| Some funny quotes... |
| Stewie- I have a present for you. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster. |
| Lois- Meg, could you change Stewie? Meg- Fine... But this time, if a boy calls, don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy. |
| Stewie- It's an H sound, you twit! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Eliza- Ew! Your breath smells like kitty litter! Stewie- I was curious! |
| Peter- I've got it! An idea so great that my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about... |
| Stewie- Meally mouthed crotch phesant! |
| Stewie- Okay, okay, one more. Rob Lowe? Hair dresser- Straight. Stewie- No way! Come on! Really? Wow... He hides it well. Hair dresser- Oh, he wishes. |
| Man in audience #1- Mr. Griffin's right! Cigarettes pollute the air, and according to recent polls, air is good! Man in audience #2- Cigarettes killed my father... And raped my mother! |
| Doctor- Well Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose glow. Rudolph- Is it pixie dust... or leprachaun tails? Doctor- No, it's a tumor. Rudolph- Like a magical tumor? Doctor- No, a maligment tumor, of which is lodged deep inside your brain. Rudolph- Oh... Like a happy special--- Doctor- You're going to die. |
| Doctor- Mrs. Carter... I'm sorry... But... You have cancer. Mrs. Carter- Oh my god! Announcer- Got milk? |
| Peter- That was great! Maybe next time we can get Meg to be Boss Hard and Chris can be Anus. Brian- It's Enus. Peter- What'd I say? Brian- Anus. Peter- Ha ha ha! |
| Meg- And in the city, glasses are considered really sexy. Hick boy- Dang... I hope her brother don't already got dibs on her! 4 year old hick girl- My daughter would absolutely love you. |
| Stewie- Alright, where's the wire?! Lois- Stewie, go to bed! Stewie- This doesn't involve you, Lois! Lois- I don't want to have to come in there. Stewie- And I don't want to have to come in there! |
| Jewish boy- Papa! He killed Morticai, the dancing Yittish clown! Father- Stop crying! You just became a man, now act like one! |
| Meg- Mom, I made flag girl! Lois- Oh Meg, that's great! Stewie- Yeah... Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call! |
| Young Peter- Why did all the dinosaurs die? Museum tour man- Because you touch yourself at night. |