Mitch Hedberg Quotes [[a very very funny comedian!]]

[[5]]

In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like the bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should apopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought "man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog..." You never say "here comes that frog" in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. "Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world. Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Goddamn it Otto, you are on alcholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis..." one of those two doesn't sound right. I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, your blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy, they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Defrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufranes. No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths, and they're hungry! "Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufranes." Has anyone seen me on Letterman? 2 billion people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comdian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the corner store. I tried walking into a target, but I missed. I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. I would imagine if you understood Morse Core, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky. When someone hands you a flier, it's like they're saying: here you throw this away. I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something. I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's a turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi. Someone needs to tell the turkeys, man, just be yourself. I used to draw you... I refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time.

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