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When Roses Grow Black Chapter 13 "You wouldn't understand," I bit my lip trying not to cry in front of Kevin. He sighed, frustrated and gave me an annoyed look that soon softened. "You're being discharged from here today....What are we going to do with you then??" he asked sitting back down in the chair. "Let me be on my way," I said as if it were dumb of him for even asking. "I don't think so. And we can't bring you home since you don't remember it. Soooo..." Kevin trailed off leaving wondering what he had in mind. I had missed the uncomfortable expression on his face. Had missed the signs of what he was going to say next. I thought it was completely ludicrous that they felt obligated to me. I was perfectly fine on my own before, I didn't understand why they wouldn't just leave me be. "So? So what?? Just let me go, and leave me alone!! I'm a big girl and can take care of myself," I persisted bull headed. "We're going to leave you in the state's custody," Kevin finally told me and looked me straight in the eye so I would believe him. My first thoughts were to scream at him in outrage and try and tear him apart from head to toe. Then repeat the process to the other four. I stayed silent. My second urge was to scream and cry while begging him to take me with him on tour, and not dump me in foster care. I had never been a ward of the state and never planned to be. I stayed silent. My third urge was to seek eternal rest. I wanted to die knowing the situation I had gotten myself into. I wanted the easy way out, and not have to face the world going on around me. Then it dawned on me. I began laughing. It wasn't my normal laugh, it didn't even sound like me. It was deep and maniacal. It sound like the man from my dreams' laugh. 'My immortal enemy,' I thought bitterly. Only later would I factor in that one lonely thought of that solitary moment of complete insanity. Kevin had been watching me for any type of reaction at all from his words. I watched his eyes widen and brow furrow in confusion as his jaw dropped while I laughed on. He was dumbfounded by these turn of events and sat frozen in his seat. We continued like that for about two or three minutes before two nurses along with Howie and Brian came running in. After that, it all went black. The boys still bug me from time to time about what exactly I was laughing at. I never told them that not even I knew that one. I think Kevin knows as much as I do, but only because he was there and watched the insanity glaze over my eyes. I was laughing at my desperation. At the hopelessness I had sunk in to. I had gone numb both physically and mentally from everything that had been wearing me down over those past several years. Until that one breaking point where my mind decided to give up, and give in to the madness. The insanity wrapped itself around me and stuck like a spider's web to a helpless fly. It threw reason out the window and beat away every ounce of pain left in my body. Each breath I breathed with it in my system I felt more invincible and less able to be hurt. My mind was preparing me to commit suicide.Next: Chapter 14 |