Alteredboy's Journal

Journal

EARLIER ENTRIES:

feb01 | mar01 | apr01 | may01 | jun01 | jul01 | aug01 | sep01 | oct01 | nov01 | dec01
jan02 | feb02 | mar02 | apr02 | may02 | jun02 | jul02 | aug02 | sep02 | oct02 | nov02 | dec02
jan03 | feb03

MOST RECENT ENTRIES:

2003-02-09; The very last entry.....

This is the last post of this journal! I want to thank all those that visited the website over the past two years. To date there have been well over 80,000 visits to the site, and I have received hundreds of email well wishes. I feel very blessed, in the past two years I have NEVER once received a distasteful or disrespectful comment from those that have visited my site. Thank you.

While I created this page to document my personal experiences with my transition, I hope the material helped others as well.

Goodbye!

2003-02-02; Are you talking to me?

Well, it’s been over a year since I’ve been back home, and I have been eager to see family and old friends. Spending a week back home made me realize how much my life has really changed. Since leaving home I have never been called by my female name or by any female pronouns. However, while back home for a week I was called those pronouns and that name REPEATEDLY! - even after I asked them not to. I don’t know how one could call a bearded guy “her” and it make sense, but it must have to them because they said it all the time.

On the sad side, I was still not allowed to see my nieces and nephews. It’s been two years since I’ve seen them, and my mom tells me that they ask about me all the time. It’s my sister that continues to have problems with what is going on, and while it makes me sad, it’s her problem to deal with. Just think, if I had waited until everyone felt ok about me transitioning before I actually started to transition, I would still be waiting two years later.

My mom made big progress though. While introducing me to her realtor, my mom called me her son. Wow! Big step for her. (though I don’t think she likes my facial hair).

Old friends were pretty good, though a few slipped on the pronouns and the name.

It was good to be back home, but I’m glad to be back where I feel my life has moved past my transition.

2003-01-23; Behold! Sideburns!

My beard has filled in quite nicely. While I don’t think I’ll ever have a thick beard like some guys, I have noticed that my beard is quite similar to that of many guys.

I am now in the middle of my first earnest attempt in growing sideburns. I have no problem growing a sideburn on the left side, but the right side is still thin. I give the right side a little dye while I’m dying the gray out of my beard and that helps to darken it up slightly. At the moment they seems to look fine.

2003-01-02; When was the last time you had your prostate examined?

I finally went in for my annual physical exam. I didn’t have time to search out doctors like I did last year. Last year, I mailed out letters to several physicians to see if they would take a transsexual patient. This year, I just called a made an appointment with my new health care provider. I asked for a woman physician because I feel women are a bit more understanding, but I put no other effort into making my choice.

Prior to actually seeing the doctor, I had the normal run through with the nurse. She checked my height, weight, blood pressure and temperature. The nurse then began to ask about my past history, during which she asked when was the last time I had a prostate exam. I told her that I don’t have a prostate. She looked up at me from the paperwork, and I told her that I was a female to male transsexual. I think all the blood drained from her face. Up to this point she was joking around with me and exchanging pleasantries, but now she was totally taken aback. I could tell she was uncomfortable, but I kept talking to her just as I had before, and by time she had finished my preliminary interview, she seemed more comfortable.

The nurse asked me to disrobe and wait on the exam table for the doctor. Halfway through a National Geographic article, the doctor enters. We chat for a moment, and she asks if there are any questions or concerns. I ask her directly if she has a problem taking a transsexual patient. She say no, and I believed her. She then began her exam.

This doctor seems fine - time will tell more. I think I liked how my former doctor handled the situation better. I actually got to sit down and talk to her with my clothes on before the exam. I felt more comfortable that way. It gave me a better sense of how she might be as a doctor. With this doctor and with my clothes already bundled on the chair, I didn’t get to ease into the new relationship.

As far as the exam went, it was a normal physical. I discussed the craps I have occasionally, and she did a pelvic exam. She didn’t feel the craps were anything to be concerned about since they last for such a short time. They could be atrophy or intestinal pain or even possibly a cyst on an ovary (she didn’t feel the latter was a concern because everything in the exam felt normal). Then I had my first rectal exam which was no fun! Oh and I also had her look at the right side of my chest. That’s the side that isn’t quite right. I asked her if there was too much tissue left, and she said that it is probably more noticeable to me than it would be to anyone else who looked at it. She’s probably right. Then she wrote out my prescriptions, and I was off to the lab to have my blood drawn.

2002-12-31; A quick year....

Another year has come to an end. It was a very fast year. For the most part, I have been focusing on my career this year rather than my transition. I put in a lot of effort and landed my dream job. I find myself spending 60 or 70 hours a week working, and I still want to get up each morning and race to work.
On the transition front, I had surgery earlier in the year, and my chest is looking much better now (I should take some pictures soon). Only now am I really starting to see an increase in muscularity, and the increase in muscle mass in my upper body is improving the overall look of my chest. I would have like to have had a revision this year, but I simply didn’t have time with my new job.

Also, for the first time in my transition I’m wearing facial hair. I’ve decided to only wear a bit of chin hair since the right side of my beard is too thin. It’s amazing that I can grow a sideburn on my left side, but not on my right side ?!?!?!?!?!. Seeing myself with facial hair has really boosted my spirit. Even though it’s thinner than I would like it to be, it really changes how I see myself in the mirror. This puberty has been so much more fun than the last one.

On the family front things are still disappointing. I’m still not allowed home for the holidays, but it really doesn’t bother me much. I really don’t want to be around people that can’t accept me. I was a little resentful last week when my mom told me about all the stuff the family did, but that quickly faded. Someday I’ll have my own family, and I’ll save up my holiday spirit until then.

Same is true with friends. Most of the friends I knew prior to transitioning rarely keep in touch. I’ve quit trying. The friends I know now have only known me as I am now. I miss talking to people that understand the whole story about myself, but I guess all things must change. The loss of these friends really make me feel like my old self is dead and buried. At times I feel happy about that, and at other times I feel sad about that.

As far as last year’s New Year’s Resolutions? Last year I resolved to 1) see a Cubs game shirtless, 2) not to take the actions of other personally, 3) grow sideburns, and 4) continue to work on my website.

I think I did all in some part in the past year. I didn’t actually go to a Cubs game, but I watch all games shirtless these days. In fact, try to find a shirt on me once I make it home (however, I now wear a shirt while frying hamburgers!).

I don’t take the actions of other nearly as personal these days. I will always be a sensitive guy, but I really try to tell myself if you don’t like how someone treats you, then just walk away. I don’t really have the time nor the energy to win people over.

As far as sideburns go, well, like I wrote above, I can grow one on the left side of my face. However, since wearing one sideburn isn’t in fashion, I keep it shaved. Maybe next year!

I have continued to work on the website, but the effort is certainly winding down. I’ll keep on until February, but I’ll be happy to stop after that!

I wish all of those who stop by this site a Very Happy New Year!

2002-12-23; A grim patch....

I’m a week into my first attempt to grow a beard. It’s looking a little shaky at the moment, and I’m trying to ignore the impulse to shave it off. I have a couple of weeks off from work, and I’m going to give it a bit more time to impress me. The big problems are that my chin hair isn’t very thick and much of the hair is indeed gray. I think I’d like to wear a little facial hair for awhile, but I’m not going to embarrass myself by having a 15 year old’s beard. Something better happen in the next couple of weeks or it’s gone.

EARLIER ENTRIES:

More to come.......