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As
we journey back in time
This is a picture of me less than Five years ago. Within 8 month I gained over 80lbs.
I have spent most of my life (I know since I was 5) being over weight I have
yo-yoed most of my life thinking I was going to start my own diet as young as 6
years old (this was my on doing (NON Parental) what a joke once mom told me that
peanut butter and jelly was not low cal I said I didn't want to diet anymore which
was fine with her...lol). I was obese until I was 13 and had my first real crush
just imagine living in the back woods and moving ito a small town with 3 boys my
age across the street...lol. I completely stopped eating and lost 35 pounds in
less than 2 months at which time my father put a plate in front of my face and
told me I would eat it or he would beat the you know what out of me and knowing my
father I tried but throw up in the plate that was before me. From that point on it
was on. I worked 72 hours a week that summer in the hot concrete outdoors at the
local farmers market. Which we only got a 30 minute break and all the fruits we
wanted. I didn't have time to eat and could NOT sit down so that summer was easy to
keep the weight off. After summer it would creep back slowly . Which I was not
having problems with severe obesity until the birth of my second child which I was
22. I don't know why but besides the GURD I was physically healthy which gave no
excuses for the weight gain besides an unhappy marriage. My way of staying busy
was my daughter in the beauty pageants. She was a little queen and knew it. People
would walk up to and say "You are so pretty, you look just like your mom" (at
which time my BMI was 38) and she would then reply "Im a little skinnier thank
you!" (she was five years old at the time) She was embarrassed of me at school. I
would go and keep the classes for teacher while they were in there faculty parties
and such and she always saying mom want you loose weight. My son on the other hand
he was proud and didn't care.
I was about 28 years old after failing diet after diet at home and decided I had
had enough. That is when I went and got on obenix. I along with my mental state
(my 19 year old little brother had just died) was enough I was NOT going to eat
and I was going to stay too busy to think about eating. I dropped 64 pounds in
less than 4 months. Doing so I was got up to over 50 herbs a day (8 different kinds)
plus my diet pills but before summer was over most of the weight was gone.
Shortly after I lost the weight my husband started cheating on me. (you know I
would have thought since he had a "good looking woman" he would have appreciated
me more but the affair was with another obese lady that was his best friends wife)
Little did I know at that time he was very insecure with himself, I was too young
to know this then. But after trying to work things out for a few months & and
loosing over 50% of my hair. I thought this is just NOT worth it. I ask for a
divorce.
(About 30 years old)Shortly after I meet Dwayne. He was good to me and allowed me
to be myself and really appreciated the person I was. Things were great I was able
to keep the weight off as long as I was NOT sitting at home. I had started going
out on weekend.
As soon as the night life stopped the weight came back. It was like unless I was
worried about what others thought I looked like I didn't either. (WOW.. I am
sitting here thinking about all this and learning things about myself I never
knew, this honesty thing is NOT fun) The bad part was all I had to do Is eat to
gain the weight back. NOT over eat just eat like a sensible person, So I gained
about 80 pounds back in less than a year and a half.
(32-33 years old) So about a year later I went back to another doctor started meds
again this time it was obenix along with Phen-Fen. When we all know the weight
just fell off. This time I stayed on meds for over 3 years to keep the weight off.
Phen-Fen went off the market, but I continued to use the obenix to keep from
gaining the weight back.
(34 years old) Later this marriage went sour mostly because of me wanting to go
out more and more and my husband stayed at home with my kids. While I would do
what I wanted. He went to the hunting club during the weekend we got a pool and I
started having our friends to the house then. So going out was not such a problem
during the summer months because I was able to stay busy and the weight was still
fine. But fall rolled around and I was back to going out again and my husband was
growing frustrated (Which I do NOT blame him NOW). Back then though I thought he
should want to go with me. I ended up leaving and go back and forth living with
him for a while all the time keeping the weight down back going off and on diet
pills.
(36 years old)Not long after a I met a man named Lee he was an A.A. member and due
to my love for him and him not needing to be around the drinking I slowed down to
a near holt. He and I would go out about once a month (He said he went out to
remind him of the reason he should NOT drink again and would sit and make fun of
the drunks) Which was great because it did stop me from partying and drink so
much. I knew the weight had to stay off he was NOT someone that would be with a
over weight much less obese person (my BMI at that time would have been about 29
and he thought I was over weight then, I found this out in a argument when he
called me a "gross pig"). He and I started fighting more and more due to his
relationship with his sons mother (He was even taking vacations with her without
me while we were living together so his son could go) and I would retaliate buy
going out while they spent time together. In the mean while we burnt so many
bridges no matter how much we loved each other we could not cross them to be
together again.
