"Far dearer to me than my treasure,"
The heiress declared, "is my leisure.
For then I can screw,
The whole Harvard crew--
They're slow, but that lengthens the pleasure."
A DNA mix-up named Doris,
Had a strangely located clitoris,
It was attached to her gums,
So whenever she hums,
She comes when she reaches the chorus!
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State,
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus.
There was a young harlot named Schwartz,
Whose pussy was studded with warts,
And they tickled so nice,
She drew a high price,
From the studs at the summer resorts.
There once was a young man from Norway,
Who hung from his heels in the doorway.
He said with a grin,
as his sweetie came in,
"I think I have found one more way!"
That wily old pervert St. Nick,
Made good use of the curve to his dick,
He glazed the whole shaft,
Painted stripes, then he laughed,
As he offered young ladies a lick.
Attempting to stop his wet dreams,
Brother Maury has tried many schemes,
Using bells and a whistle,
Attached to his gristle,
But still finds he frequently creams.So grimly the Abbot said, "Look...
Orgasm's a sin in my book,
Inadvertent or not,
Tie your dick in a knot,
Or start sleeping with Annie the cook."
"Fallopian tube dead ahead!"
Cried the sperm as he upwardly sped.
Then the splosh and the sploosh,
And the whoosh of a douche,
Flushed him downwards and outwards instead.
When accusing the Lord, I have fears,
'Twill be met by people, with jeers,
However, THIS is a time,
And the most blatant of crime,
He's put nothing at all 'tween your ears.
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
There was a young trollop at Yale,
Who had verses tattooed on her tail;
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
A duplicate version in Braille.
There was a young girl of Samoa,
Who determined that no man should know her.
One young fellow tried,
But she wriggled aside,
And spilled all the spermatozoa.
The nastiest fogey alive,
Is a pedophile, by name of Hive.
This awful old letch,
Screws what he can catch,
And prefers all his girls under five.
"No thanks" said a Lobster by post,
When asked to a mid-summer roast,
As he wisely said,
"If you were white bread,
Would you jump at the chance to be toast?"
There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch,
Had a catch that would latch,
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
There once was a girl named Beth Berman
Who liked to drink everyone's sperm in.
She said, with a pout,
"This tastes like sauerkraut.
Are you sure that you aren't a German?"
There once was a fellow named Howard,
Whose large tool was nuclear-powered.
While grabbing some ass,
He reached critical mass;
But think of the girl he deflowered!
There was a young fellow named Biddle
Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.
She grabbed hold of his bow,
And said, "If you want to know,
You can try parting my hair in the middle."
A notorious whore named Miss Hearst
In the weakness of men is well versed.
Reads a sign o'er the head
Of her well-rumpled bed:
"The customer always comes first."
"Friar Maury", said young Sister Bridget,
A-squirming and all of a fidget,
"I'm sorry to say,
And confess every day,
That I diddle myself with my digit.""God bless you, my daughter", he said,
"I forgive you; there's nothing to dread."
(And he fingered his pole
As he thought of the hole
In the ceiling right over her bed.)
As Goldilocks hid 'neath the stair
Mother Bear shouted out, "I declare;
Father Bear, please explain [...]
This irregular stain [...]
And these fair pubic hairs on your chair?!"
Poor Gregory can't get his pole
Up his girl for a tumble and roll,
For he has a square peg,
And his paramour, Meg,
Has a perfectly circular hole.
There once was a girl named Michelle,
Whose crack had a horrible smell,
And when she did spread,
The first thought in my head,
Was "WHEW! Yo quiero Taco Bell!!"
There once was a barmaid named Gale,
On whose breasts was the menu for ale,
But since she was kind,
For the sake of the blind,
On her ass it was printed in Braille.
A hard-headed cabby named Peter,
Was asked by a fare if he'd eat her,
He said, "It's not free [...]
I will only agree,
To go down while I'm running the meter."
There once was a woman from Kent,
To the football match she went,
She stood in the goal,
And opened her hole,
And !*WHOMP*! in the football went.
There once was a man from Socket,
Who went for a ride in a Rocket,
The rocket exploded,
His balls corroded,
And they found his prick in his pocket.
There once was this lady who's Swiss,
Who went out to the lawn to piss,
A snake in the grass,
Then entered her ass,
And came out her hole with a hiss.
A young airline stewardess, May,
Has achieved liberation today,
She screwed without quittin',
From New York to Britain,
It's clear she has come a long way.
There was a young lass of Rhodesia,
Who said "If the front hole don't please ya [...]
For a reasonable sum,
You can try the old bum [...]
But mind that the tapeworms don't seize ya!"
There was a young lady called Annie,
Who had lice, fleas and crabs up her fanny,
A trip up her flue,
Was like a day at the zoo,
With wildlife in each nook and cranny.
Young Katie is shaving the thatch,
From the lips of her virginal snatch,
And she's finding the lather,
Is making her rather,
Excited and eager to scratch.She's spreading her pussy-lips wide,
Dipping two or three fingers inside,
Now she's [...] Bugger! The curtain!
She's pulled it, I'm certain,
'Cause she's noticed me standing outside!
A lissome psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train;
Said she, "Please don't panic!
I'm just nymphomanic.
It wouldn't be fun if I were sane."
A dentist, young Doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And in his depravity,
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my how his practice has grown!
A modest young girl named Oola,
Once donned a grass skirt to dance Hula,
A cow ate the grass,
Exposing her ass,
Now she's no longer modest but coola.
A young trapeze artist named Bract,
Is faced by a very sad fact.
Imagine his pain,
When again and again,
He catches his wife in the act.
There was a young man of Seattle,
Who bested a bull in a battle.
With fire and gumption,
He assumed the bull's function,
And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun,
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"
There once was a man from Brewster
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
"It used to be grand,
But just look at my hand;
You ain't wipin' as clean as you used ta."
There once was a hacker named Ken,
Who "inherited" truckloads of Yen,
So he built him some chicks,
Out of silicon chips,
And hasn't been heard from since then.
"I'm sick of Tchaikovsky", said May,
"And this Handel and Bach that we play."
So she put down her fiddle,
And diddled her middle;
"It's time for Depussy I say."
A Flighty young gal named Melissa,
Was careless as hell on the pissa [...]
One day in the rush,
She was caught in the flush,
And goodness knows all of us missa!
There was a young lady from Maine,
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
There's an oversexed lady named Whyte,
Who insists on a dozen a night.
A fellow named Cheddar,
Had the brashness to wed her [...]
His chance of survival is slight.
A cock of a fellow named LRandall,
Shot sparks like a big Roman candle,
He was much in demand,
For the colors were grand,
But most girls found him too hot to handle.
Young Angie likes lifting her dress,
And removing her panties to press,
In a manner obscene,
'Gainst the washing machine,
To relieve all her work-a-day stress.
There was a young fellow from Yale,
Whose face was exceedingly pale [...]
He spent his vacation,
In self-masturbation,
Because of the high price of tail.
There was a young woman from Wild,
Who kept herself quite undefiled,
By thinking of Jesus [...]
Contagious diseases [...]
And the bother of having a child.
There was a young lady named Gloria,
Who was goosed by Sir Oswald Du Maurier [...]
And then by six men,
Sir Oswald again,
And the band at the Woldorf Astoria!
There once was a man named Hyatt,
Who's sexual habits were a riot,
From horses to hens,
To mices and mens,
If it had a hole, he would try it.
There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly!
A short-organed fellow named Kevin,
Used a vacuum to stretch it to seven,
Then to eight and to nine,
And thought ten was divine [...]
There will be film at eleven!
Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice,
But one is a bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
And the plural of spouse is spice?
There once was a girl named Irene,
Who lived on distilled kerosene,
But she started absorbin',
A new hydrocarbon,
And since then has never benzine.
There was a young Scot in Madrid,
Who got fifty-five lays for a quid,
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."
A well-partied co-ed named Dawn,
When asked what conclusion she'd drawn,
Said, "I was having a ball [...]
