struggling with secondary infertility. I guess the Lord wasn't
finished with me from before.
Sincerely,
Jonnie
Madison's Story
I am only 24 years old, but I feel like I have lived a lifetime of hurt, anger, fear, and joy. I
was married in 1997 to my wonderful husband William. I was so young and naive. Only
22 and still in college, I knew that I wanted a baby right away. William grew up in
many foster homes and also wanted a family very badly. We were lucky enough to get
pregnant within a month of our marriage. We were so happy, but it was a time of change
and we were just getting used to being married, having a life together, and worrying
about this family we were making. The pregnancy was relatively easy, a few minor
problems here and there. I just loved watching that growing life inside me move all
around. I got closer and closer to my due date but no signs of labor. The day before he
was to be due, we found out that our precious Bryan had passed away. I delivered him the
next day. I thought my life was over. I wanted to die and asked God every day to take me
so I could be with my baby. My arms physically ached everyday and I didn't know if I
could live through this. At first my husband and I were drawn closer. We needed each
others comfort, both physically and mentally. We never used protection after Bryan's
birth, I was so hoping that I would quickly get pregnant again so I could feel that
wonderful feeling of a growing life in my body and so I could finally have a baby of mine
in my arms. Nothing would ever take Bryan's place, but I needed another baby to help
smooth out the edges in the huge rough hole in my heart. Luckily enough, we were able
to get pregnant 3 months after his death. Unfortunately, this put our new baby's due date
the day after Bryan was born and died. I spent many sleepless nights praying to God to let
me have this baby. He answered my prayers and 3 weeks before she was to be due, an
induced labor brought our Madison Elyse to us. At a whopping 8 lbs and 4 oz, she was
perfect. Sometimes I will watch her while she is sleeping and think of her brother. She
looks so much like he did when I held him for those precious few moments. That's how
God let's me know that everything is going to be okay, he let's me see Bryan's face in
Madison.
Sincerely,
Shannon
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