(Proofread carefully to see
if I any words out.)
(Copywight 1999, 2000 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.)
You know what I hate about being schizophrenic?
What?
That I can never complete a...
Yes, you can.
No, I...
You can.
Sorry I brought it up.
OK.
Having Surgery?
1.) Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2.) Somebody call the janitor--we're going to need a mop.
3.) 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.'
4.) Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5.) Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6.) Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
7.) Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8.) Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff
before?
9.) Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
10.) Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my
concentration off.
11.) What's this doing here?
12.) I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
13.) That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?
14.) I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
15.) Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16.) Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
17.) Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
18.) Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body
of the ape.
19.) Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of
nature.
20.) This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
21.) Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
22.) Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
23.) What do you mean, "You want a divorce?"
24.) She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!
25.) FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!
Christmas Cards for the
Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets
and Stores and Office and
Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants
and . . .
PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell
You Why
DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is
Lonely
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, ... (better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My
True Love Gave To
Me (and then took it all away)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open
Fire.
What is the difference
between God and a doctor?
God knows that he is not a doctor
After hearing that one of
the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a
suicide attempt
by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the
rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate
that you're ready to go home. I'm only
sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope
around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied.
"I hung him up to dry."
"I just can't find the
cause for your illness," said the internist at the college
clinic. "Frankly, I think it's
due to drinking."
"That's OK Doc. I understand," replied the student.
"I'll come back when you're sober."
The majority of HMO plans
I've seen can be likened to hospital gowns --you only think
you're
covered.
HMO Orientation
Q - I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to
choose the doctor I want?
A - Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book
listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the
time the information was gathered.
These doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are
no longer accepting new patients,
and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan.
But don't worry--the remaining doctor
who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office
just a half a day's drive away.
Q - What does HMO stand for?
A - This is actually a variation of the phrase "Hey,
Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by
Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to
forget about the pain in his
foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice
replaces the physical finger poke
with hi-tech equivalents such as voice-mail and referral slips,
but the result remains the same.
Q - Do all diagnostic procedures require
pre-certification?
A - No. Only those you need.
Q - What are pre-existing conditions?
A - This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when
they want to talk about existing
conditions. Unfortunately we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q - Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing
conditions?
A - Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q - What happens if I want to try alternative forms of
medicine?
A - You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q - My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I
need the name brand. I tried the generic
medication but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A - Poke yourself in the eye.
Q - What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A - Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q - No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A - You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing
your primary care physician. It's best
to wait till you return and then get sick.
Q - I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor
insists s/he can handle my problem. Can a
general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in
his/her office?
A - Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the
$10 co-payment, there's no harm in
giving him/her a shot at it, eh?
Q - My insurer reimburses the doctor for my outpatient
surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What
should I do?
A - Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or
you can ask him/her to invest the
money for you in one of those great offers doctors and dentists
hear about, like windmill farms or
frog hatcheries.
Q - What accounts for the largest portion of health care
costs?
A - Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q - Will health care be any different in the next
century?
A - No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment
by then.
The difference between a
neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that
2+2=5, a
neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.
Warning Signs That You Need a New
Doctor
- The patient before you was a goat.
- Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.
- He has an assistant named Igor.
- The local bar association named him "client of the
year."
- Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
- During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone
connected to the knee bone" song.
- Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his waiting
room.
- He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.
- You can beat him in a game of Operation.
- All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-
Yourself Series".
- He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.
Q. What's the difference
between "anxiety" and "panic?"
A. "Anxiety" is when, for the first time, you can't do
it the second time.
"Panic" is when, for the second time, you can't do it
the first time.
Over a round of golf, two
doctors were talking shop. "I operated on Mr. Lee the other
day," said the
surgeon.
"What for?" asked his colleague.
"About $6,000."
"What did he have?"
"About $6,000
Dentist: Good grief! You've
got the biggest cavity I've ever seen-the biggest cavity I've
ever
seen.Patient: You don't have to repeat it, doc! Dentist: I
didn't-that was the echo.
Somewhere on file there must
be a mandatory rule that states that all
ER patients must wait a minimum of one hour in the waiting room
(unless they are clearly dying or squirting blood all over the
place).
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY
USED - CALL CHUBBIE
77 year old Morris went for
his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great
results. Dr.
Cohen said, " Morris everything looks great physically. How
are you doing mentally, emotionally and
are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with
God?" Morris replied, "God and
me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of
the night, *poof*...the light goes on
when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes
off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, "
That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Cohen
called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, " Morris
is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because
I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is
it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * The light
goes on in the bathroom and then *poof *
the light goesoff?'" Becky replied, "The darn fool!....
He's peeing in the fridge again!"
A concerned husband went to
a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor,
"Doctor, I think
my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and
always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight
stand about 15 feet from her and say something to
her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it
again. Keep doing this so that we'll get
an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough,
the husband goes home and does exactly
as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the
kitchen as she is chopping some
vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He
hears no response. He moves about 5 feet
closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no
reply. He gets fed up and moves
right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again,
"Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For
the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
Patient - "Doctor,
you've got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I'm
Donald Duck, other
mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse." Doctor - "Hmmmmmmm,
and how long have you been having
these Disney spells?"
Your proctologist called.
They think they've found your head.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and
degree of
these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man
provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy
French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a
Porsche.
At a health food store a man
asked for an all-around herbal combination. The owner
recommended one he said he'd sold for over sixty years. Dubious,
the fellow takes the bottle to
the cashier, a really stunning young blonde. As he was paying, he
asked, "Has your
boss really been selling this stuff for sixty years ? He looks to
be a lot younger than I am."
"Can't really say Sir." replied the blonde. "I've
only been with him about forty years now."
Sometimes I think I
understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my
health - when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my
pantyhose on
fire.
I read this article that
said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse
buying, and
driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect
day.
My mind not only wanders, it
sometime leaves completely.
Two old men were arguing the
merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust
your fancy
doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for
nearly a year, and then Jake died of a
liver ailment."
"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?"
asked his friend. "Because when my doctor
treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a
kidney ailment."
A patient complained to his
doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them
agreed with
your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy,
then they'll see that I was right."
Don't you just hate it when
you go to the doctor, and you're sitting on the examination table
telling him about your
symptoms, and with each new one you describe, he backs a little
further away?
One day a doctor, a farmer,
and the president of an HMO arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter
hesitates, because heaven is getting kind of full. Finally he
tells the doctor, "You may come in, for
you have taken care of the sick in their time of need." Then
he turns to the farmer and says, "And
you, too, may enter, for you have grown food to nourish your
fellow man." Then St. Peter turns to the
HMO executive. "Well, I guess you can come in too--but only
for three days."
A dietitian was once
addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put
into our
stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago. Red meat is awful.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs
in our drinking water. But there is
one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat
it. Can anyone here tell me what
lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row,
please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
Finally got my head
together, now my body is falling apart
This week is National Anxiety Week. I don't know why, but for
some reason that makes me nervous.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive - I have mixed feelings
about that.
Exercise is such a bad word, that, whenever I say it, I
immediately wash out my mouth with
chocolate!
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Do you think that if we had Prozac back then, it could have
prevented the Great Depression?
I once went to a shrink. He told me to speak freely. I did. Then
the darn fool tried to charge me $90
an hour.
So what is this "biotic"? And why are people against
it?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
I'm gradually getting my body back into shape - at least twice a
week I think about doing some
exercise.
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
If you ever go to the Mayo Clinic, don't ask them for mayonnaise,
because, buddy, they've heard that
one a million times. However, you might try your luck with the
ol' "pull-my-finger" gag. --J.P. Styskal
If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they
get a four legged chicken with it's own barcode?
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Patient: It's been one month
since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow theinstructions on the medicine I gave
you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly
closed."
A mother complained to her
doctor about her daughters strange eating habits "All day
long she lies
in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to
her?"Eventually" said the Doctor "she will
rise and shine!"
After receiving his
medication from the pharmacist, the customer asked, "Are
these time release
pills?"The pharmacist replied, "Yes. They begin to work
after your check clears."
P: Doctor, doctor, my wooden
leg is giving me a lot of pain.
D: Why's that?
P: My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.
P: Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me
something to keep it in?
D: Certainly - how about a paper bag?
P: Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
D: Next, please!
P: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
D: Pull yourself together!
P: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
D: What's come over you?
P: Two cars and a bus!
P: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
D: Sit there and don't stir.
P: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
D: I'll deal with you later.
P: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.
D: One at a time, please.
P: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
D: Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
P: I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.
P: Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory.
D: When did it happen?
P: When did what happen?
P: Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What shall
I do?
D: Well, for a start, don't point him at me.
ADENOIDS: Space creatures
whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto
ANASTHESIA: Rushun princez y'all studyed in skool.
ANTACID: Haloosinagenic drugs uzed by little bugs.
ARTERY: Whut the plastik Jesus on yer dashboard is.
BOWEL: A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U.
BRONCHITIS: Dinosour frum the plastikseen age.
CAT SCAN: Lookin' fer chicks.
CAUTERIZE: Makin' eye contak with a chick.
D&C: Washingtun--whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress
peepul live.
ENEMA: Sumone who ain't no frend.
FESTER: Yer unkles name.
GENITAL: Hed of a army--fer instanz, Genital Robert E. Lee.
G.I.SERIES: Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
HYPODERMIC: Big, fat zoo crittur.
PAP SMEAR: When peepul sez nasti things abowt yer pappy.
RECOVERY: Whar yew fix up yer fernitur.
RECTUM: Whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk.
SEIZURE: Emperore of Rome.
TESTICLES: Books of the bible.
TUMOR: Number of beers yew can drink after last call.
URINE: Opposyte of yer out
BARIUM: what you do with dead chemists.
Things You Don't
Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness after surgery:
"I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in
ice."
"Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still
moving."
"Blink once for 'yes'".
"What do you mean we have the wrong patient ?"
"Why is there a tag on his toe ?"
"Do you think he can hear us ?"
"I didn't even know a human could bend that way."
"I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anesthesia."
"Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy."
"Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open."
"Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards
?"
"Of course I've performed this operation before,
Nurse!"
"Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down." It'll
make a great 'ER' script."
Science, Medicine,
& Moronity"
A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers,
essays,etc., submitted to science and
health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and
college students. As she noted, "It is
truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can
create under the pressures of time and
grades."
"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax,
and theabominable cavity. The branium
contains the brain, the borax containsthe heart and lungs, and
the abominable cavity contains the
bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in
a free state."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in
a test tube."
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin
is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and
water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and
then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even
deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the
cow in steadof the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them
and makes them perspire."
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it
can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst
insects."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been
taken outand the outsides have been taken
off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
"
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight
cuspids,two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water
tendstowards the moon, because there
is no water in the moon, and natureabhors a vacuum. I forget
where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going
away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the
nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body
until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has
not recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it
drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub
her arm above the hand instead. Or put the
head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"To prevent contraception, use a condominium."
When doctors were
told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a
hospital:
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a
misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst".
The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"The
pediatricians said, "grow up".
The proctologists said, "we are in arrears".
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on
the matter".
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The D.O.s thought they were being manipulated.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And the otologists were deaf to the idea.
The new wing didn't fly!
A Code Of Ethical
Behavior For Patients
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being
treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to
uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight
into the true nature of your illness,
which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have
experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is
doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
explained in terms that you would
understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
research paper will surely be of
widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however
modestly, to the well-being of physicians
and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your
means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light
in the course of treatment by your
doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have
a sacred duty to protect him from
exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct
care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and
embarrassment.
Medical Advice
Medical science has determined that attitude influences
susceptibility to disease, especially
infection by bacterial agents. People who, by their nature, are
cheerful and upbeat are less prone to
illness than are those who are consistently grumpy malcontents.
Thus, the surly bird gets the germ.
A young mother paying a
visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain
her
five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to
say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind
Johnny being in there."
"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when
he gets to the poisons."
A man goes to the doctor.
"Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his body,
"when I touch my
arm it hurts. When I touch my neck it hurts. And when I touch my
stomach it hurts. Do I have some
rare disease?"
"No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken
finger."
WHAT DOCTORS REALLY
MEAN:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it
curse itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is
hoping you will give him a clue.
"We'll see."
First I have to check my malpractice insurance.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any
more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the
week."
I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to
appear thoughtful while hoping the
nurse will interrupt.
(Proctologist also say this a lot.)
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news
is you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be
cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a 40% interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune.
"How are we today?"
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by
itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit through their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
I can't remember your name, nor why you are here.
"This should fix you up."
The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.
"Everything seems to be normal."
I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can
solve this one.
"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your
nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who
will split fees.
"Why don't you slip out of your things."
I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my
fingers up somehow.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off
next week.
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn
something about this.
A guy had been feeling down
for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a
psychiatrist.
He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited
for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make
him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then
sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a
puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said,
"Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is
very common among losers."
A guy walks in to an ear
doctor's office, "Doc, I can't hear a thing out of my right
ear". The doctor
says, "Let me get my otoscope and have a look".
He gets his ear light and looks in the guys ear, and then
somewhat bewildered and scratching his
head, he says, "Man you have a suppository in your
ear". SUPPOSITORY exclaimed the man,
"Thank God", now I know where my hearing aid is.
The two doctors found their
new patient in a strong perspiration, and both their hands under
the
bed-clothes in order to feel his pulse, but, by accident, got
hold of each other's hand.
"Nothing serious," said one doctor.
"He's probably drunk," said the other doctor.
A man goes to the doctor and
tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines
him, leaves the room
and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor
says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water
when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water
after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the
red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be
put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc,
exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not
drinking enough water."
Medical Professor -
"What would you do in the case of a person easting poisonous
mushrooms?"
Student - "Recommend a change of diet."
Doctor - "Well, Mr.
Jones, how are you feeling this morning?"
Jones - "Much better, thank you. The only thing that
troubles me is my breathing."
Doctor - "Um - yes. We must see if we can't do something to
stop that."
Patient - "What shall I do? I have water on the knee."
Doctor - "Wear pumps."
In the back woods of West Virginia, the man's wife went into
labor in the middle of the night, and the
doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the
father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold
this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was
brought into the world. "Whoa there,"
said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern
down...I think there's yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be
putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in
there!" cried the doctor.
The man scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's
attractin' 'em?"
The Top 10 Signs
You've Joined a Cheap HMO
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left
when you enter the trailer park."
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from
Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an
apple a day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants
you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network
charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different
colors with little "m"s on them.
And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO......
1. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
A distraught patient phoned
her doctor's office. "Is it true", the
woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed
has to be
taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid
so." The doctor told
her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued,
"I'm
wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This
prescription is
marked 'NO REFILLS.' "
Home/About me/Lyme Disease/Photo Album
Favorite Links/My SnowGlobes/Lymie Jokes&Comments
MedicalJokes/Steven Wright/email me