But I just can't recall,
This tattoo [...] or where all my pubic hair's gone!!"
Undressing a maiden called Sue,
Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true,
That a nipple a day,
Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two!"
Even though he's endowed like a pinky,
He always has dates, Willee Winkie [...]
If you ask any miss,
"Well, where did he kiss?"
They'll just blush and say "Somewhere that's stinky."
The bribe that young streetwalker Stover,
Employs as a sexual rover,
Is to hand-job police,
As she gives one release,
She will giggle, "My cop runneth over!"
A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
Had achieved some renown [...]
For her tone going down [...]
There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
Maury's testicles groaned and said, "Ouch!",
As he fondled young Jane on the couch.
Said the left, "I feel blue",
Said the right one, "Me too",
As they jiggled around in their pouch.
"Dear Dad, you are getting quite old;
Your assets, I think, should be sold,
And given to me,
So that you can be free,
To live out those years they call gold.""Dear son, there's no reason to fret;
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;
I'll do it my way,
'Till it's all pissed away;
Not one nickel or dime will you get!"
There was a young fellow named Bliss,
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus,
His recalcitrant penis,
Would never do better than
t
h
i
s
.
The Perfesser just got back from France,
And his missus, she feels the romance;
Said, "I let him go look,
'Cause I'd read in a book,
That them mam'selles don't wear underpants!!"
There was a young lady called Lynn,
Who was deep in original sin,
When they said "Do be good,"
She said "I would if I could,"
And straight away went at it again.
There was a young woman named Melanie,
Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?"
She replied, "No, siree,
I give it for free [...]
To sell it, dear sir, is a felony."
There once was a girlie named Karen,
Who proved it to all, she was darin',
She jumped on a log,
And got humped by a frog,
And now all her warts, they're a flarin'.
With the police still hot on his trail,
He was tempted by fanny for sale,
So the crook went to bed,
With a price on his head,
And a girl with a price on her tail!
To a (hopefully) overnight mate,
He said: "Baby, you sure do look great!"
With a stare like cold death,
She just said: "Save your breath;
You will need it to blow up your date!"
A randy young fellow named Payne,
Wooed a lovely girl, but in vain,
For she swore when he kissed her,
So he slept with her sister,
Again and again and again [...]
"Let's try it this new way," said Jack,
As he winked at the girl in the sack,
She turned and she grunted,
"I should be affronted,
But this time I'm taken aback!"
In the harem a lonely girl calls,
But the guard takes no notice at alls,
When asked if he cheats,
On the sultan, he bleats,
"Oh I would, but I ain't got the balls."
A young porno star, name of Sue,
Was a hit when it came to a screw,
Her climactic fame spread,
With promotion that said,
"Coming Soon, to a Theatre Near You!"
There once was a cop they called Bruiser,
Who the captain had labeled a loser,
For it seems that this rookie,
Was addicted to nookie,
And would screw in the back of his cruiser.
As a kid when we rode on the bus,
Deep questions we'd often discuss:
"Would it come off divine,
Or just blow out her spine,
If Superman did it with Lois?"
There was a young man of Seattle,
Who bested a bull in a battle.
With fire and gumption,
He assumed the bull's function,
And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin.
A virgin named Joan,
From a Bible belt home,
Said, "This won't be much of a sin!"
There was a young lady named Claire,
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought,
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.
"No bananas," she said with a sigh,
And a tear trickled down from her eye.
"No cukes, no zucchinis,
No Oscar Meyer weenies...
I'll have to go find me a guy."
There once was a girl from St Paul,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball,
The dress caught on fire,
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.
There was a young man named Sweeney
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
He thought this uncouth,
So he added vermouth,
And he slipped his girl a martini.
There was a bluestocking in Florence
Who wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
Till a Spanish grandee,
Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
There once was a pirate named Bates,
Who attempted to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.
There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"
There once was a man from Australia,
Who had extra-large genitalia.
He said to his bride,
"Don't try to hide,
Cause wherever ya go I can nail ya."
The Limerick form is complex,
Its contents run chiefly to sex [...]