About 5 months later I had gained about 25 pounds in the year 2000. Found out I
was going to be a grandmother at 37 years old. The age didn't bother me but my
daughters lifestyle did. We lived in an area where I knew a woman that had been
shot for having biracial kids and this was NO life for a child 'my grandchild' I
was worried about the life this baby would have to live due to others mistreating
him or her due to something they had no control over. During this time I met a
lot of friends and partners from a chatroom I was hanging out in but the plus side
is I also met my husband now Tony from a chatroom (I traded the bars for the
internet...lol). We met in person about 5 months after we started talking online.
I came home and went back from Birmingham Alabama to New Jersey, for a 6 week
visit. During this time Tony proposed and I accepted. The weekend of Thanksgiving
I got a call from my mother saying my daughter was having contraction. I loaded
the car and was back in Alabama with in 14 hours (NO TICKETS UNBELIEVABLY) in that
little firebird I was driving. Luckily it was false labor but I think the Good
Lord had brought me back home for the reason the next morning my mom was at work
feel and broke her hip. He knew I was going to be needed here and that was the
reason for her labor pains. Mom had the surgery and I stayed to take care of her
and the next week my daughter did go into labor so I was taking care of both. Then
My love was to come here and visit on Christmas eve. He made it. I was going back
to New Jersey with him on Christmas Day so we stopped over in The Great Smokey
Mountains got us a HillBilly Preacher and married there over looking Pigeon
Forge.
2001 January after moving to New Jersey away from all I had ever known everyone I
had ever loved (the Culture Shock alone would have been enough) I started gaining
weight a huge amount in short amount of time. Within short amount of time I gained
80 pounds) I didn't go anywhere nor did I want to depression had sit in so deep I
didn't not even care to go outside (I Love Nature) my husband was a very insecure
man due to his ex wife I thought it was ok to gain the weight because then I didn't
have to worry about him getting mad at me for other men trying to talk to me. So I
was NOT concerned with loosing the weight.
But not long after I started having a lot of health problems. It was like my lungs
would NOT open up to receive all the air they needed. I found myself gasping for
air at times. My legs started to swell. I was having trouble walking on my left
for for pain. I stayed sad and cried a lot.
Then In May my son and grandson came to stay with me about a month later my son
went back home. Cameron my 5 month old grandson was living there. I knew I needed
to get better so I could take care of him. I started seeing a doctor for the
weight again. But this time I was NOT loosing with the meds. I don't know why it
worked all the other times and NOT this time. In August him mom wanted him back
here. (Long Story want put you there) But the depression got worse and so did my
health.
That fall 2001 after all the health problems and feeling as though I was a
prisoner in a foreign land, I knew I had to come home. If not I would either be in
jail or dead myself. Tony told me to find a house and he would move back with me.
I knew I had to regardless. Between worrying about my kids, grandchild and the
attitudes in upper New Jersey. I had to come home.
We moved back in November 2001 everything was better. Then Tony started having
culture shock I believe of NOT owning his own business any longer being away from
his friends and family. Going from NO Kids to a troubled spoiled teenager a
daughter wanted to hang out with murders and drug dealers. NOT to mention a
grandson that practically lived with me. I cant blame him it was more than I
wanted but it was mine and I had to know I was here where I had not always been
but should have. NO matter how bad it was I had to do this now. His moods got
worse which in return my depression got worse. What I didn't know then was when
Tony is NOT happy with a job he is just plan not happy and put the blame in other
places. He and Adam was doing well Bambi was doing better besides being pregnant
again. Cameron was great. All seemed good.
(Spring 2002) Then I went into the hospital to have a
bartholin cyst removed which meant you guessed it NO SEX for a while. He grew upset
the more upset he was the more depressed I was. After a while I realized no matter
what besides being there for my kids and grandbaby I felt as though nothing was worth living anymore. I could not make my husband happy I was NOT happy and there was never enough where the kids were concerned the only thing I felt as though I done right anymore was give Cameron a safe, happy and healthy existence. One weekend Tony had to go to Atlanta for a business trip and all this can to life before me. It hit me hard. When he came home I told him I was going to make and appointment with my pcp and a physiologist. I wanted to get better I knew I was NO good to anyone else in the state of mind I was in. He agreed. So on Monday I started prozac and made the appointment with my physiologist. Which for a while made things even worse because Tony started pointing a finger at me like I didn't love him and was not sexually attracted to him. I didn't know what to do but all I knew was this was my last hope at marriage. That if this didn't work I would never even date again much less marry. I figured if this marriage come to an end that I was suppose to be alone in life. I had tried to hard (Other times I did NOT I gave up easy) Took more than I would have ever took before so It was a damned or do situation here. After about 4 months on prozac I started feeling better. Life was NOT so dark as much anymore.
