| *Kelda Khronicles* |
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| It's Not So Easy- Part 2 |
| This is going to be a continuation of an article I wrote last week. In that article, I discussed the safety issues that arise after you leave an abuser. That’s just one aspect of what a survivor has to deal with after abuse. There are tons more factors involved after you leave. Factors I think that are highly over looked by the general public that thinks that leaving an abuser is the answer to a domestic violence situation. This comes from the same group of society that can’t fathom why so many stay with their abusers for so long. The same group of people who think all the answers lie in leaving the abuser and that a survivors life instantly and magically gets so much easier after they become survivors. Boy, is that part of the population ever dead wrong. Not only are there safety issues to contend with, there are huge emotional repercussions to leaving, too. Yet another reasons why I cannot and will not ever blame someone for staying in an abusive relationship. Emotionally, life is frightening during and after you leave. A really good support system is needed to get through the whole process. If you know anything about abusers, you know this is the first thing they take away from their victims. Regaining access to that support is harder after you’ve suffered from domestic violence. Yet, it’s essential to recovering emotionally. A catch 22. For me, leaving my husband involved a lot of dumb luck with a dash of quick thinking thrown into the mix and just a pinch of planning prior to. My family did most of the planning when I finally admitted to them I couldn’t take anymore. I just gave them all the information they needed. It didn’t happen the way it was planned. I’ve talked to others who say the same thing- plan all you want, it rarely works out like you plan. The really weird thing is that I felt pretty darn guilty when I decided to leave. No, I was not crazy nor was I mentally deficient. I really wanted my marriage to work and felt like I maybe I was throwing in the towel too early. I hate being a quitter and never have been one. I was also abused and conditioned to feel guilt when I knew I was doing something I knew my husband would hate and/or something that might lead him to hurt. I later found that this guilt was normal and just part of the emotional processing that takes place when you decide to leave. The feeling of guilt turned into fear. Not just any kind of fear, but intense horror movie fear. I was so scared in fact that I was worried he’d just be able to tell I was making plans to escape his abuse and he’d make sure I didn’t leave. If he found out I was going to leave him, I’d probably not be writing this now. I’d probably be dead. Not many people know what it’s like to live in constant fear of their lives. Not many people have to sneak out of their houses at midnight while their captor sleeps to use a pay phone. I remember walking home one night from using the phone and realizing how much I could relate to Sally Field’s character in the movie ‘Not Without My Daughter’. The danger I was putting myself in was absolutely terrifying. The act of planning to leave seemed more dangerous and life threatening than the abuse I endured every day. The day I left, my husband hit me, pushed me and threatened my life. He didn’t do this because he knew I was leaving. He did this because I wanted to take a walk without him after we argued. The only reason we argued was because I asked him where he was going. I ended up calling my sister and telling her it had to be that day that I leave while my husband made a scene on the street corner for me doing so. The process of leaving took two long days. I left that morning we argued and was taken to safety. My possessions and pets weren’t. I worried about my cats, so much in fact that it was the first thing out of my mouth when I first contacted my family. ‘Are my cats safe?’ I was relieved when my mother told me they were. I have never been so relieved in my life. The rest of those two days are now just a blur in my mind of visual memories and a flood of strong emotions. In no way do I think I was ready emotionally prepared to leave. I also had no idea the feelings I would have to deal with. I had no clue what would take place on my long road recovery. (a recovery I’m still in the process of going through) I had no idea what I had taken away from me mentally by my husband. While in an abusive relationship, you are non-human and can’t have any emotions not regulated by the abuser. And the abuser is simply not interested in how much you’ve actually been hurt by him. He doesn’t want to know about any true and honest feelings you may have, even if they don’t pertain to abuse. He’s not interested in talking about you. Why? It doesn’t involve him and abusers are self-absorbed people. It doesn’t take long for a victim to catch on to these facts. To not bury any emotions and read from the abusers script is dangerous and causes bruises. Victims comply for self-preservation, so they can survive the abuse. That two-day process of leaving dredged up overwhelming emotions. Emotions I had buried. Once I was settled into my new home, I had to turn those emotions off. I was too exhausted to deal with them. I could no longer swim through the flood. I had other things more pressing to deal with too, like trying to re-establish a life, a home and preparing for a baby. |