[[a very very funny comedian!]]
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."
I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...
...and then at the end of the leter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an arguement, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express you anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?
I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scarry to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get Outta here.
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera..."
My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first...
...Every time I go and shave I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say "I'm gonna go shave too"
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful... I'm gonna go pick something up"
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.