Somewhere in there, I started to interfear with wounds. I don't know exactly when. I can't remember a time that I haven't done it. I thought it was just a thing that kids do. I had no idea there was such a thing as Self Injury. I had no idea there was such a thing as Trichotillomania.
I stopped sucking my thumb the summer in between my 6th and 7th grade years. Hoping that I would "grow up" more, and have better friends in a new school. I did find some friends, but not any really close ones. I just felt like I never fit in with anyone.
In high school, my first year was horrible. The few friends that I did have were now on their own paths, and we didn't have any classes together. I didn't know anyone in my lunch period. The first half of that year was horrible. I spent lunches eating by myself, I never went to dances and can count the times I smiled on one hand.
Finally, I found a friend...or she found me. Things looked up. But, she was a senior, and my sophmore year was back to the same old loneliness. I made friends through some of my classes, and clubs. By that time, my one true friend was in highschool. I switched my class schedule around just to be in the same lunch. I could not take another year of it all by myself. It was a great year. As was Junior year. I flunked math classes, but exelled in science and english. Normal stuff.
Senior year, I was great...for a while. I started forging my mother's signature to get out of classes. I made excuses to go to the nurse to take Tylenol. I bought over-the-counter Asthma medicine. I took Tylenol like it was candy. I rarely ate anything, and when I did, it was junk. I stayed out late, and never cared what my parents said.
I barely graduated high school. To this day, I'm still not sure how I passed my classes. I had missed so many days, never did my homework, and when I was there, I wasn't paying attention. Always goofing around. It was a pure miracale that I did graduate.
That summer I went even more wild than before. I was hardly ever home. Lied to my parents. I ran around with a bad crowd.. I only worked a job so that I could get money for drugs, alcohol and mostly pizza for food. Then in the middle of summer, I met a man. After lots of fun, and things ending up for the better, we got married. Now, almost 6 years after meeting we have three beautiful children, and a wonderful marriage. And I do love him!
So, I'll bet you're wondering where SI and Trich come into all of this? What caused me to do this? Where's the horrible childhood, the tramatic experiances?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I had a wonderful childhood. I have many happy memories, despite the teasing at school, and having few close friends. I have no memory of any abuse or trauma. Sure, there were a few scarey things that happened, but nothing that I can associate with my problems today.
Do I really SI? Yes. I do. Self Injury is wound interfearence, it is Trichotillomania. Even though I haven't cut...I have had thoughts of wanting to. Luckily, I was able to find someone to talk me out of it. That time. I know there will be more times. I don't know if I'll be able to find someone to talk to all of those times.
I self injure. I'm getting help from professionals, I want to stop. I can't do it on my own.
