Mitch Hedberg Quotes [[a very very funny comedian!]]

[[2]]

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at... I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up. I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential. I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill... I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenerio that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here..." I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I recieve it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work... You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together... 2-in-1 is a bullshit tern, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is it's positive name. They don't call it by it's negative name, which is a sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips... I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. I use the word "totally" too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. "Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches?" All-encompassingly... This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unecessary. It did not need to exist. I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's waay more satisfying... ...You're supposed to tell "fore" but I kept thinking: there ain't no way that's gonna hit him.

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