Monday  2-19-01 11:04 a.m.:
"...Bag Lady, you gonna hurt your back, draggin' all them bags round like that.  I guess no one ever told you all you must hold onto is you, is you, is you..."

Today is a fucked up day (feels like it).  I'm hoping it's just because it's Monday.  I guess we'll see as the day unfolds.

11:49 a.m.:
It's okay I suppose.  I can feel my somber mood lifting a LITTLE.  That could be the four cups of coffee I've drank, though.  At least the sun is out today.  It rained for like 5 days straight last week.  I didn't get to go for my daily jogs then.  I need some endorphins!!

1:52 p.m.:
just got a speeding ticket... weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
Sunday  2-18-01  2:13 a.m.:
Yesterday an odd thing happened.  Those who know me know my ex as well, and they know the history involved there.  Five years is a long time to be wrapped up in someone, but when things are dead, they're just that... dead.  You can't bring em back to life.  I often imagined that my feelings for Gary would go out with a "bang", and my entire world would be crushed, but either it hasn't hit me, or I just don't care to fight it any longer.  I got home from work yesterday and had to hear about the latest bullshit he started (I'll go into it later maybe, I don't care to right now), and after about 25 minutes of talking to my mom, I was like, "You know what?  I don't wanna talk about this anymore.  I'm through with it."  Then I went and got fucked up (self-medication, baby!) and just sorta turned things over in my mind.  You can call it giving up, you can call it letting go and moving on - I don't care.  I fought the good fight, so to speak, and I can't do it anymore.  It's over... and I don't think it's hit me yet.  **shrug**...

For those of you who haven't noticed it, the poem on my front page, the poem in red that is "hidden" behind the Jim Morrison quote... I wrote that about my ex, Gary.  I hid it like that on purpose, for effect (what we felt for each other at one point (or two) in time was never really fully allowed to bloom, so in essence, feelings were "hidden", and this is why I wrote the piece like that)...  Anyway, I'm not gonna think about it anymore tonight.  I AM human after all, and that profound sense of sadness and hurt does creep up every once in awhile.
Thursday  2-22-01  12:53 a.m.:
"...I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world.  Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much.  My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...  And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold onto it...  and then it flows through me like rain...  and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.  You have no idea what I'm talking about I'm sure, but don't worry, you will someday..."

Sometimes words lose a bit of their impact when bound to a piece of paper or a computer screen.  The words above have so much more "flow" when you hear Kevin Spacey say them himself in American Beauty. 

I try to never stop learning, even though I already have learned the most important thing, the message that Wintson Churchill gave to people everywhere:  "Never, never, never give up."

Here is something different...
Monday  3-19-01  11:21 p.m.:
Looks like Jack is giving me tons of traffic.  I guess I owe him more "stuff" now *wink*wink*...  It always struck me as odd when these webloggers would make apologies for lack of updates.  You're basically apologizing to strangers for not staying glued to your computer and typing out every detail of your day for them to read.   I do admit, though, it gives me a slight ego boost, knowing that people come to my page, however paltry it may be.  I've said before that it's a "hobby".  Something to do to alleviate boredom and bring the slightest of amusement...

Went to a party at a friend's house this past Friday.  Paid a visit to my ol' Uncle Sid for the first time in about 4 years.  It was a cool trip.  I got in this intense mood for affection (not outright fucking... there IS a difference).  I was in the mood to scratch backs and rub shoulders and "nuzzle",  but no one was there I was interested in.  There was my one friend whom I think is absolutely fucking AMAZING and HOT, but he had other "obligations" that night and I'm gonna  leave it at that ;)...  Instead I just watched him ravedance and move his arms about with red and blue glo-sticks in his hands.  That child can flow!!  He's very good at what he does...  I finally had to go outside for a walk and get some air.  I decided it was best I go home.  When I left the apartment at about 3:30 in the morning, people were still up and going!  I think I ended up sleeping for about 12 hours once I made it home...
(going to bed now... i am soooooooo tired...)