But in his voice I heard decay
The plastic face forced to portray
All the insides left cold and gray
There is a place that still remains
It eats the fear, it eats the pain
The sweetest price he'll have to pay
The day the whole world went away.
--Trent Reznor, Nine Inch Nails
I wanted to message his shoulders, wake him from his sleep and wrap him in my arms. I started to reach out to him, but stopped. How was this supposed to go? I engaged in sexual contact with a man for the first time ever last night. With this man, sleeping beside me. It had been a long time since I woke up with a warm body next to me, and never has that said body been a man. I didn't even know what was expected of me right now. Was last night just a fling, a one-time thing? Was I supposed to wake him, ask him to leave? I had been the one who asked him to stay, but...but. My head started to pound. Why did I make things so difficult for myself? If nothing ever happens between Jono and I again, at least I know that I faced my demon. I did what I had been denying myself for years, and I enjoyed it. It felt right. That's why I gave in so easily last night. I had to know. If I had walked away from the encounter feeling disgusted and used, I would know that my urges were unfounded. As it stands, last night was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. And if God wanted to eternally punish me for it, let Him.
I took one last, longing look at Jono and stood. I had training. I had to wake myself up, get my thoughts in order and focus. I would worry about the consequences of my actions later. I walked to my closet quietly, trying not to wake the sleeping form in my bed. If he slept through my alarm clock, I doubted he would wake up from the sound of me dressing, but still. It was the polite thing to do. I dressed silently, my mind still constantly going back to last night. I was so immersed in my thoughts that I didn't even notice I put my shirt on backwards until I heard a mental chuckle. I looked to the bed and saw Jono sitting up, watching me, his eyes crinkled in his version of a smile.
*'Avin' problems, mate?*
"I thought you vere sleeping." He rubbed his eyes with his knuckles like a baby and it was the cutest thing.
*How can I sleep when I get ter watch yer get dressed?* I looked away, feeling heat travel up my face, glad he couldn't see it. I suddenly felt uncomfortable. What was I supposed to say? I'd never been in this awkward next-morning phase. *Wot's wrong, luv?* What was wrong? Why couldn't I just say something suave, something intelligent? I have never had this problem before. I just shook my head.
"No'zing. Feel free to use ze bathroom. I have to go." Mein Gott, I was an idiot. I felt his gaze on my back as I walked to the door and I hesitated. I could say something now to lighten the mood, but my insecurities got the best of me, and I left, closing the door behind me.
All through my training I couldn't concentrate. My thoughts swirled on Jono and how I just left him there. Guilt twisted inside me, a familiar feeling. Guilt, to me, was like an old friend. We may have parted our ways a few times, but it always came back to visit. Scott, of course, scolded me for losing focus. It wasn't like me, he'd said. No, it wasn't, I'd agreed. Anything wrong, he'd asked. I had to keep the smirk off my face.
I walked back to my room after assuring Scott I just hadn't slept well and I'd be fine. It was empty. No Jono. No evidence that he'd even been there. He even made-up the bed. I took a shower and washed all the grime and sweat off of me. My showers usually take a while since I have to use special conditioners for my fur (actually, Henry is the one who makes it, he just shares it with me), so I had plenty of time to reflect on things. I really like Jono, no doubt about it. He's a good kid...kid! He practically was a kid! Definitely younger than I'm used to. But, still. He's got a good heart, even if he would disagree by saying he no longer has one. He absolutely deserved more than how I treated him this morning. That's when I decided I would talk to him. I couldn't just leave it where it was.