[[a very very funny comedian!]]
Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and 'round. I cant do a backflip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
I never joined the army, because "at ease" was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. "I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military."
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truck of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up!"
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience."
Bevause of [dropping] Acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.
People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all, I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
I had a bag of fritos, they were Texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah, reminds me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, "better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine."