Kayla's brother had hesitantly agreed to drive her into the city after Nick had called to say he was staying at the Hyatt. She wanted to be the bitch and refuse to talk to him, to stand him up and go back to Florida without telling him, but she couldn't say no when she saw the crushed look in his eyes last night.  She knew he was genuinely worried about her, and she was more than mildly curious about what he had to say to her, even though she knew it could potentially hurt her even more.

They're probably getting married, she thought cynically, sitting in the passenger seat of the car, twisting her mind over him as she watched the scenery go by.  She still felt a little weak, the effects of the flu she'd had since she came to Dallas were still there, but she was sick of being stuck in bed.    She wanted to feel good, and she wanted to look good, the small part of her brain that wanted to punish Nick wanted him to be breathtaken when he saw her.  She hoped he would be.

She looked over at her brother who was silent as they drove into the city, humming along to the country tunes on the radio, but who started talking when he noticed she was looking at him.

    "So, who's this Nick guy anyway?" He asked.

    "No one, an old friend.  He's in the same group as AJ is."

    "The same band, or the same type of person."

    "Both I guess." She said with a knowing laugh.  "Why do you wanna know anyway?"

    "I'm just curious about him, that's all.  I mean for him to come all the way from Florida because he heard you were sick-"

    "Jeremy," She interrupted. "He thought I tried to kill myself.   Next time you send out a message that I'm sick, make sure you explain it a little better, not because I passed out on some pills."

    "Sorry." He said meekly.  "But seriously Kay, he stood outside your room last night and just stared at you with this weird expression on his face.  There's obviously something besides an old friendship, isn't there?" He said, pulling the big brother role. "Wait, before you answer leave out anything that might traumatize me."

Kayla laughed, she wasn't about to spill details on her sex life, or lack there of to her brother anyway.  "There's a lot of residue between us.  I'm just gonna leave it at that."

    "Good residue, or bad residue."

    "Have you ever heard of good residue Jer?"

    "So then why are you going to see him?"

    "I don't know." She said with a shake of her head.  "To put closure on things I guess."

    "Is that all?"

    "Don't try to play dad, I don't need it!"  He looked at her with a defensive stance.  "There's the Hyatt, take a left at the lights."

    "I know Kay, I do live here....you're so bossy."  He replied, making the turn and pulling up to the front of the building.

    "I don't know how long I'll be Jeremy." She said as she opened the door of the car.  "So just go and don't worry about me, I'll rent a car or take a cab or something okay!"

    "I can't just leave you in the city." He whined.  Kayla rolled her eyes, he was supposed to be the older one.

    "You can and you will." She stated, changing her tone from demanding, to pleading.  "This could take awhile.  Please."

Finally he conceded and she shut the door to the car, looking up at the posh hotel that stood in front of her.  He couldn't just stay at some HoJo's could he?  She wondered with a shake of her head.  Kayla smoothed out her clothes in the reflection of the glass doors before they were opened by the doorman, she thanked him as she went inside, her nerves growing.

    This is such a mistake, she thought to herself as she entered the elevator, pressing the button to the 17th floor and holding her breath as she rose.  Just go in there, hear what he has to say, and then leave, she stated as the doors opened again and she walked down the hall to his room.

His hotel door opened almost immediately the moment her knuckles hit the wood.  She tried to mask her emotion as she looked at him, he was a tough part of her life to face, so many mixed feelings in her mind about the short time she had spent being a part of his world.  He looked like he hadn't slept all night, and he still wore the same clothes he had on the day before, presumably because he hadn't brought any more with him.

    "I'm glad you came." Nick said quietly, breaking their silence.

    "Don't make me regret it." She replied, trying to put on a tough front as she walked past him into the room. Regretting the words and her tone the minute she said it.

    "You look better." He said, shutting the door behind them.  "Are you feeling all right?"

    "Yeah, I'm fine.  Look, I don't mean to be rude Nick, but just say what you need to say...my brother's waiting for me." She lied.

    "Will you at least come sit down with me?" He asked, gesturing to the couches that sat near the large windows overlooking the city.

    "Yeah I guess." She said.  She sat on one end of the couch, watching him pull one of the matching chairs in front of her.  His closeness made her uncomfortable, like he had boxed her in and she had nowhere to go, but she assumed that was his point.   She didn't want to look him in the eyes, she just wished he'd start talking and get one of the most uncomfortable situations she had ever been in out of the way, so she could leave and put him behind her for good.
 

        Nick was waiting for her to look him in the eye before he began talking, but every bitter feeling she had towards him was in plain view.  Her anger was intimidating, and the way she stared out the window, or at the walls of the room to avoid looking at him made it even worse.

    He had spent the whole night tossing and turning in the bed, trying to think of every little thing he wanted and needed to say to her.  He was still adding to the list when she knocked on the door.  She wasn't making this any easier on him, but he didn't expect her to.  He licked his lips and tried to speak, wishing he had water or something to drink, something that would build up his courage enough to say what he needed to say.

    "Nick." She scolded. "I told you my brother was waiting, if you aren't going to talk there's no point in me being here."

    "I'm sorry." Nick said tentatively.  He didn't think this would be so hard to say.  Telling her about Jenna had felt easier.

    "Kayla," He began again.  "So much has happened to me from the time I met you.  I'm so different from how I used to be and I've been thinking a lot about how you never would have imagined  the person I was before I met you.  The person you first came to work for wasn't me, that was a bitter, depressed shell of a human being and you still managed to tolerate me, or at least pretend." He laughed, watching as she tried not to smile.

    "You found me when I was bottomed out and you didn't let me stay there, you wouldn't.  Nobody else did that for me." He said with a shake of his head.  "Not my family, not my friends, not anyone I knew. No one, but you.  Don't you see that?  I don't know how much longer I could have gone on feeling the way I did, before I snapped or just went totally insane."

