Journal-November 2001

2001-11-06; In the cold, cold North......

I started my new job a few days ago. I'm still trying to acclimate to my new surroundings. The people I work with aren't very friendly - at least not yet. I first thought it was a lack of Southern Hospitality, but now I just think that some (if not most) scientists lack good social skills.

I'm a bit depressed. I had hoped to meet lots of new and exciting people here. I felt that I had wore out my welcome in where I was, and I was looking forward to meeting people that didn't know me prior to my transition.

Well, it's only been a week, and I should give it more time. But I feel if people aren't nice to you when you first meet them, it's doubtful that the situation will improve.

It is nice, however, that everyone just knows me as my male self. I put male on all my paperwork, and will just ride the wave that takes me on. I'm not too worried. In a few days, I'll have a new Drivers License that says male. That should get me through any rough spots. And hey, if anyone should ask....I'll just tell them.

2001-11-12; Fruitless efforts......

I'm really depressed. I feel very alone here, and that loneliness is compounded by my relationships with people in my past. I debated whether I should write about this. I hate when I just piss and moan - I hate it even more to read it later on, but I feel it is important to document these times.

I'm really having trouble meeting people here. Everyone seems to have their own little routine, and I feel like they don't want to disrupt it. They don't really want to hold the hand of the new guy and show him the ropes.

I'm very tired too. I don't know why - I really don't do anything all day. When I get home I just want to sleep. I feel miserable.

I'm also very angry. I'm so mad at the people in my life. I swear I feel like most of the people in my life think I transitioned just to piss them off. I truly don't think anyone understands that my sanity was the reason for such a life altering change.

The people in my life are either ignoring me - or are embarrassed to be seen with me - or creeped out by what I'm doing - or think what I'm doing will turn me into a creep. I feel they all act as though my essence has changed. That nothing about me is the same as the person they befriended or knew prior to transition. My values remain the same - my heart is the same - my desires aare the same. I sometimes feel that none of these people truly knew me, and that makes me sad. I feel as though my efforts to maintain these relationships was misguided.

I can't tell you how many times in the sessions with my shrink I tried to work out the best possible way to make others in my life feel better about what I was doing. I really did care whether I hurt people or not. But now I see I could never really make them feel better about all of this. I think I have to let these people go. I have to let them decide for themselves what my transition means to them. It's not my problem, but nonetheless, the whole situation makes me feel that much more alone.

2001-11-13; Planet Alteredboy here - anyone read me????

Here's another Planet Alteredboy report....

I've notice many changes lately. I'm not exactly sure why changes are more noticeable right now, but it may be due to the fact that I switched the type of testosterone I'm on from enanthate to cypionate last month.

I'm still taking 200 mg of testosterone every two weeks, but in the last few weeks my hair growth has taken off again. Hair now covers my belly, and is beginning to grow on my chest. The hair on my arms is thicker as well.

My beard is coming along. I let it grow out every now and then just to see what I've got. It seems the darker hairs in my beard grow under my chin, while the ones on my chin are mostly gray. My mustache is dark as well, but the hairs aren't as numerous. ( Click here to see a recent picture of my beard)

I'm also noticing a change in my muscular development. I'm not really working out these days, but my shoulders are starting to bulk up. I'm in danger of out growing of most of my shirts relatively soon.

All these physical developments are getting me anxious for top surgery. I've put together a budget for the next year, and I think I can afford surgery around May - possibly April. I can't stand the thought of having a hairy chest and boobs.

Acne has been a problem of late. I had a really bad break out a week ago. I had about 8 zits along my jawline, and a few on my cheek. It has gotten progressively worse. I was sure this was due to the new form of T, however, I had also switched acne medications around the same time. I was just using a facial cream that was supposed to reduce acne. I have since switched back to the astringent that I was using before. Within two days of switching back, my face was back to normal. I don't think astringents are very good for your skin, but I can't argue with the results I've seen.

Emotionally, I'm having some problems. The move has shaken me up a bit. I've found it difficult coming into a new place. This compounds the loneliness I feel stemming from the loss of intimacy with friends and family over the last few months. So I'm not sure my depression comes from this new form of T, but rather just the period of readjustment I'm going through.

2001-11-21; I only wish they had printed it in larger print....

This morning I carefully arranged all my paperwork. I put everything into a neat little file folder, and then got dressed in a nice shirt, tie, and crisp pressed pants. I got into my car and felt my defenses starting to rise. I wondered if today would be one of those days that the rug was pulled out from under my feet. Since moving here, my confidence has been rattled a bit. I began to run scenarios through my head. I would be prepared for any attitude or any questions thrown my way. I decided I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way today - Today was my date with the DMV.

As I stood in line, I looked over the personal. I tried to figure if any of them would give me a hard time. Would any of them deny my request to change my gender on my Drivers License??? I decided quickly that I wanted a woman rather than a man to help me. Women seem nicer when it comes to things like this.

Before I knew it I was at the head of the line, and was called over by a woman who seemed nice. I told her I was from out of state. She asked for certain forms of id. I gave her my birth certificate, and then presented her with the court order for my name change, and the letter from my shrink for my gender change. It didn't bother the woman at all. She ran through my paperwork without hesitation, and after taking the written test, I had in my hands a new Drivers License with male as my gender on it.

I've taken it out of my wallet three or four times already just to look at it.

It was a good day!

2001-11-23; I'm thankful for my new table, updated web page, and clipped nails....

Well, Thanksgiving wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. This is the first time I've not been with my family for this holiday. I was sure that being alone on my favorite holiday of the year would be rough, but it wasn't that bad.

I am upset that I'm no longer invited to family holidays. But I suppose not going only saves becoming more frustrated with my relationships with these people. For the most part, my family ignores me these days. It would have been so much worse to be in their homes and ignored. I'd rather be ignored in the comfort and privacy of my own home - if you know what I mean.

I stayed busy, and I had a productive day. I built a dining room table, updated my web page, and even had time left over to clip my toe nails.

2001-11-26; Want to read something weird about me???

Long ago, while getting haircuts, I would wonder why there was always more hair on one side of my head than the other. At first I just thought I was getting lousy haircuts, but later I began to cut my own hair. Being the perfectionist that I am, I always made sure that each side was even in length. Nevertheless, by time my next haircut rolled around, I would have a good half inch more hair on the left side of my head compared to the right side. Weird, huh?

I asked around to see if anyone else had this experience (I have nothing better to do in my life but to ask people how their hair grows). I was given all sorts of theories, but the most common one was that hair grows faster on one side than the other because of the way you sleep. This didn't seem to make much sense for me since I'm a chronic tosser and turner.

Well, as you may already know, I started T about 8 months ago. With that came all sorts of hair growth. No matter where new hair showed up (i.e. arms, stomach, chest), it always showed up on the left side of my body first. In a few weeks, the right side generally caught up. So you may find this weird, but just wait - it gets weirder.

During the first six months of taking T, my hairline receded slightly. Well, I should say that it only receded on the right side of my head....never on the left. Ok, here's the horrible secret I've been keeping for the past few months. I shave the left side of my forehead to match the lack of hair I have on the right side.

There! Are you all happy now?! You now know all my deep, dark secrets.

Will all of you laugh at me when I only have one sideburn???

Click here for DECEMBER 2001 ENTRIES

Click here to go back to MOST RECENT ENTRIES