| Wednesday 2-27-02 9:24 p.m.: "Drops of Jupiter", taken from Train's album of the same name, Drops of Jupiter... Now that she's back in the atmosphere With drops of Jupiter in her hair... hey, hey... She acts like summer and walks like rain Reminds me that there's a time to change... hey, hey... Since the return from her stay on the moon She listens like spring and she talks like June... hey, hey... Tell me did you sail across the sun? Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded? And that heaven is overrated? Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star? One without a permanent scar And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there... Now that she's back from that soul vacation Tracing her way through the constellation... hey, hey... She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo Reminds me that there's room to grow... hey, hey... Now that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet? Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day? And head back to the Milky Way And tell me, did Venus blow your mind? Was it everything you wanted to find? And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there... Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken? Your best friend always sticking up for you... even when I know you're wrong? Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance, five-hour phone conversation The best soy latte that you ever had... and me... Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet? Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day? And head back toward the Milky Way... --------------------------------------------- I am tired like you would not believe. I'LL probably be going to bed early tonight. "Early" meaning, for me, before 2 a.m. I filled out my federal taxes last night. I was so fucking tired when I did them and had a bad headache as well. I've always had excellent math skills, and I'm a stickler for detail, but apparently my brain took a brief sabbatical last night without telling me. I filled them out originally and had myself owing... OWING I tell you... $987.00!! I almost shit my pants!! For the next two hours, I thought I was truly and ROYALLY fucked. If I wasn't sitting there feeling numb, muttering to myself, "God, I am FUCKED! I am soooo fucked," then I was crying. Crying, muttering, crying, muttering... feeling numb... heh. I even went back over the form FOUR times. I thought, "There's no fuckin' way!! Can't be!! This just does NOT fit into my reality! I canNOT be this fucked!!" Then I started talking to a friend of mine because I didn't know what the hell I was going to do. It just didn't make any sense... And to make a long story very short, I will be getting back over $100 bucks. Seems I put a zero amount where I should've put about a 7500 dollar amount. :) MAJOR brain fart I tell you. I can't even begin to convey the sense of relief I felt, heh. I just can't believe I didn't catch something so obvious. Like I said, I was tired to begin with, hehe. |
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| Monday 2-25-02 7:20 p.m.: "Inflatable", taken from Bush's album, Golden State... let it slide overhead when i believe in you my soul can rest but our love it's really love it never fades but fade it does when we shine like the sun you seem the only one my only friend [chorus] so pretty in white pretty when you're faithful so pretty in white pretty when you're faithful when you're faithful i resigned from myself took a break was someone else it's like i've come undone and i've only just become inflatable for you [chorus] i don't mind most of the time but you push me so far inside [chorus] ------------------------ I was off today from the pizza place. Went out and applied for a couple of different part-time jobs. I had applied last week for a job at this one place, but I haven't heard back from them yet. The pay is much greater at that job than any job I've ever had. A little bird told me, "They haven't made a decision yet." In the meantime, I'm thinking, "Well, damn! While they're busy making up their minds, I need to make more money than I am." People ask me all the time, "Why don't you get a REAL job?" But this suits me... for now. My priorities are in different places than some others' are. I value the freedom I have to "roam" more than I value the money right now. If I wanted to take a vacation tomorrow, I could. If I wanted to just take off into the sunset or maybe to Yellowstone *wink*... I could. Granted, I would be going, broke, but I wouldn't have to say, "Well, it's a whole year blah blah before my next vacation, yadda yadda... I can't go." The way it stands now, if I had the money, I could wake up tomorrow and think, "Gee, I wanna take a roap trip a couple of thousand miles away" and just go. Sometimes people say, "Well, if you had a REAL job, would you not have to worry about money?" BLEH! I don't want to end up as some "stuffed shirt" who missed out on half of her life because she was too concerned about money. My bills get paid every month. I have a car that gets me where I want to go and looks nice (nice but dirty, heh). I get by just fine. I am happy. Happiness is more important to me than money at this point in my life. I can work two jobs that allow me the freedom I crave and STILL make just as much money as I would if I worked only one "real" job. So... it works for me right now, and that's all that counts. When it stops "working" for me is when I'll move on to something else. |
