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| Mostly Funny Quotes |
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| Stuff |
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| "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." --Carl Zwanzig "An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing." --Anonymous Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. - Steven Wright "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." — Albert Einstein. "I have an answering machine on my car phone. It says: 'I'm home now. Leave a message and I'll call you when I'm out.'" -- Steven Wright "Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it." "A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done." "Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" ~ George Carlin "Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the Universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure." Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones "In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry." -Kevin Krisciunas Why inflict pain on oneself, when so many others are ready to save us the trouble? -- George W. Pachaud Don't be so humble. You're not that great. -- Golda Meir "I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again." -- Steven Wright John Cleese was recently interviewed on American television and was asked the difference between the British and the Americans. He replied that there were three differences that he could see, "One, We speak English and you don't. Two, When we have a World Champion sporting event, we invite the rest of the world to play." He continued, "And three, When you meet our head of state you only have to bend down on one knee." |