AJ raced down the stairs and pulled open the door after hearing the doorbell chime. It was about time Jenna got here, he thought after waiting all day. He'd wanted to go pick her up at the airport as soon as she arrived, but she told him she had to visit with her family first, and that she'd be over as soon as she could. Finally, late in the evening, she was here, and his long wait was over.
There she stood. Her eyes the same deep captivating blue they'd always been, her blond hair curled into loose waves. He was breath-taken, and her beaming smile only made him happier.
"Hi." She finally said, leaping into his awaiting arms. "Sorry it took me so long to get here. You know how my family is."
"Wouldn't let you leave huh?"
"Nope."
"Well at least you're here now." He sighed, unable to stop his heart from racing as he held onto her tight.
"I missed
you." She said, kissing him softly on the lips, much to his own surprise
and delight. The surprise growing more as she continued to kiss him
harder and with more passion.
AJ stirred in the bed, reaching over to touch Jenna, wishing she'd curl back into his embrace. His eyes only opening when his hand met with the cold sheets next to him and not her warm body. He sat up, looking around the room, trying to adjust his eyes to the light. The clock next to the bed told him it was 4:12 am.
He got up out of the bed, pulling on the boxer shorts he'd discarded earlier, wondering where she'd gone in the middle of the night. He saw the light shining from within his 'celebrity' room when he went downstairs. Technically what someone would call the 'music' room, but the one that housed his awards and certifications, all his Backstreet Boys stuff. He wondered why she'd be in there, she'd seen it all before, the pictures, the fame.
He saw her sitting on the floor on the far side of the room as he stood in the doorway, staring down at a photo album she'd pulled from the shelf above her. He stood back and watched her for a moment, wrapped in a sheet she'd managed to pull from the bed without waking him. He smiled knowing she had nothing else to wrap around herself without going into his closet, but he was curious as to why she didn't turn the page, even after he'd stood there for ten minutes.
AJ walked into the room and crept up behind her, not intentionally trying to be quiet, he just didn't want to disturb her fixed gaze. He peered over her shoulder, looking down at what had her so transfixed.
A picture of Nick stared back at him, taken a few years ago in a place he couldn't even remember anymore. She traced the outline of his face with her finger, running over his lips and his eyes, and staring at it more intently than she'd ever looked at him.
"You're never gonna love me like that are you?" He stated quietly, turning away from her before she could even look his way. He heard the book thump to the floor as he made his way back upstairs, followed by her calls to him.
"Al, please wait!" She screamed as she ran up the stairs behind him. Only catching up to him as he walked back into the bedroom. 'Wait."
"Why? So I can hear whatever reason you're gonna give me for fawning over Nick's picture for god knows how long. I don't need a reason Jenny, I know the reason. I just want to know why you're playing with me like this?"
"I'm not playing with you."
"Then why? Why did you go down there? Why did you leave my bed in the middle of the night to go look at a picture of Nick?"
"I got up to get a drink of water Al. I just didn't think I could get back to sleep and I wanted to see what you've amassed since the last time I was here. I told you you'd win one before you died." She shrugged.
"Don't change the subject Jen."
"I w-"
"I just don't understand why you'd do this to me." He said with a shake of his head.
"Don't blow it out of proportion Alex, it was nothing, I was just looking at some pictures."
"No, you we're looking at ONE picture." He yelled. "So did that mean nothing at all Jenna?" AJ asked, throwing his hand towards the disheveled sheets on the bed.. "I won't be your fuck toy, and as much as I never thought I'd say this, if I can't have you completely, I don't want you at all."
"You're not a fuck toy." She said, barely able to spit the harsh words out as she sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Is that the only reason you came down here Jenna? So you could get some?" He said pacing back and forth in front of her, ignoring the way she rubbed her temples like she had a migraine.
"No Alex." She cried. "It's not like that."
"That's what it feels like to me Jenna. You know how I feel. I love you so fucking much I'm willing to do things I never dreamed I was capable of doing. And here I thought you loved me too, I actually fooled myself into believing that's why you came here. But no, you get me to fly you to Florida, you use me like a cheap whore, when the whole time you'd leave me in a second if Nick knocked on that door."
Jenna sat silently, staring down at the shaggy carpet on the floor, tears flowing steadily from her eyes.
"I mean, seriously Jenna. Did you come here to see me, or did you come here hoping you'd run into Nick? Or is that where you went this afternoon? To Nick's? That's it isn't it, you went to see him. After everything that little bastard did to you I can't believe you'd even consider it, but frankly it wouldn't surprise me. Did you sleep with him and then come sleep with me?" He asked as the appalling thoughts came to his mind.
