*Who is it?* his deep mental voice asked.
"It is Kurt, Jono. May I come in?" There was silence for a while, and I began to wonder if he'd heard me. After all, I could hear some music from inside.
*Now is not a good time, Kurt.* My jaw clenched. Mocking my words from yesterday, was he? Two could play that game.
"Jono, please open ze door. I need to speak vith you, and I'm sure you vould not vant me saying vhat needs to be said in ze hallvay." I heard a frustrated grunt, then his clunking footsteps. The door swung open quickly.
*Fine,* he said, and flopped back down on his bed. I stepped in cautiously and closed the door.
"I vant to apologize. I left you zis morning vit'out any kind vords." He crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes cold. He wouldn't look at me.
*No, I compeletly understand. Yer don' have ter explain. I'm used ter it by now. Yer did whatcha needed with me.* I staggered from his words. It was like he'd scooped my heart out with a spoon.
"Jono--"
*No, really! I told yer I understand! Wot more do yer want from me?! Another fuck? One fer the road?!* He stood then, his nostrils flaring--a definite sign, I've noticed, of his anger.
"Jono, it's not like zat--"
*Sure it is! I told yer, I'm used ter it. Besides, what good am I ter yer, looking the way I do?*
I have an abundance of patience, but he was quickly wearing it thin. Slowly, my own anger was rising. "Jono, I am going to say zis once. Let. Me. Talk. Do not interrupt." He snorted, and I took that as an agreement, no matter how unattractive. "You looking ze vay you do has no'zing to do vith vhy I acted ze vay I did zis morning. If zat vas ze reason, I think I vould be a hypocrite, ja? You zink you are ze only one who has issues vith how you look?! I vas born zis vay! Ze only place I could call home vas ze circus!" I stopped myself from going on further. This was not why I was here. "I came here to apologize. Vill you accept it?"
He truned away from me then, and his shoulders shook. *I know I'm not much, mate. I know. I was told it all me life. I'm even less now, not even able ter kiss yer...I thought you were ashamed o'me,* he said, his deep mental voice cracking into a sob. I was by his side instantly, my arms around his shoulders. He looked at me through streaming eyes and my heart lurched. How could I have ever left him the way I did? In that moment I realized he was a Godsend. How could I have not seen it earlier?
"Nein, Jono, of course not," I told him in a soothing voice. "I vould never be ashamed of you. I am ashamed of myself for acting ze vat I did. I vas scared."
*Why?* he sniffed.
"Becuase I have never been in zis situation before. It is all new to me. Vhen I voke up zis morning, I vas not sure vhat to do. I...I vasn't sure if you vould vant me...again." It was my turn to look away.
*Are yer crazy?* he asked, his voice hushed. I felt the faint brush of fingertips on my cheek, and I turned to him. His eyes were large and watery, but so full of adoration. *I don't know what I did ter deserve yer.* His hand fell back ter his side. *Don' know what I did ter deserve a lot o'things in me life. But yer definitely one of the best, sunshine.* My throat tightened and my eyes stung. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and let him know how much I needed to hear that. I actually started to do just that when he spoke again. *An' maybe that's why we should forget about wot 'appened last night.*
"Vhat?" I asked, because surely I had heard wrong. Forget about it?
*I fuck up everythin' I touch, Kurt. I don't want that ter happen ter yer. I don't want ter walk away from this place regretting. Fer once in me pathetic, tortured exsistance, I would like ter look back and tell meself that I didn't screw someone over; that I didn't ruin anyone else's life.*