Journal-December 2002

2002-12-23; A grim patch.... I’m a week into my first attempt to grow a beard. It’s looking a little shaky at the moment, and I’m trying to ignore the impulse to shave it off. I have a couple of weeks off from work, and I’m going to give it a bit more time to impress me. The big problems are that my chin hair isn’t very thick and much of the hair is indeed gray. I think I’d like to wear a little facial hair for awhile, but I’m not going to embarrass myself by having a 15 year old’s beard. Something better happen in the next couple of weeks or it’s gone.


2002-12-31; A quick year....

Another year has come to an end. It was a very fast year. For the most part, I have been focusing on my career this year rather than my transition. I put in a lot of effort and landed my dream job. I find myself spending 60 or 70 hours a week working, and I still want to get up each morning and race to work.
On the transition front, I had surgery earlier in the year, and my chest is looking much better now (I should take some pictures soon). Only now am I really starting to see an increase in muscularity, and the increase in muscle mass in my upper body is improving the overall look of my chest. I would have like to have had a revision this year, but I simply didn’t have time with my new job.

Also, for the first time in my transition I’m wearing facial hair. I’ve decided to only wear a bit of chin hair since the right side of my beard is too thin. It’s amazing that I can grow a sideburn on my left side, but not on my right side ?!?!?!?!?!. Seeing myself with facial hair has really boosted my spirit. Even though it’s thinning than I would like it to be, It really changes how I see myself in the mirror. This puberty has been so much more fun than the last one.

On the family front things are still disappointing. I’m still not allowed home for the holidays, but it really doesn’t bother me much. I really don’t want to be around people that can’t accept me. I was a little resentful last week when my mom told me about all the stuff the family did, but that quickly faded. Someday I’ll have my own family, and I’ll save up my holiday spirit until then.

Same is true with friends. Most of the friends I knew prior to transitioning rarely keep in touch. I’ve quit trying. The friends I know now have only known me as I am now. I miss talking to people that understand the whole story about myself, but I guess all things must change. The loss of these friends really make me feel like my old self is dead and buried. At times I feel happy about that, and at other times I feel sad about that.

As far as last year’s New Year’s Resolutions? Last year I resolved to 1) see a Cubs game shirtless, 2) not to take the actions of other personally, 3) grow sideburns, and 4) continue to work on my website.

I think I did all in some part in the past year. I didn’t actually go to a Cubs game, but I watch all games shirtless these days. In fact, try to find a shirt on me once I make it home (however, I now wear a shirt while frying hamburgers!).

I don’t take the actions of other nearly as personal these days. I will always be a sensitive guy, but I really try to tell myself if you don’t like how someone treats you, then just walk away. I don’t really have the time nor the energy to win people over.

As far as sideburns go, well, like I wrote above, I can grow one on the left side of my face. However, since wearing one sideburn isn’t in fashion, I keep it shaved. Maybe next year!

I have continued to work on the website, but the effort is certainly winding down. I’ll keep on until February, but I’ll be happy to stop after that!

I wish all of those who stop by this site a Very Happy New Year!

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