I spent all day sitting with my sis pausing and rewinding this darn thing over and over and over to get word for word what was said all the way down to the ummm and ahhhs so that when you read it you could feel as if you were watching the show and hearing Jon and Jordan's words. I have also added a ton of pics that I freeze framed and added captions of the words the guys spoke at that moment of that pic.   

My goal here is not for you to look at the pics as OMG he's so fine. I did all this cus I think its very important for  the fans to all be able to see and feel the pain that Jonathan was in and how it affected him and Jordan. To better understand them ( as we who saw the show did ) and to be able to like Jonathan put New Kids on the Block at rest but with a good feeling : ) 

Two brothers a rock and ride to stardom, Then it was over. For the first time on  television the form New kid on the block Jonathan Knight and the Terror that drove him from the Stage. You can see him struggling to hold it together. What are you feeling Right Now? This is a panic Attack. Jordan " When he wanted to leave the group I knew Exactly why" Oprah " So how would you hide it all of this time how did you hide it?"

your ok your ok *putting hand on panicked Jonathans shoulder*So imagine feeling like you cant breath your heat is pounding your disorientated and you feel like you are going to die.. This is how *looking at Jonathan and rubbing his back* Oprah"This is how you are feeling right now” Jonathan *in a nervous laugh  "ya oh yes" Oprah "ya ok but your ganna be ok this is how people describe a panic attack. IF you are one of the 19 mil American  that suffer from a anxiety disorder you know how absolutely terrifying it feel to be standing on TV right now if you were having one as it is happing to Jonathan Right now.

For our gusts today this is their living nightmare. The fear of having another panic attack the fear comes so time consuming that at times they cant even leave home. Jonathan Knight knows all this oh to well. You may remember Jonathan from one of the first boy band Phenomena’s New Kids On the Block Remember??" Oprah "ye haw he grew up, he grew up , he grew up. So on the outside he appeared to have it all and on the inside many days he was feeling as you can see him struggling to keep it together. this is Jonathans first time talking about this on television

Take a look at this *shows clip of my Favorite Girl* Oprah " new kids on the block were once the hottest singing groups in the world. Mobbed by frenzy fans where ever they went. They scored 3 multi platinum albums and played at sold out stadiums every night. These 5 teem hear throbs are in the 80 are what  Nsync and back street boys are today. There squeaky clean good looks are what helped to sell everything from posters to pillow cases. But behind the seen one of the boys was secretly suffering from a crippling disorder. Jonathan Knight was suffering from panic Attacks. So severe so devastating he could barely function. Jonathan “ The whole New kid thing was crazy the more It grew the more I felt like I was trapped. I always had this feeling inside me and always nervous and afraid of situations. The hardest thing for me really was just doing interviews, doing talk shows photo sessions being in the studio. Just cus you are with so many different people. You just get shaky your heart just starts s pounding   ummm ya know dry mouth like a little of  what I have right now*giggles*.  The easiest thing for me was to avoid situations.” Oprah “ over come with fear Jonathan stayed back stage while the rest of the bad accepted an American award. When Jonathan could no longer cope with the debilitating panic attacks he up and quit one of the most successful musical groups in history.” Jonathan “  We were in Spain and umm it just really hit me I was like I don’t wanna be here I wanna be home. I don’t wanna  be around this situation any more. Ya know just so much stress and  so much ansioxy.” Oprah “ At age 23 Jonathan became a recluse and disappeared from any sort of public life. He moved to a farm in the country. Where he still lives today coping with his panic disorder.” Jonathan “ From 1994 to 1997 I did NOTHING I slept and slept and slept. If I was awake I had to deal with things I had to do things. And umm in order to avoid that I would just stay in bed. You go through the whole thing to of I’m weird I’m strange ya know. And it just  makes your whole self just shrink down even more. I think it just makes it all worse.”

 Oprah “So  how are  you feeling right now?” Jonathan “ I’m good now"  Oprah Better better “ Jonathan “im good now yes, you should of  been back stage in the green room laughs umm I’m fine.” Oprah “ and so what did you have to do? I think its so brave of you to be here. Cus there are a lot of people who suffer from this who are at home and haven’t been out in years. So the fact that you can be here is HUGE” Jonathan “ Ya im im actually that is one of the reasons I came. Ummm I just wanted to prove that I could do this. And ummm It was hard I mean I just came back from vacation and my vacation was very hard. I was thinking about it every day” Oprah “ about being here sitting in this chair” Jonathan “ ya and I mean its so weird now that Im hre im find I feel I feel  really relaxed right now.” Oprah” This is you relaxed??” Jon and oprah laugh Jonathan “  YA I’m ummm ummm umm feeling really good. I’m feeling good.” Oprah “ ok ok so do you have to have some kind of medication to get you to this state?” Jonathan “ I did this morning I did. Yes” Oprah “ this is with medication” laughing Jonathan “ This is with medication yes” Oprah  “ When was your first panic attack?"  Jonathan “ Ummm the first one I remember was was when I was a little boy. Ummm I remember ummm being in church choir with brother and ummm *I use to get it so bad I would pass out. In the pews of church. And Just pass out.” Oprah “ And what does it feel like we tried to describe it on tape does it doe it feel like.” Jonathan “ ummm I guess the the way to describe it is ummmm I guess when someone jumps out at you. And and ya’know  screams and that adrenalin just goes through your body. And for me every day there is all that adrenalin its just going through your body. And you just feel shaky and and its its always just going through your body. It makes you really tired. And you know a lot of times when I get in situations that I don’t want to deal with Ill just go to bed or Ill just go lay on the couch and just tune everything out.” Oprah “ so how did you survive all those years? Pretending not to feel this with New Kids?” Jonathan “ well for me I think for me Luckily I was in a group. You know I had four other people with me. umm so you know if we did talk shows  you know I had the  the other guys to lean on.” Oprah “ Did they know that you had it this bad?” Jonathan   "I don’t I I I I don’t know I never I never really talked about it. I never I never really talked about it with them.” Oprah “ Did you know it had a name at the time when did you know When what your feeling had a name?” Jonathan “ I never really pause I really never was aware of of what it really was. Ummm ya know I always the effects but it wasn’t until 1997 that I was just like you know something is wrong here I I have to go  talk to a doctor. And I mean a lot of times you feel ashamed you don’t wanna go talk to a doctor your don’t wanna admit you know something is not  wrong with you but something is different. umm you know so I think I I put that off a long time.” Oprah “ so are there certain things that trigger it? I would say like coming on the show?” Jonathan “ yes you trigger it” laughs Oprah “ Im sorry IT made for a bad vacation cus you started anticipating it even?” Jonathan “ yes I should have taken my vacation after this.” Oprah         “You still can” laughs