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| Wednesday 2-20-02 11:17 p.m.: "Hate Your Guts", taken from Pride & Glory's self-titled album, Pride & Glory... I got the call Monday mornin' Sometime around 9 a.m. I felt down and out, left for dead, Lost without a friend Now how you live with yourself Well child, I just don't know But as far as I'm concerned I think ya Really suck, you're rotten and you really blow I hate your guts I wish that you was dead I hate your guts You're damn right that's what I said I hate your guts And I wish that you was dead I'd dig the hole myself But I'd rather run ya over with my truck instead Your first name should be ass Your last name should be wipe Believe me when I say this Cus I've been shit on more than twice Well it's funny how it works It just seems to never end Just when ya think ya had enough They'll bend ya over and fuck ya once again ! I hate your guts I wish that you was dead I hate your guts You're damn right that's what I said I hate your guts And I wish that you was dead I'd dig the hole myself But I'd rather run ya over with my truck instead What's mine is mine What's yours is mine And that's the way it's gonna be If ya got a problem with that ya little bastard Don't ya come around to me Now I've been doin' this now For quite a many day I'll rip off your nuts and Shove them down your throat and Head off on my merry way Money-hungry and greedy Child you're just downright wrong Ya pissed me off so many times I just had to write this song Everyone's got their problems And I know you sure got yours But you make livin' child Seem like a back breakin' chore I hate your guts I wish that you was dead I hate your guts You're damn right that's what I said I hate your guts And I wish that you was dead I'd dig the hole myself But, I'd rather run ya over with my truck instead ------------------------------------------------------------ Okay. So... yeah. The word of the day is "closure". Tomorrow's secret phrase will be "fuck you." I've learned alot about life and myself during these last couple/few months. One of the most important things I've learned is I can't save everyone. Even the one(s) I wish desparately that I could. Human behavior never fails to amaze me, however. I don't know what else to say about someone with whom I could have fallen so deeply in love. Love was there for a bit. Till the day I die, no matter what, I'll believe that something was there when I was in Boston. That's when I was in Boston, though. I came back, and whatever feelings were there, stirring around, turned into something else. I found out the man I'd die for wasn't even concerned... to borrow words from the great Lauryn Hill. I can't save everyone, and love doesn't always conquer everything. You're a fool if you believe that. And to this day and beyond... no matter how much of a pussy Akos Plesovszki acts like, no matter the fact that I do not exist to him, I will always believe that I saw something in him that week that I spent up north. Something good. It had potential. I don't think he meant for me to see that part of him, though. And that to me is really sad... I saw something I liked and I wanted but I could not keep. And for the record Akos, you know EXACTLY what went on and what was said and done. I know EXACTLY what went on and what was said and done. No amount of ignoring me or bitching on a message board is going to change any of that. I hope you secretly carry that with you for the rest of your life. I hope you remember for the rest of your life what it felt like to be with me. And then I hope you remember that it was YOU that fucked it up and ended it badly. No matter how much a person "knows" what they are getting into, that STILL doesn't warrant how you handled things after I got back. I never did anything to you. I didn't barrage you with shit loads of emails or ICQ messages. I sent you one fucking card. And might I remind you, I've had your cell phone and telephone # this WHOLE FUCKING TIME, and not once did I bug you by calling you. I never did anything to you except care about you. I'm truly sorry you could not handle that. I don't hate you... but... you so could've ended shit differently. And not like a coward. I hope someday you can see yourself as I did. I don't know what else to say except that I've probably spoken my peace now. Nothing left for me to do but move on... And to all my friends... Harvest, Justin, Kelly, Corey, Josh, Kromey... my friends in my day-to-day life or the really, really close ones that I communicate with via the internet... I thank you guys. I couldn't have gotten through it without you. You make life so "rich" and moving on so much less difficult. ;) I got madlove for you all. I can't say that enough... |
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