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| Mostly Funny Quotes 16 |
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| Stuff |
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| "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --Groucho Marx X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'. I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting. They just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? "Come on, they're no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We're flying!" -- Jerry Seinfeld "A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." ~Everett Dirksen "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." ~Samuel Goldwyn "Never try to install a new hard drive while wearing a fleece sweater, and sitting on carpet." ~ Anonymous Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, How insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, it rained. I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide again—this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman. ~Woody Allen For a while I had a series of very unusual jobs. I was a night watchman in a day camp, a deckhand on a submarine, a traffic director in a phone booth, and a cruise director on a Ferris wheel. -- Jackie Vernon On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive." The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one. -- Erma Bombeck If I ever see a falling star, I'm going to use my wish to wish that it had never fallen in the first place. If I'm lucky, that will throw the entire universe into a logic loop and while everyone is busy attending to that, I'll skip work the next day. (Abhishek Gami) "I finally got an answering machine for my cell phone. The message says 'Sorry I can't get to the phone, I'm at home right now.'" - Unknown I'm hyped up on pepper chicken and calculus and am not to be trusted. (Dave Land) "When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear." -- Mark Twain |