(June 15,2002) Tony and I had just came from eating out and was wanting to do something different. So we decided to go and visit my sister which lives about 75 miles out of Fort Walton Fl.. Gave her a call and got on the net to find a hotel to maybe stay the night in Fl.. during this time I went outside to the car to get the doggie bag which had my salad to bring in and put in the fridge. I tripped on a root my foot was lodged and started falling. With the weight of 248 pounds on the leg it could do nothing more than crumble.fibula and tibia on my right let.
Which resulted in a rod on the outer leg along with 6 pins and 2 pins on the
inner ankle. (needless to say the trip to Fl and My sisters was off) I was in a 3 different cast for about 3 months. During physical therapy and trying to get around with one leg I tore
the acl and lateral and medial meniscus The surgery was done to correct then.
Meniscus tore again so I had another surgery there along with removal of the
implants and nerve damage to the right foot.)causes me many problems when even
comes to walking much less exercise. I know with less weight I would not have the
pain. Now along with the pain in my ankles and knees according to Dr. Fox it is
causing me to have Scoliosis due to me pivoting from leg to leg relieving the
pain. I know if I didn't have so much weight that the pain would NOT be so much and
I could slowly build myself up to be more mobile.
Since which I have tried diet after diet including:
<.br>I have tried the grapefruit diet, dexatrim, cabbage soup diet, mayo clinic diet, gyms, weight watchers, slim fast (gained weight on slim fast it taste too good...lol), and many other diets. The ones I have keep records of recently are:
6 week body make over (appr.. Oct 2003) Lost 12 ponds in 5 weeks diet too bland and too much cooking involved. Gained 15
Weight Watchers (Jan 2004) 3 months and lost 6 pounds not enough weight for time spent. Gained 10 back.
June started using Cortislim lost now weight but others were saying it looked as though I have.
August. 2004 I started My own diet (I have 2 and half years in commercial foods training)plus started Inches Away Toning Salon and in Oct went to see Doctor Vitkins in Cullman which I have Lost 10 until now using, Relacore/Cotislim, PHENDIMETRAZINE 35 MG along with going to I don't know if it is because I had used the diet pills for so long or the age or me not being able to exercise but I can NOT loose the weight this time.
I am at wits end here I want to loose this for NO vanity reason besides to be more healthy and to be able to be physical with my loved ones but without being able to be physical it seems as though I cant loose the weight. I hope by the Grace Of God I can do something that can change my life to change the lives of the others around me.
The pain (back on June 15 2001 I brok both my fibula and tibia on my right let. Which resulted in a rod on the outer leg along with 6 pins and 2 pins on the inner ankle. During physical theropy and tying to get around with one leg I tore
the acl and lateral and medial meniscus The surgery was done to correct then. Meniscus tore again so I had another surgery there along with removeal of the implants and nerve damage to the right foot.)causes me many problems when even comes to walking much less exercise. I know with less wieght I would not have the pain. Now along with the pain in my ankles and knees according to Dr. Fox it is causing me to have Scoliosis due to me pivoting from leg to leg relieving the pain. I know if I didnt have so much weight that the pain would NOT be so much and I could slowly build myself up to be more mobile
This is Christmas 2004 at 262lbs, I will be adding more as I get them.
I had to add this song because by now, on this week of May 18th it is exactly how I am feeling.
If you read the next page here you will know..May God Bless Each of you in what ever your trial on this earth may be.
Love, Kim
Song By:O DEE MESSINA - Bring On the Rain
Oooh...
Another day has almost come and gone,
Can't imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away,
Somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost, but not the war
'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
It's almost like the hard times circle round,
A couple drops, and they all start comin down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
And I might hang my head,
I might be barely breathing,
But I'm not dead
'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
Oooh...
No I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep... tonight
'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain
'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
So bring on the rain... Bring on the rain... Ooh...
Album: Greatest Hits (2003)
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