Oprah “Jonathans brother and heart throb of the group Jordan had his own anxiety  to deal with during the new kid craze You will hear from him when we come right back. Give it to you That was Jordan Knight singing give it to you off his self titled CD. Jordan Knight is very familiar with the fears that his brother still battles as lead singer for New kids on the block he too struggled with an anxiety disorder that almost ended his singing career lets take a look new kid clips he was the darling of the group millions of girls swoomed over his every note. But Jordan Knight lead singer of the band felt the pressure of the spot light just like his older brother Jonathan” *Jordan at piano* “Jordan “ There were a lot of criticism over ummm were we talented could we sing  we manufactured. And I had to prove to these people that we were really good.” Oprah “ The intense grouping from critics had a physical affect on Jordan. And he began having anxiety attacks on stage.” Jordan “ My heart would be pounding, my voice would tremble, some times It would be hard to breath, I would feel my feet on the floor. Definitely during performances I did  definitely just wanna run and get out.” Oprah “ One year after the New kids broke up Jordan copulated a solo career.” *Jordan at microphone* Jordan   “I was worried about me being alone on stage me pulling all the weight and it scared me. So I was like I I got to do something;” Oprah “ If he was ever going to perform again Jordan knew he had to get help.” Jordan “ I bought two or three books  ya know  how to get over anxiety. Some of the tips were to go into this meditated state. And get real calm and get relaxed and picture yourself doing what you fear.” Oprah “ Jordan learned he had to face his fears of performing one step at a time.” Jordan “ What I did first was just go to the piano bar and just watch. And Then I umm got enough courage and  actually go up and sing a song. But I would go incognito at first. Then the next week I would take my glasses off. Then the next week I would take my hat off. Then like he next week I started telling like the piano guy could you play a little faster laughs stuff like that. I think after that It was like I can do it.” *give it to you* Oprah “ So would you say you over came it?” Jordan “ To an extent I mean I’m nervous right now and uhhh  yesterday I was very nervous but ummm I think for the most part shakes head” Oprah “ But your not feeling what he’s feeling right now?” Jordan “ No” Oprah “ were you ever feeling like this?” Jordan “ ummm I think I think he feels it a little more then I do well a lot more. And he always has ummmm  but I always knew what he was going through. And umm I always ya know  had compassion for him when he wanted to leave the group I knew exactly why and I I supported it.” Oprah “ When you all would be performing on stage were you aware that he was having this kind of struggle?” Jordan “ Yes.” Oprah “ You have been sitting here with us for a few minutes and you know we are a very friendly group very friendly group does that help to calm you?” Jonathan “ Ya Ya that defiantly helps.” Oprah “ that helps” Jonathan : ya” Jordan “ I think one thing also when I talked about ahhh  going into a mediated state doing that daily what it does is puts you in the moment. And ummm you get to umm look at everyones faces. That aye ummm the best thing to do is try and be in the moment. To feel the chair and to breath. Take it all in. And ahhh I wasn’t able to do that before it would just be like I just would be so worried just my mind swhhwhhwhhw .” Oprah “ looks at Jonathan That obviously don’t work for you” Jonathan “ no it works for me to an extent.” Oprah “ to an extent” Jonathan “ Yes to an extent” Oprah “ What are you feeling right now?” Jonathan “ Immm just feeling that Id rather be back on Waikiki beach. But ummm” laughs Oprah “ so would we AND ok rather be on Waikiki beach so what else are you feeling right now” Jonathan “ I m ya know I think that it helps knowing that what this show is about. Umm you know when you go on a show and and and if people didn’t know what it was about that makes it worse cus If I sat here and started shaking I would be thinking like your looking at me like is this kid on drugs what’s wrong with him and you know and” Oprah “ Well If I didn’t know what it was about I would thing that ya” Jonathan “ And I would be I would be thinking like the audience is watching me and that just escalates the whole thing even more.and and you just it just starts and it just goes and goes and goes.” Oprah “ cus you think your being judged that’s it” Jonathan “ YES yes” Oprah “ cus you think you would be being judged. Feeling better Jonathan shakes head ya ya we can all breath.

On to next guest *Jonathan crying in audience