"I didn't go visit Nick or sleep with him, I'm not even talking to him, and I didn't come here so I could see him. I came to see you, I came here to be with you." She cried. "But I want to talk to Nick, I won't lie about that. I don't like how we left things."
"You're incredible ya know that Jenna?" He said with a shake of his head. "I just can't fathom why you'd want to be friends with someone who's completely screwed you over? It just doesn't make sense to me. You and I break up and for all you cared I was lying in a ditch dead somewhere. But you break up with super Nick and for nine months you can't stop thinking about him for one bloody second. Even while you're having sex with another man."
"That's not true." Jenna muttered. "I cared."
"Like hell you did!" He screamed, turning away from her and leaving the room. He slammed the door hard behind him, and stalked downstairs, wishing he had something he could break. Preferably someone's neck.
He could hear her crying upstairs, and although he was more angry at her than he'd ever been in his whole life, he still felt the need to comfort her. AJ couldn't believe how fast his life was crumbling before him. The delusions of happiness he'd imagined with Jenna were shattering like a mirror holding his own reflection, cutting him deep. He pulled a glass from the dishwasher and pressed it against the ice dispenser on the refrigerator, watching the cubes clink into it. He opened a cabinet door and pulled down a half empty bottle, pouring the amber liquid into the glass until it reached the top. He couldn't hear her tears anymore as he moved to the living room, sitting down on a couch and staring down at the drink in his hand.
"Alex, please." She said meekly, stepping into the room. He looked up, irritated that he still found her beautiful, standing before him in the darkness, wearing one of his shirts. He knew she could see the pain in his face, and in the tears he knew were sliding down his cheeks.
"I don't want to hear anymore Jenny. I can't take more, it'll kill me." She walked beside him, moving his glass away, kneeling on the floor next to him. He turned his cheek away as she reached up to wipe it dry.
"Alex, my whole life I've never had anything but disappointment from the people I've allowed myself to fall in love with. You broke my heart when you left me, and Nick hurt me so much more than I ever thought a person could get hurt. I'm just not ready to give it away again, I'm too scared. I don't know why I came here, I just heard how much you wanted me here in your voice and I came. I know you love me, and I love that you do, and I do love you Al. I just can't be in love with you like you need me to be right now. You have been so amazingly good to me since this whole fiasco with Nick started, and I know I don't deserve someone like you in my life."
"Fuck that Jenna, I have put my life on hold for you. I've turned down dates, I've turned down everything, just because I know deep down I love you and I'd rather have you than anyone else in the world. You have been all I can think about, all I can breathe. Why did you even come here if it wasn't to be with me completely. You know I want more than your body Jenny. I already said it once tonight. If you can't give me all of you, I'd rather have nothing."
"Al, can't we b-" AJ stopped her before she could finish.
"Don't even ask if we can be friends Jenny. We don't work as friends, especially not 'friends with benefits'."
"I thought you were seeing someone else. I mean you talked about someone. I heard someone."
"I was talking about you!" He yelled incredulously. "That person I was so in love with was you and the only person you could have heard was my friend Kayla, there's been no one Jenny. You were it for me."
"I'm sorry." She said with one big sigh. "So, do you want me to leave?"
"I don't know Jen. I just can't help but feel like I've wasted so much time waiting for things to be right for us to be together. Part of me knows I should have just left well enough alone when you moved to Chicago, but then there's the part inside me that's just screaming to keep trying. What do you want me to do about the screams Jen? If you think I should listen to them and wait, stay. But if you think I should just move on, then go, make it easier for me."
He glanced at her one more time before picking his glass up off the table, leaving the room and locking himself in a spare bedroom, ignoring her desperate pleas from the other side. He laid down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, wishing his perpetual nightmare would end.
The moment AJ awoke in the morning and left the bedroom, he knew Jenna had left. The house seemed quiet and empty, almost too quiet. He walked upstairs just to be sure, but she was nowhere to be found. Her things were gone, her rental car was gone. She was gone. Even though he'd asked her too, he was still crushed.
He hated giving her the ultimatum, telling her he wanted all or nothing, when he knew deep down he'd be happy with any part of her life, even just a tiny fraction. It was just a last ditch effort, in hopes that maybe she'd finally realize she didn't want to lose him, that she'd finally give herself completely to him, knowing he'd give her up. It just killed him to see her staring so lovingly at Nick's picture, after all the time that had passed, after everything Nick had done to her, she still cared. He couldn't understand why. All he could do now was hope that she still cared about him too.
AJ returned to his own bedroom, laying down on the sheets that were still twisted on the bed. The reality of what had happened sinking into his head. He didn't know what he'd do without Jenna in his life. He just didn't know.