It burgeons with virgins,
And masculine urgeons,
And swarms with erotic F/X.
Leonardo da Vinci's last scrawls,
Mirror fashion on lavatory walls,
And discovered today,
Near the Vatican say,
".sllab ym htiw ereh deyalp asiL anoM"
Across from my house is young Mabel,
When her curtains stay open, I'm able,
To watch her caressing
Herself while undressing,
(As long as I stand on this table).
Connoisseur, if allowed, of fine tail,
I ogle, when able, young quail;
But my wife is no fool,
She enforces one rule:
"You can look all you like, BUT NO BRAILLE!"
There once was a nasty old ho,
Who opened up a bakery sto,
You might not find it funny,
But she saved lots of money,
'Cause she had her own yeast for the dough.
Said the Abbot, "I'm not pleased one bit,
Brother Maury; that you should submit
Your signed IOU,
In lieu of a ewe
I just won't accept that sheep chit."
A beauty with charm was my Jane [...]
Personality, looks, and a brain!
Yet she lived free from sin,
(Well [...] *I* couldn't get in!)
So I'll not bother to see her again.
An overworked hooker once said,
"I must change the sheets on my bed [...]
I've developed a rash,
On the lips of my gash,
and the inside's all puffy and red!"
Someone slipped Daisy a Mickey
And left her a rosey-red hickey.
She couldn't recall,
What happened at all,
But she knew that her two lips were sticky.
There was a young lady, Ann Heiser,
Who said that no man could suprise her,
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder, Budweiser.
My boss is a fellow named Sid,
With the mind of an eight-year-old kid,
Just outside his door,
A sign said, "Wet floor,"
Sid saw it, and read it [...] and did!
There once was a man named McFeeney,
Who spilled some gin on his weenie,
Not being uncouth,
He added vermouth,
And then slipped his wife a martini.
Bond formation can be unwell
(Electrons join up in a shell)
For it doesn't seem fine
To say they combine
When we know very well they repel!
There's a law that just simply can't be
About time and space fantasy.
But Albert Einstein
Theorized it just fine,
Because E over M is squared C.
There once were two chemists with zeal.
These guys, Boyle and Charles were for real.
They combined their gas laws.
Which we know to have flaws
'Cause their gases weren't really ideal!
The dark pubic hair of young Sadie,
Is the longest you'll find on a lady.
You must guess at the angle,
When you push through that tangle,
But once there, the surroundings are shady.
The Astronomy students would tell,
Their female professor, Miss Nell:
"We want you to train us,
To look at Uranus...
(And catch sight of your pussy as well!)"
This feller who played the fife,
Thought he'd married the pride of his life...
But imagine the pain,
When he struggled in vain,
And just couldn't get into his wife.
A big woolly dog named Lee,
Had a host of friends to see,
So he paced the street,
On all four feet,
But visited mostly on three.
A cardiac patient named Fred,
Made a limerick up in his head,
But before he had time,
To write down the last line,
... ... ...
The thesaurus editor's goal,
Was consummate diet control.
At lunch he said, "Please,
I am somewhat obese,
So I'll just have a synonym roll."
An hour for coffee I waited,
I sat there with breath that was baited,
The waitress passed through,
I asked for some brew...
That bitch brought me decaffeinated.
Nick the prick had a forty foot dick,
He showed it to the lady next door,
She thought it was a snake,
And hit it with a rake,
And now it's only four-foot-four.
For reasons obscure and unclear,
I can't put my nose in my ear.
But if I succeed,
I'll be happy indeed,
For I'll finally have a career.
If I could just kiss my own nose,
I'd have a career, I suppose.
But the Christian right wing,
Would frown on the thing;
For safety, I'll just kiss my toes.
I chase all the girls when I'm spunky,
A five-days-a-week sexual junkie,
I tend not to stray,
On Tues- or Wednesday,
On those nights I spank my own monkey.
Her thighs were all covered with cream,
Her breasts with sweet honey a-gleam...
But too good to be true,
This sex cordon bleu...