She still wouldn't respond to him, her eyes looked at a painting on the wall, and her arms were folded defensively across her chest.  It felt like he was talking to the wall, but he continued regardless.

    "Kayla," He said moving so she was forced to look at him.   "You know how much Jenna meant to me, I told you as much when we talked about her a long time ago;  and I'm not saying that to upset you or make you mad, it's just that what I had with her was great, I'm not going to deny that, but I made a lot of mistakes where she was concerned.  But none were as stupid as the mistake I made when I  let you go.

I thought I could go back to the happiness I once had, and I didn't even see that what I had with you was more happiness than I ever deserved."   She turned her head again to loose his eyes, her jaw clenching tight as she looked down into her own lap, pulling her arms free and picking at her fingernails.

    "I woke up one morning and I realized that I didn't even feel like myself anymore, I didn't know who I was.  I wanted to be me, and I wanted to be the old me that Jenna knew.  But I realized we aren't the same person, and we could never be the same person.  I didn't want to be the person Jenna knew, I wanted to be the person I became because of you.  I wanted to make things right with you."  He said taking her hands in his, she didn't pull from his touch.

    "Oh god, that just sounded so stupid." He cried in frustration.  "I'm sorry Kayla, I haven't slept and I  haven't eaten anything but a $7 chocolate bar from the mini-bar, so I can't think straight and I have all this stuff I'm trying to say and it's all coming out messed up."

    "It's fine." She finally replied, her words not as biting as before.  "I understood what you said.  Are you done?" She asked, he shook his head 'no', breathing a sigh that she was willing to keep listening.  Her gaze once again falling away from his.

    "Jenna and I decided neither of us were the same people, we couldn't go back to how we used to be, because we aren't in love with each other anymore."

    "Kayla, please look at me." He said with a fragileness in his voice that he'd never heard before, her head finally turning his way.  "I took everything you gave me completely for granted, including your love, and if I could take it all back I would in a heartbeat...I never wanted to hurt you, and I actually deluded myself into believing I hadn't, but when I saw the look in your eyes at AJ's, the same look you're giving me now.   I wanted to crumble into dust, I wanted to be able to take away all of the pain I caused you and feel it along with my own."  Her eyes were filling with tears, the same tears he felt in his own.

    "Kayla you have to believe me when I say this, because its the gods honest truth, as much I once loved Jenna... I love you more, and you mean more to me than anything in this world." He said.

    "Nick, if you loved me.  If you really honestly loved me, going back to Jenna wouldn't have been an option." Kayla said flatly.

    "I know Kayla, believe me I realize how stupid I am, and how much of an asshole you probably think I am because of it.  I've made more mistakes in my life than I'll ever admit, but the biggest mistake I've made was letting you go."

    "Bigger than Jenna?" Kayla said bitterly.

    "Yes."

        She didn't know how to respond.  Here he was saying all the things she'd wished he'd said when they were together, and now she just didn't have enough strength to believe a word of it.  He looked at her with a look of desperation on his face, his blond hair messed up just enough so it fell near his eyes.

    "Nick," She began, saddened in many ways by what she was about to tell him, but still angered by everything that had happened.  "I want to believe you, I do.  But you just hurt me too much.  And as much as I wanted to hear everything you just told me, it could never be enough to make me trust you again.  All I'd do is wake up every morning wondering if today was the day you realized you'd made another mistake.  I can live my life in paranoia."

    "But-"

    "Just listen please." She said softly.  "Before I met you I'd been burned before, and all I managed to salvage out of that relationship was a small friendship and a lot of bitterness.  I don't think you have any idea of what you really did to me do you?" Kayla asked rhetorically.  "This isn't something a mere sorry could ever fix.   I don't have an ounce of trust for you anymore, and I don't know if I ever will again.  I don't know if you came here trying to get me to forgive you, or trying to get our relationship back.  But Nick, we could never be together again, and  at this point even  a friendship between us is questionable."

He turned his head away from her, much like she had just been doing.

    "So there's nothing I can say?" He finally said, staring down at the cream colored carpet below.

    "I'm sure somewhere and someday there's something you could say, but right here and right now there isn't."  She said, standing up, making her way to the door.  There was more she wanted to say, but she couldn't, even if she ended up regretting it later on.  They'd both had enough.

    "You do believe me don't you?" He asked, still sitting in the chair, his hands folded under his chin.

    "I want to." She said with a pause at the end.

    "But you can't." He finished, getting up from his seat and making his way towards her.

    "You said it, not me." Kayla shrugged as he opened the door for her.

He grabbed her wrist as she turned to leave, "Kayla I'm-"

    "I'm sorry too." She sighed as his hand let go, the lingering feeling of his skin against hers remained. "Maybe, Nevermind."

    "Maybe what?" He asked with a hopeful look on his face.

    "Nothing,"  She said quietly, stepping out of the room. "Just have a safe trip back okay."

    "You too."

She took one last look at him before hesitantly answering. "I'm not going back."

    "Oh." Nick said as the expression on his face dropped even more if it was possible.  "Well-"

    "Bye Nick." Kayla said with finality and she turned towards the elevators.

    "Bye Kayla." She heard from his doorway, as she walked away as quickly as she could.  Tears streamed down her face as she waited for the elevator, hoping he wouldn't follow her.  She didn't want him to see her cry.  She wasn't going to set herself up to be hurt again, no matter how much she wanted to forgive Nick.  It just came down to trust, and that was something she didn't have for him anymore.  It would be a long time before she'd be able to trust anyone ever again, especially herself.

Epilogue

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