He awoke with two spurts from his dream.
Now here is a real hard brain teaser:
A guy meets a girl - wants to please her,
Should he take her to dinner,
In order to win her?
Or pounce, like a randy old geezer?
Said a specialty hooker named Jean,
Who made the Jacuzzi her scene,
"A rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a tub
Not only come close, they come clean."
There was a young man from Pitlocherie,
Making love to his girl in the rockery,
She said "Look you've cum,
All over my bum.. .. ..
This isn't a shag, it's a mockery!"
There was a young lassie from Morton,
Who had one long tit and one short 'un,
On top of all that,
A great hairy twat,
And a fart like a six-fifty Norton.
There was an old fellow called Lear,
Who existed on oysters and beer,
He traveled to Spain,
Never came back again,
But I think I can smell him from here!
There once was a young lady of mass,
Who had a very large ass,
When she caused it to shake,
It caused an earthquake,
And clouds of poisonous gas.
It's a sign of wedded security,
A marriage that's reached it's maturity,
When neither accuses,
Nor offers excuses,
For farts that fly with impunity.
I abhor the onslaught of snow,
When the cold makes a man...well, you know,
Shrivel up like a raisin.
I find it amazin'
There exist any young Eskimo.
There was a young lady of Worcester,
Who dreamt that a rooster'd seduced her.
She woke with a scream,
But 'twas only a dream---
A bump in the mattress had goosed her.
A King Who Never Could Rhyme,
Declared Limerick Writing A Crime,
But Late In The Night,
All The Scribes Would Write,
Poems Without Rhyme Or Meter.
There was a young man named McNameter,
Had a penis of prodigious diameter,
But it was not his size,
That gave girls surprise,
T'was his rhythm, iambic pentameter.
A scientist from Russia named Adam
Took a pot shot at splitting the atom,
He blew off his penis,
And now, just between us,
Is known in the Kremlin as Madam.
There once was a man from Nepal,
Whose prick was incredibly small,
He got down on the rug,
And mounted a bug,
But the bug didn't feel it at all!!
A serious thought for today,
Is one that might cause you dismay...
Just what are the forces,
That bring little horses,
If all of the mares say "Nay!"?
A pitiful case is young Rex,
With his bulgingly masculine pecs,
And biceps the size
Of a weightlifter's thighs...
For he's thinking of changing his sex!
There was a young man from Tucker,
Who met a young lady named Smucker.
A hotel room they rented,
The arrangements contented,
But after reading a flyer on sexually transmitted diseases they took in a movie instead.
I once loved a woman named Gert,
Who climbed mountain peaks in a skirt,
She said, "It feels nice,
On the steep rocks and ice,
And it keeps those below more alert!"
There was a young laundress named Springer,
Who went on to become a good singer...
She acquired her range,
In a manner most strange;
When she caught both her tits in the wringer!
There once was a goddess named Venus,
Whose disarming was awful and heinous,
For her name didn't rhyme,
With sweet words such as "thyme,"
So Zeus punished her for writing "penis."
Now, ladies, you needn't be coy.
Since Lorena lobbed off her boy's toy,
The news made it popular,
To name the tool copular,
It's a household word now to enjoy.
There once was a woman from Venus,
Who committed a crime so heinous,
That to hear people scoff,
She'd have been better off,
If she'd suddenly sprouted a... tail?!?
As a bistro boss bellowed and bitched,
Saying six Swiss chefs shifts should be switched,
Each chef got so miffed,
At the shift of his shift,
Food flew fast in a feud fever-pitched.
A stripper I met in Manila,
Had a talent that wasn't "vanilla"...
Without using a hand,
But by flicking a gland,
She could out-type a well-trained gorilla.
A girl from Chicago's south side,
Ate a mess of green apples and died,
While her friends all lamented,
The apples fermented,
And made cider inside her inside.
[ Assorted Humor | Krishna Kunchithapadam ]
Last updated: Sun Jun 27 17:00:19 PDT 2004
URL: http://www.oocities.org/krishna_kunchith/humor/limericks.html